Talk Thursday - Devastated

When Krista sent out this topic, it finally spurred me to do something I hadn't for months (obviously) - blog.

What happened? A lot in the last seven months. Frankly, most of it hasn't been good. Bear with me a moment, for those of you who don't know the whole story. There is a moral to it.

Shortly after my last post, I managed to fall on my elbow walking Mario on icy sidewalks (as opposed to my ass, which would have been better) and shatter it. Surgery followed and I can safely say that it hurt worse than being in labor. So there was that. No skiing in the winter. Boo.

January went without much event, just healing up from the surgery but February started off with a bang. Right before Big Bit's birthday, my Dad was diagnosed with terminal leukemia, a month from turning 65. Those of you that have read the blog know that Dad had his battles with cancer, those being smoking related, but this apparently was not. So much for me and my bitching about his smoking.

Strike one.

A week to the day after this became news, Big Bit called me hysterical. He was at his Dad's and had gotten on to Facebook, only to see that TH's niece had posted she had to go home because her brother had committed suicide. Yep. Our nephew. Brad's sister's kid. I was even more shocked because we knew nothing. I got through to TH while he was teaching a class. The fact I did that warned him it was bad. Indeed, he reached his sister as I reached our niece and the worst had happened the night before. They'd had no time to reach us due to logistical issues. We assured them finding out the way we did wasn't anyone's fault. It damn sure was a shock though. I think I'm even more glad I quit Facebook.

Strike two.

So, we're going to a funeral for a 17 year old, two weeks short of his 18th birthday. A beautiful boy, who'd gone through his struggles but seemed to be on a good path. We'd seen him at Christmas and he'd been delightful. Played with Little Bit, chatted, was much more the boy I remembered than he'd been for years. Perhaps this was a sign. We didn't know. I've been to enough teen aged boys' funerals in my life. I didn't need to go to another one. Big Bit was distraught; he and his cousin were a year apart in age and quite good friends when little.

So that passed. The only humorous part of the week was when Big Bit and I were texting each other after the funeral about the obnoxious stepmonster in law - who was in full form.

Another Friday went by with no bad news. Whew.

And then.

My mother called with the news that my cousin's 19 year old, again a great pal of Big Bit's when younger, had killed himself. At this point, kids, I was numb, I was reeling. I was beyond belief that our lives could suck as progressively much as they were getting to, as well as being devastated for my cousin and her husband, great parents, as I had been for my sister-in-law and her husband, who are REALLY good people.

Big Bit was more stoic at this funeral, but for the second time in a month he got to see his boyhood plastered on a wall in the form of a slide show. Was it good that he was in their lives enough to make the final show? Sure. But I'm also sure it was very hard for him.

Strike three.

Oh, and just for good measure, Little Bit was diagnosed with Aspergers in February. Not totally unexpected, but another thing to manage.

We ached through March, we suffered through April, and lagged into May. The weather didn't help. Boise decided to have its wettest, cloudiest spring in recent history. The sun? It wasn't coming out. At all. Ever, apparently. Little Bit struggled at school, and Big Bit did too.

Mid-may came, and Big Bit was finishing up his last semester. We were starting to get some equilibrium, I thought. We'd been to see Dad frequently, and I'd talked to him on the phone, but one could tell he was getting progressively more sad and more weak. TH and I went to see him, and when I got there he was so bad that he basically needed to sleep all the time so that he wouldn't hurt. If he woke up, he was in pain. I saw him for probably two minutes that weekend. I was a chicken. I couldn't face it. I am pretty ashamed of myself for that. Thank God for my stepmother. If God didn't send her into Dad's life, I don't know who did, because apparently I wasn't going to be able to take care of him. The last time I saw him, he was asleep, finally peacefully, and I didn't want to wake him up. I still wonder if that was the right decision.

We went home, as it didn't seem he was at "that" stage. In the middle of the night my phone rang. I HATE middle of the night phone calls. Nothing good comes of these calls, ever. They're either death or drunk dialing and there's nothing positive about either. Yeah, big shocker, Dad was gone. I was glad in a way, because he really was done with all of this at the end and I certainly couldn't blame him. But it was sad and horrible that all he wanted was to get outside, maybe go fishing or at least drive in the hills and the fricking weather wouldn't permit it. I will never understand that.

So...more numbness. Getting one foot in front of the other, much less getting up, has been hard. Big Bit went to his Dad's shortly after the funeral and apparently has decided to unleash his very unattractive passive aggressive side for no reason on us. It's been a month since I've talked to him, other than one rather unpleasant test exchange. Gosh, 19 year olds are fun.

So...color me devastated.

But here's where it gets better.

I am glad the Packers won the Super Bowl. In the grand scheme of things, yes, this seems unimportant. But my Dad watched it. And was as excited as I was. We talked afterwards and it was so nice to share something happy right after the bad news. I also was able to get him a signed SB XVI hat by Korey Hall, the Packers player from Glenns Ferry, ID. Dad and I had a personal point of pride about Jerry Kramer. It was there for Korey as well.

I am glad that our nephew was as interactive as he was and allowed us to enjoy his company over the last months of his life; he played with his much younger cousin, showed his sweet side, and I wouldn't trade that, even with how things ended. He hadn't been that way for a long time. It was nice to see that sweet little 1 year old I met so long ago within him again.

I am glad that Big Bit was important enough not only in our nephew's life but in my cousin's son's life that he featured in these slide shows. It's been a long hard slog to make sure that he was plugged into the family. I think he still doesn't always feel like he is, but that's a universal problem. We all wonder where we belong sometimes, I think.

I am glad my Dad and Mom had me so young, as much as I'm sure that complicated their lives at the time. I wouldn't have had 44 years with my Dad, even with the ups and downs, if he hadn't been 20 when I was born.

I am glad that I finally had the light go on in my head regarding my relationship with Big Bit. The last 17 years have been rewarding, but tough. I love him. I have busted my ass and bought my attorney a Corvette trying to get him with me. I have spent thousands of dollars in plane tickets to ensure I saw him frequently. I spent thousands of dollars in child support as was my obligation, and I didn't begrudge that. I saved a full year of child support that I got and managed to come up with 1/2 the amount his Dad gave him for college. Who didn't need the money. But I digress. My point is that I have done everything, everything that I could have done. People have things they regret and probably would re-do if they could. But given how things came, I've done the best I can. I hope he knows how much I love him, and I hope he decides to be more respectful. But I can control how I react to the disrespect.

I feel strong, stronger than I have for some time. I have a wonderful husband I met 17 years ago yesterday. I have a wonderful son who I love, even when he's exasperating the hell out of my by not going to sleep as he is tonight; who will figure out how to deal with Aspergers; and I have a son with a lovely soul who I think will remember who he really is and how much I love him. I have my Mom, my family and my friends. I have people in my life who sent a beautiful flower arrangement to my Dad's funeral even though I won't meet any of them until October when I go to Green Bay - my blog family at PocketDoppler.com. Jerry Kramer has read a blog post of mine and liked it. Jerry Kramer!!!

This litany has sounded extremely depressing, I'm sure. Don't send the police, or the psychiatrist. This is a way of me letting all of this out, and apologizing to those of you to whom I seemed to fall of the face of the earth. I care about you guys. I just was trying to get through the day. That's getting better.

I am lucky. I am alive.

Even though I am devastated.

PAID IN FULL

As of yesterday....I have experienced an epic event. I PAID MY LAST CHILD SUPPORT CHECK. EVER. EVER. EVER.

Well, let me restate that. I have paid the last dime I have to pay that benefits someone other than my child more than my child himself. Let me clarify a bit. Actually, since January I have been paying Big Bit directly, as I had stated my preference to do so starting with his birthday and EHFH actually said (via Big Bit, of course) that it was fine to start early. So, this year hasn't been too bad.

However, it was a really weird feeling to mail that check yesterday. I am not glad Big Bit is grown up, mind you. (at least not all the time, most of the time I'd like him to be 7 again, and his brother a newborn - they were so stinking cute and one didn't talk back and the other couldn't!) Whether a child lives with you full time or not, that sensation of leaving the nest is one that I think is universal. It's an odd feeling to know he's in charge of his decisions and consequences and as of mid-June, whether he goes to school any further or not.

Also, I do not dispute the obligation of a "non-custodial" (term makes me laugh, 'cause kids, there's been a whole lot of "custodial" duties I've continued to perform through the years, from dental visits, to braces, to immunizations, to haircuts - all fun for me, actually) parent to pay money to the other in order to benefit the child. My beef was more around the fact I far rather would have put it into a college fund, which would be approximately twice the size of the check that Big Bit's other parent has given to him for college. And yes, he could afford to do without the money. As did I - when Big Bit lived with us in Utah, every cent I received went straight to his college fund. He was amazed at how much I'd actually accumulated from that time alone.

It's a really liberating feeling to know that from now on, ANYTHING I do for Big Bit financially is because I want to, because we've discussed it, and because it makes perfect sense (hopefully, anyway). I think I feel a little at loose ends. Odd.

Money, and Big Bit, have been the things that have tied me to EHFH for 16 years longer than I wished to be. I know I wasn't going to write about him anymore, but this is really about me. And how all shackles are off now. All I HAVE to do is enjoy and continue to have a relationship with my beloved firstborn. I feel like I'm 27 again. Anything's possible.

I leave you with this thought. He Thinks He'll Keep Her, indeed.

Just a Thought

I had a post about forgiveness and how I would be working on that. I am not posting this update to mention He Who Must Not Be Named, but rather to note the following: I can't believe a parent would be so short-sighted, stupid and uncaring of said child so as to refuse to fill out the FAFSA.

Rather than do my usual mother-bear imitation and engage in a fight with said HWMNBN, thinking that somehow I could change behaviors and "win", thus perpetuating the whole hatred thing mentioned before, I realized this was the desired reaction, didn't engage, called various schools and found out that I could indeed complete it, so I did that...problem solved, I hope.

And instead of anger, I felt pity that someone could be that selfish and short-sighted. That's progress.

Hopefully that's the last of those little encounters.

Really, I Have An Excuse

I have been a bad blogger, a bad friend, a bad everything you can name in the last 11 days. But, I really had a reason.

Sorry everyone, you're right, I didn't send out Christmas cards or you would have gotten one. Thanks to the friends (Cele), family (Cousin D - those girls are so stinking cute - and Aunt A, and Aunt N for the pretty centerpiece) and others who sent cards to us. I may do a "Happy New Year" card mailing, or it may just wait until next year.

I almost always send my cards last minute - the only exception being the year I was pregnant with Little Bit, and since he was due Christmas Day I had them done and out at Thanksgiving - that nesting thing was kicking in so I got a lot done early.

A series of things conspired this year to make me later than usual - and then real life stepped in with a bang.

First, a co-worker of mine lost her daughter four days shy of her fifth birthday - the week before Christmas. A freak thing, that no one could have predicted or expected.

While I don't know her extremely well, she is a lovely person and because of that, and because I can't imagine the pain of losing a child, it kind of threw me for a loop. It threw all of us at work for a loop, to be honest. They buried Audrey on her birthday. It just makes me sick thinking about it.

A couple of days before that, a girl I went to high school with, Kristin, died in a horrific car accident, and with her, her older sister. Again, I didn't know Kristin well, she was a year ahead of me in school and very quiet, but she was nice and we rode the bus together for years, so you kind of have a bond because riding around with Mrs. Fleenor was enough to bond anyone - it was kind of a like a POW camp. I'm sort of kidding. My Mom and Dad knew Kristen's parents and I knew her Mom - she was a lovely lady.

The reason they were driving to Twin Falls from Boise was to be with their Mom, because their Dad had just died. That day. In one swoop, this woman lost her entire family. She buried them the same day my co-worker buried her daughter.

So, I was a little distracted by all of this, more so than I probably should have been, but on Little Bit's birthday, December 21st (also known as Kristi's wedding anniversary), I was going to do the cards and get them out.

First, though, we were going to meet up with my friend Dana and her children, one of whom is just seven months older than LB, at Boondocks, or Wahooz or whatever they're calling it now, for video games, laser tag, mini golf and all that jazz. Big Bit was up for the first days of his Christmas break, so he was along for the ride.

The Husband had been complaining that his eye was watering the night before, and he kept complaining about it during the morning. He also made the comment to Big Bit (who had just gotten home from the dentist) that he felt like he'd had a shot of Novocain in his mouth. That was a little weird, so I suggested he get in to see his doctor. However, said doctor was fully booked and we were a little rudely told to go to an Urgent Care. TH wasn't in any pain or anything and felt fine, so we went to lunch first, then I was going to drop him at the Urgent Care close to where we were meeting Dana and go back to get him.

While we were driving after lunch, however, he suddenly said that we should drop the boys off and then go to the Urgent Care. He was a little snippy about it and frankly, I was a little annoyed. We got there, I paid for the boys' activities, said hi to Dana and that we'd be right back.

When I got back in the car, and asked him why I needed to go in with him, he said, "I think this is serious and I need you there." He hadn't said that before, so now I got scared. We went the three minutes to the Urgent Care, who got him right in - then took his blood pressure, looked at his face, which suddenly was kind of still on one side, and told me to get him to the Emergency Room, another five minutes away.

We got him out to the car, I made him lie down in the seat, and then I drove like a bat out of hell to the ER, while calling Dana to give her an update and to my Mom that I needed her to pick the boys up. Luckily, the hospital is a brand new one and not a lot of people realize it's there, so we got right in. All I could keep thinking were two things - a) I'm really not ready to be in the middle of a tragedy at the holidays(who is?) and b) It was Little Bit's 11th birthday and nothing could happen to TH on his birthday. It just couldn't.

As it turned out, we had a great ER doctor, who looked at TH right away and proclaimed he had Bell's Palsy. It's a condition that affects one side of your face, making you not able to move your muscles from your forhead to your chin, it's usually caused by a virus, similar to shingles and chicken pox, and it USUALLY goes away within a few weeks. No stroke, no heart attack (though I damned near had one during all this as you might imagine). Just a virus, and an inability to blink his left eye or smile on both sides of his mouth. Which is a bigger pain in the butt than you might think, but obviously better than the alternatives. He got some steroids and antivirals and an eyepatch. Arrr!

So, the rest of that day was a blur, then it was getting Big Bit on a plane back to Reno, back to work for me for a couple of days and then it was Christmas! At our house! With the stepmonster in law! Yay (/sarcasm)! (Actually, she was fairly low key, the gifts were only semi last minute, with no forethought whatsoever, and we had a good visit with TH's sister, brother in law and nephew). We got to see Cousin Steve before he jetted back to Seattle, too, so all in all it turned out well. And when I went to church Christmas Eve, you can bet I said "Thank You" to the guy(s) upstairs.

But I've had a lot to think about, and it wasn't Christmas cards. I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas and that your New Year's is great too. I'm hoping mine is drama free. It's my fifteenth wedding anniversary and I would like to enjoy it.

Cheers!

My Family is Vandal Nation

Except for Steve and I, the lepers, pretty much everyone in our family who went to college (I think), if they went past junior college, went to University of Idaho. This includes aunts, uncles and cousins. Oh, I guess Uncle Truman went to Boise Junior College as well (evil chuckle).

Today I got a call from Cousin Vern, who is the most Vandally Vandal of them all. I remember most of the night we stayed at his house in Moscow when he was at college and had his (usual) pre-football game party. I gave up and went to bed, but TH kept up with the (much) younger boys, because he is a Vandal too and he couldn't let those young whippersnappers pass him up.

I could watch Nevada vs. Idaho the next day without a pounding headache. Don't think that was true of the other male members of my family.

Anyhow, Cousin Vern is coming to town, in order to (and I paraphrase) "Drink beer and tailgate and sh--." It will be very good to see him.

Now, I must find the number of the bail bondsman.

That is all.

The Whole Social Networking Thing

So, I deactivated my Facebook account tonight. I did it because a high school boyfriend went from being cute to being a jerk, then a teacher from high school was defending himself against his role in the infamous Jackson Hole High School ski trip in 1982...and trust me, I know the truth on this one as opposed to his version...and I just got tired of people finding me on Facebook. If you've already found me, you no doubt have my e-mail.

I Have An Excuse

I'm on vacation. That's why I haven't blogged. Um, well, except that I just started vacation yesterday and it's been about two weeks since last post. However, as one of my coworkers and I discussed last week (she, too, is off this week), there has been serious vacationitis going on for us for two weeks.

We're going to Oregon with our good friends the Hydes - and, all things coming together and the creek don't rise, I'll get to meet Cele! Hoping to connect with cousin Kristi as well.

But mostly, I'm just going to sit - in a hot tub, in a beach chair in a restaurant booth, with a book or without one and just BE. I never took a break between jobs and although London was wonderful, that sort of trip isn't relaxing. It just can't be done in six days and have any relaxation associated with it! So I'm really looking forward to just being for a while.

Have a great week!

I'm a Survivor

I'm glad it's my off Monday and I don't have anything pressing to do beyond putting in the garden (already 1/2 done) and general housecleaning. We've been pushing so hard getting the house ready for the party last weekend - which I totally FAILED to take pictures of and then this weekend we had another event we had to attend. Yes, I said had to because I think that's how we all felt. Except for Big Bit, who was anticipating a train wreck of family dysfunction in epic proportions. He didn't get it though, everyone was very well behaved.



Let me back up a little bit. I had mentioned a while back that there was something I wasn't too thrilled about and that my opinion might come out on Facebook. That thing was my father in law's pending nuptials. He doesn't read this blog, well, none of TH's family does and that's the way I like it for now. Not that I talk about them, until now anyway.


My mother in law died while we lived in hell, I mean Utah, right before I started this blog. I loved her. She was the BEST mother in law you could ask for (and trust me, the first one I had was the WORST one, so I know what I'm talking about). She was patient, supportive and a great mother and wife and a terrific grandmother. She had opinions, and could voice them with a little biting wit on occasion but usually she just kept her opinion to herself. Actually, she reminded me of my grandmother. I hope they've met by now, they'd get along famously.


So, anyhow, a few months later, TH's dad's best friend died. I loved him. He was a physician, witty, charming, and boy could he flirt! Not in a bad way, but in that fun way when you're talking with someone who really appreciates women and has a great sense of humor. His family was Old Idaho, like mine (only with a lot more money!), in fact his first cousin was the late Senator Frank Church. He was quite a bit older than TH's dad and his health hadn't been good for a while. I'm sure he's charming all the women in heaven now.


As often happens, the widow and widower got together and that, honestly, wouldn't be a problem - except I've never, ever liked her. I just didn't. She was okay, I could deal with her, but if it hadn't been for how much I liked her husband, I would have avoided her as much as possible. I knew TH wasn't thrilled, and he's known her since he was, oh, around 10 years old but I figured that was natural, while my reaction was odd. Surely, I thought, I was the only one that felt this way. Then I had some back and forth with my niece on Facebook wherein she indicated she, too, was not happy. In fact, she conveniently had a reason not to come to the wedding. Hm...



The ceremony took place. TH had to BUY a suit, the first one in his life, for this event. That smacked of fancy, and fancy isn't something that TH is, though he can pull it off, as you'll see. Pretty soon, the more that we heard, fancy started smacking of pretentious. Pretentious isn't something either one of us do well at ALL. It's the reason I will never rise higher in my career than my current level. And I'm okay with that. I'm also okay with the fact I successfully avoided the bachelorette party with lingerie and other things that I won't mention since my aunt reads this blog and she'd wash my mouth out with soap. It's kind of like going to a bachelor/ette party for your parents. Ew.



I did take the opportunity to get a family picture. Everybody looks good, I have to say Big Bit is getting to be a fine looking man. Wah.





My mom had been around TH's parents a lot, and has had a good relationship with his Dad, so she of course had been invited. She wasn't thrilled either, though I think she says she couldn't remember having met the fiancee until last weekend (did I mention the bride to be wore a GOLD JACKET AND TIGHT PANTS TO OUR PARTY? I HAVE WITNESSES). I guess she's heard me complain enough. Thanks Mom.

So, off we went to the ceremony and while I knew TH was distracted, I had no idea how bad he was until we came down the hill into Horsehoe Bend...which was NOT where the wedding was. It was in Emmett. He forgot how to get there. Please note, the physician I spoke of was TH's doctor, who lived in Emmett, and he used to go there anytime something was up that required a doctor visit, not to mention the fact they used him as informal tech support for their office. I've been there approximately twice since my freshman year of college when I had a friend who lived there. So I didn't really think about where we were going. Thankfully, there is a road from Horsehoe Bend to Emmett that isn't too long. We got to the site about 15 minutes before the wedding was to start instead of an hour, as planned. Oh well.

TH and his brother in law were best man and groomsman, respectively. We hadn't seen him and TH's sister in over two years. Things got very disjointed and weird once Mama Sue wasn't around. TH and his sister aren't close, mostly because they have very different interests in life but they do love each other. I was surprised at how happy I was to see them. That is a good sign. It was also a good sign when she pointed at the punch bowl and told me, "I have the non-alcoholic drinks" and burst out laughing (unusual for her) when I responded "Today, I HAVE to drink" as I headed for the wine. I think she would have been drinking, if she ever had done so. Hm. Maybe I'm not the only one, I thought.

As I said, TH can pull off fancy. He looked awesome. Thankfully Big Bit was around to tie his necktie for him, because I sure don't know how and obviously neither does he!

TH's grandfather and aunt had come out from Arkansas for the wedding. They are his mom's side of the family, so I was thinking this must mark a sign of approval from them. Based on the conversation TH had with his aunt yesterday - not so much. More proof I'm not alone. Unfortunately, we didn't get pictures of them at the wedding (Big Bit was distracted too) but they're coming over to the house before they head back so I will get some. They are just the nicest people ever.

I will not comment on the following photos. You, dear reader, certainly can though if you wish. I won't repeat what friend Allen said on Facebook. Let me just note it was faboo. Steve muttered something unprintable. Actually it was printable because he said "bleep" instead of the bad word, but I forget exactly what his utterance was.

TH's cousins and their spouses also came and though I've only met them a few times, it was nice to visit with them too, although sadly, they told us that TH's uncle (his Dad's older brother) is nearing the end of his battle with pancreatic cancer. Uncle Al is a great guy, his birthday is a few days before Little Bit's in December and he gave us great advice on how to deal with a birthday so close to Christmas when I was pregnant. He's also fun to golf with. They live in Arizona now, so we haven't seen him or Aunt Gloria for a while but I think of them often.

So, anyway, it all went down, it's over, and now we can go back to being ignored by the happy couple, which, as it turns out from all of the family feedback (we'd never asked before because we were sure we were the only ones who weren't happy) is pretty much what's happening to all of us. It's too damn bad for Grandpa, but there you are. His problem, not ours. Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.