Life is weird sometimes. Well, if you're me, it's weird all the time, but that's another story for another Talk Thursday.
One of the reasons I didn't write over the summer is I was just working through stuff. I keep thinking "You're in your 40's, you're supposed to have this all figured out." But I don't, and I keep working at it. I've been frustrated because I don't have a job I love. I love where I live, and when we moved back I remember telling TH "I can hate my job or I can hate where I live, but I can't hate both, I'll never make it." In some ways this is true. I couldn't. But I find disliking one or the other very disheartening. Don Quixote, quit tilting at windmills.
I've been trying to find paths in which I can feel fulfilled in different ways at my output, even if it's not output I get paid for. That's a bit challenging given that I do have a job, a family and I'm trying to get a professional certification that's good for the resume if not much else.
Today a few weird things happened. Two of them positive, one not in a way but a way that made me thoughtful. Today was truly a progression for me, and that's not an experience I've had in a while.
First, when I got to work, I had a message from @wallypingel on Twitter asking me if I'd be interested in providing a female sports/Packers perspective to his blog, PocketDoppler.com. I "met" Wally through CheeseheadTV and he has some people he collaborates on this site, which definitely has content of interest to me. I thought for a couple of hours - I love to write, I've been told I'm good at it professionally but for entertainment? Whew. But, I was thinking yesterday that I would love to do something like be a professional sportswriter, or a blogger that became financially solvent for it. Aaron Nagler from CheeseheadTv was featured in the New York Times yesterday along with his partner in crime Corey Behnke. They don't do this for a living. YET. But I think they might pull it off. I don't think I ever would but I thought - what the hell? So I'm going to have a weekly post for Wally unless he thinks I suck at writing. In which case you will never hear another mention of this again.
Second - had a great lunch with the colleague who's daughter is attending school with Big Bit and we found out that we had much in common - we both love Craig Ferguson, we both have surreptitious piles of "important" papers on various counter corners in our house, our college freshmen both break our hearts occasionally - you name it. The progression part though is that she had a project that she needed help with that was up my alley - how our company could use social media. I jumped at the chance because whether it results in advancement or not, I knew I would enjoy it and it IS professionally related output. Yay!
The last thing was sad in a way, and yes, in a minor way, but still. Greg Bedard from the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, my Twitter buddy that came to see TH and I in Seattle, is leaving Wisconsin and moving to work for the Boston Globe as their premier NFL writer. Very cool for Greg, he's from the region and loves the Red Sox, but I was momentarily crushed, because he and I chatter about things every so often that are much beyond the Packers. Real Housewives of... (he and his wife love it, I DO NOT get it at all), last night we chatted about the Rutgers student's suicide because Greg went to Rutgers and I knew he'd be crushed, and other things now and again. Then I stopped and thought - you know, if I have any kind of connection in reality here to this very nice man, it's not going to stop because he leaves Wisconsin. Not like he lives next door to me in Boise, after all. And if we don't keep chattering, I know it was part of his professional obligation to talk to fans but he did it like a gentleman and that in this day and age is refreshing.
So - some new things for me to do, to think about, to write about and hopefully they'll result in some personal growth and accentuate the good things that seem to be brewing or already exist in my life. Start being appreciative, damn it. (I remind myself.)
Showing posts with label Talk Thursday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Talk Thursday. Show all posts
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Talk Thursday: Endings...and Beginnings
Yep, I set the topic again, so I feel obligated to write. I have written on other's topics (maybe twice, to my shame) so I don't feel like I'm totally favoring myself. :)
Usually, endings are sad. The last few years I've had some that are happy, and some that are sad.
Happy Endings:
Leaving Utah
Child Support
Sad Endings:
My grandmother's passing
My doggie's passing
Beginnings are always more optimistic - there's so much room for opportunity to hope and dream about how things will turn out. The beginning we've experienced over the past few years are well documented on this blog.
When you get into your 40's, it's a little harder to find beginnings, frankly, at least for me. My kid's lives are really still beginning and that's fascinating, but it's their lives, not mine. I might start another new job in the next few years - but more and more, as friend Shawn says, the time I (and he) spent at the Mothership working for Jenny looks like an aberration in one's career, not a constant. Everything else has been a job. I've been with TH for almost 16 years and all signs point to it's going to last (thankfully!). I'm not moving ever again, I've decided, so that's out. Let's face it, I am truly the picture of your middle aged Mom.
But....
One thing that has happened is, in a way, a beginning for me. Big Bit has chosen a college. He is going to go to the College of Idaho, the fine institution I wrote about previously and which I attended for all of one semester. Because of the cost (private school = $$$) and because like me as a college freshman he doesn't feel like he would live well in a dorm, he's going to live with us. It's about a 25 mile drive one way, but trust me, the gas in his car (Honda Civic) in no way compares with the cost of living on campus, and he needs to stretch his dollars to last as long as possible.
Since he started school, we've had Big Bit with us a lot - during year round school, probably 4 months total or more of the year, summers during middle schools, weekends frequently etc. (Of course, prior to that I had him full or half time at least). He spent his freshman year in Utah with us, which was wonderful, but it ended badly (not because of anything he or I did, but a third force if you know who I mean) and he went back. He was worried for me and him if he stayed with me.
Now, he's an adult, or as Little Bit put it "He can do whatever he wants, can't he Mom?"
So, in an odd way, Big Bit's graduation, which is an ending, is a beginning for both him, and me. I don't look at him coming to school here as "I win" or anything like it. He picked a school he wants to go to, and we happen to live near it. It saves him money to live here, so he will have less student loan debt at the end.
But still, it's going to be fun to see college through his perspective. I hope he handles it all far, far better than I did. I think, in spite of his shyness that I fully share (and more) that he will be able to enjoy school and not do something stupid like get married (too soon).
Now to go see about selling a kidney to pay for school, as well as the new roof that we weren't supposed to need for 3 more years (augh). That is all.
Usually, endings are sad. The last few years I've had some that are happy, and some that are sad.
Happy Endings:
Leaving Utah
Child Support
Sad Endings:
My grandmother's passing
My doggie's passing
Beginnings are always more optimistic - there's so much room for opportunity to hope and dream about how things will turn out. The beginning we've experienced over the past few years are well documented on this blog.
When you get into your 40's, it's a little harder to find beginnings, frankly, at least for me. My kid's lives are really still beginning and that's fascinating, but it's their lives, not mine. I might start another new job in the next few years - but more and more, as friend Shawn says, the time I (and he) spent at the Mothership working for Jenny looks like an aberration in one's career, not a constant. Everything else has been a job. I've been with TH for almost 16 years and all signs point to it's going to last (thankfully!). I'm not moving ever again, I've decided, so that's out. Let's face it, I am truly the picture of your middle aged Mom.
But....
One thing that has happened is, in a way, a beginning for me. Big Bit has chosen a college. He is going to go to the College of Idaho, the fine institution I wrote about previously and which I attended for all of one semester. Because of the cost (private school = $$$) and because like me as a college freshman he doesn't feel like he would live well in a dorm, he's going to live with us. It's about a 25 mile drive one way, but trust me, the gas in his car (Honda Civic) in no way compares with the cost of living on campus, and he needs to stretch his dollars to last as long as possible.
Since he started school, we've had Big Bit with us a lot - during year round school, probably 4 months total or more of the year, summers during middle schools, weekends frequently etc. (Of course, prior to that I had him full or half time at least). He spent his freshman year in Utah with us, which was wonderful, but it ended badly (not because of anything he or I did, but a third force if you know who I mean) and he went back. He was worried for me and him if he stayed with me.
Now, he's an adult, or as Little Bit put it "He can do whatever he wants, can't he Mom?"
So, in an odd way, Big Bit's graduation, which is an ending, is a beginning for both him, and me. I don't look at him coming to school here as "I win" or anything like it. He picked a school he wants to go to, and we happen to live near it. It saves him money to live here, so he will have less student loan debt at the end.
But still, it's going to be fun to see college through his perspective. I hope he handles it all far, far better than I did. I think, in spite of his shyness that I fully share (and more) that he will be able to enjoy school and not do something stupid like get married (too soon).
Now to go see about selling a kidney to pay for school, as well as the new roof that we weren't supposed to need for 3 more years (augh). That is all.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Talk Thursday - Things That Must Go
I'm grateful to JulieAnn for this topic - I've wanted to write for a while, and haven't been able to or truly motivated to - for a variety of reasons. This one, though, resonated so much that I had to write.
My feelings about my time in Utah are fairly well known and documented, on this blog in particular. One thing I loved, though, was the "Radio From Hell" show. I miss Kerry, Bill and Gina.
They made me laugh out loud on the way to work with their dead on assessments of life in Utah. I also, to this day, use the term "asshat", which I quickly appropriated from Bill. I don't know why it made me laugh. But it did.
I don't know if this will lighten things up as much as JA would like - but here goes.
THINGS THAT MUST GO:
1) My thinking I can fix things for people.
2) People who run red lights.
3) Viking fans. (I would have said Bears fans, but I love my cousin, so no go.)
4) People who don't like Boise. That includes the CEO of a certain corporation that shall remain nameless. You don't have to want to live here, mind you, but just be okay with those of us that do.
5) Tea Party members who use racials slurs. Actually, pretty much anybody that uses racial slurs.
6) Things that keep preventing Jeff Gordon from winning a race. Seriously, people, it's getting ridiculous.
7) Rainy weather (at least for a while)!
8) The Denver Nuggets (the Jazz beat them last night and I believe will continue to do so).
9) Brent Fav-rah. 'Nuff said.
10) My worrying about stupid crap I can't control. Enough already. (See #1 above).
Those, in a nutshell, are things that MUST go. Oh, you're right, I have a list of 100 or so more. But that will do for a start.
My feelings about my time in Utah are fairly well known and documented, on this blog in particular. One thing I loved, though, was the "Radio From Hell" show. I miss Kerry, Bill and Gina.
They made me laugh out loud on the way to work with their dead on assessments of life in Utah. I also, to this day, use the term "asshat", which I quickly appropriated from Bill. I don't know why it made me laugh. But it did.
I don't know if this will lighten things up as much as JA would like - but here goes.
THINGS THAT MUST GO:
1) My thinking I can fix things for people.
2) People who run red lights.
3) Viking fans. (I would have said Bears fans, but I love my cousin, so no go.)
4) People who don't like Boise. That includes the CEO of a certain corporation that shall remain nameless. You don't have to want to live here, mind you, but just be okay with those of us that do.
5) Tea Party members who use racials slurs. Actually, pretty much anybody that uses racial slurs.
6) Things that keep preventing Jeff Gordon from winning a race. Seriously, people, it's getting ridiculous.
7) Rainy weather (at least for a while)!
8) The Denver Nuggets (the Jazz beat them last night and I believe will continue to do so).
9) Brent Fav-rah. 'Nuff said.
10) My worrying about stupid crap I can't control. Enough already. (See #1 above).
Those, in a nutshell, are things that MUST go. Oh, you're right, I have a list of 100 or so more. But that will do for a start.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Talk Thursday - Spin
I haven't blogged much lately - I would say I don't know why, but I do know. For years I've been preaching to myself "simplify" because my world seems to be in a perpetual spin. There is something of an ebb and flow to this, but for the most part, I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round and can't get off.
First of all, of course, there's work. The job's not terribly difficult, most days, and I've made some emotional adjustments so I can handle it better, but I struggle between thinking I should work a regular 8-5 schedule (for the most part) and the flexible schedule I'm currently on. It sounds great - every other Monday off - but the extra time I'm at work in the other days seems to throw me off. If I could just get up in the morning, I could get to work earlier and I'm sure the days wouldn't seem so long.
Then, there's life! TH is in Portland this week for work - may I mention how much better things worked for me when I was the one that traveled for work? Little Bit has been pretty good, but he likes to trot out his rebelliousness at the moment it's least needed - when getting ready for school, church, etc.
I've taken up piano since Christmas - TH gave me a lovely keyboard. I've always wanted to play, and enjoying lessons with friend Allen, but it's another thing I have to do everyday.
I've also been doing the Wii Fit the last few weeks - at least 30 minutes 5 times a week. Yet again, another thing I have to do.
That doesn't include laundry, shopping and all that stuff that just has to be done.
I haven't blogged, haven't really read blogs, haven't e-mailed Psam back and she probably thinks she pissed me off (she didn't, she has really good insight like her Mom), I have just run on the treadmill.
For Lent, you have to give something up (well, you don't in my church, but being more thoughtful about your life and relationship to God is strongly encouraged). I'm giving up The Spin. What does that mean exactly? I have 40 days to figure it out. I'll keep you posted.
First of all, of course, there's work. The job's not terribly difficult, most days, and I've made some emotional adjustments so I can handle it better, but I struggle between thinking I should work a regular 8-5 schedule (for the most part) and the flexible schedule I'm currently on. It sounds great - every other Monday off - but the extra time I'm at work in the other days seems to throw me off. If I could just get up in the morning, I could get to work earlier and I'm sure the days wouldn't seem so long.
Then, there's life! TH is in Portland this week for work - may I mention how much better things worked for me when I was the one that traveled for work? Little Bit has been pretty good, but he likes to trot out his rebelliousness at the moment it's least needed - when getting ready for school, church, etc.
I've taken up piano since Christmas - TH gave me a lovely keyboard. I've always wanted to play, and enjoying lessons with friend Allen, but it's another thing I have to do everyday.
I've also been doing the Wii Fit the last few weeks - at least 30 minutes 5 times a week. Yet again, another thing I have to do.
That doesn't include laundry, shopping and all that stuff that just has to be done.
I haven't blogged, haven't really read blogs, haven't e-mailed Psam back and she probably thinks she pissed me off (she didn't, she has really good insight like her Mom), I have just run on the treadmill.
For Lent, you have to give something up (well, you don't in my church, but being more thoughtful about your life and relationship to God is strongly encouraged). I'm giving up The Spin. What does that mean exactly? I have 40 days to figure it out. I'll keep you posted.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Talk Thursday - Long Time Gone
"You're a long time gone...keepin' your secrets for too long. Baby, you ain't half of what you used to be....in this dim October sky, I've got no tears left to cry...And I'm finally learning you can't be too strong....I'm a long time gone" - Gin Blossoms, Long Time Gone.
Well, since it's my topic...I'd better write on it.
I went to church Sunday, as I do most Sundays (not all, sadly, in the winter I am a sloth who has trouble rising before 9 when the sun comes up unless it involves going somewhere warm or getting paid to show up to work). As one of the ladies I work with says, I don't go to church so much because I think I have to in order to keep my faith, but I'd hate to see what kind of person I'd be if I didn't go. She said that about her, not me. I think.
I had already sent out the topic, and had some idea of what I would write about. But then it was the Women's service at the church as happens once a year. Yeah, you'd think I'd know that. But I'm not terribly involved other than showing up, worshiping and giving money. Lutherans aren't the most friendly bunch in the world, and while I really like our Pastor, who's in his early 30s and, for a Pastor, fairly liberal in his ideas, I don't fit in with his "group" who are about his age, and I don't fit in with the older people, (i.e. anyone 10 years older than me) because they just seem very comfortable with each other, and despite the fact they've seen my mug on and off for 15 years, they don't seem to interested in pursuing a conversation, and as I've mentioned before I'm shy. (note to Kristi - when Shane has a church, make darned sure you go talk to that nice lady in her early 40's who's standing off to the side and isn't quite sure how to proceed. She'll love you for it).
So, anyhoo, there I am in church, led by the ladies, and very nicely, too. Then the woman who was doing the sermon got up. And, kids, she rocked my world. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. I thought I knew at first, but now I'm not sure how to pull it off.
What I've taken from my experiences a "Long Time Gone" is that you can do something with the best of intentions and be brutally, totally, and completely punished for it. Due to my not being the primary custodial parent the majority of the time since Big Bit started school, I've had everything from people who broke off conversations upon finding out my situation to "family" members saying (though not to my face, of course) that I was probably unfit or at the very least an extremely poor mother for not being in the same town as my child. (Please note, one of these family member should be investigated by Child Protective Services, and I'm not the only person who thinks that. So I thought she had a lot of nerve. No, she doesn't read this, so it's not any of you). I had someone tell me when I announced I was pregnant "Oh (bleep)". I took this as an assumption that I would not be able to keep custody or raise a second child effectively.
In fact, I will note for the historical record, there has never been any allegation I'm unfit. I just had the cojones to stand up for myself, and to some guys, that is enough of a crime.
I knew my truth, why I did make certain decisions and not others. Certain decisions were made by "independent" third parties who at the end of the day didn't seem independent at all. I've made my peace with that part of it, as it were. I don't claim to be without blame. I have plenty and I take responsibility. But I can't stand to even hear EHFH's voice anymore.
The woman, who had also been through a bad divorce, though one with different parameters than mine, said that you have to forgive. Not for the other person, but for yourself. I've heard this before, in other times and places, but this time it really hit me. Whether you believe in Christianity or you think it's bunk, this is a precept that does make a lot of sense.
You see, Friday is Big Bit's 18th birthday. I've been going through this crap for SIXTEEN YEARS. Let me repeat: SIXTEEN years. And while when I got divorced I had no hard feelings as such towards EHFH, he has made it his mission over the last SIXTEEN years to make my life a living hell whenever possible. His actions have pretty much made what affection remained morph into something pretty close to hatred. And while he hasn't always succeeded in his quest, he's succeeded enough to make me more than regret giving him that power. If you add in our married and divorced time, it's coming up on 25 years. That's a lifetime.
So I resolve to forgive on Sunday night. And I'm feeling very "Christlike in my love and forgiveness" to paraphrase the Church (not my Church but "the one true Church"). Then Big Bit calls me last night to talk to me about his FAFSA that has to be filed so he can get qualified for his scholarships, private grants, etc. He and his father are yelling at each other. Not screaming, but yelling pretty loud. I flashback to being afraid, with a two year old in a diaper in my arms, backing up towards a refrigerator, with a very enraged man in my face. I tell Big Bit that I have to get off the phone.
"Call me when you're done". I know it's not serious, honestly. I know they're just both mad, not violent in any way. Big Bit is 6 foot tall and at least 185 lbs. But it gives me the heebie jeebies.
Then, when Big Bit calls back, and I explain that I couldn't stay on the phone because it was creeping me out, he has the raw nerve to say "You aren't good with confrontation".
Oh, I'm good with confrontation, son. I held you in my arms ready to defend you to the end with your dad screaming in our faces. I'm glad you don't remember. I confronted 12 hours of labor only to go through major surgery to have you. And I'm glad I did. I bought my lawyer a freakin' Corvette to try and keep you with me. I'm just not good with screaming.
It's obviously hard to forgive. But it's a long time gone, and I'm tired of secrets. And yelling. It is time to forgive. Wish me good luck, I'm going to need it.
Other than posting pics of Big Bit's graduation which may include pictures of him, this is the last time I will mention that man, forgiveness or no. It's time for that as well.
Well, since it's my topic...I'd better write on it.
I went to church Sunday, as I do most Sundays (not all, sadly, in the winter I am a sloth who has trouble rising before 9 when the sun comes up unless it involves going somewhere warm or getting paid to show up to work). As one of the ladies I work with says, I don't go to church so much because I think I have to in order to keep my faith, but I'd hate to see what kind of person I'd be if I didn't go. She said that about her, not me. I think.
I had already sent out the topic, and had some idea of what I would write about. But then it was the Women's service at the church as happens once a year. Yeah, you'd think I'd know that. But I'm not terribly involved other than showing up, worshiping and giving money. Lutherans aren't the most friendly bunch in the world, and while I really like our Pastor, who's in his early 30s and, for a Pastor, fairly liberal in his ideas, I don't fit in with his "group" who are about his age, and I don't fit in with the older people, (i.e. anyone 10 years older than me) because they just seem very comfortable with each other, and despite the fact they've seen my mug on and off for 15 years, they don't seem to interested in pursuing a conversation, and as I've mentioned before I'm shy. (note to Kristi - when Shane has a church, make darned sure you go talk to that nice lady in her early 40's who's standing off to the side and isn't quite sure how to proceed. She'll love you for it).
So, anyhoo, there I am in church, led by the ladies, and very nicely, too. Then the woman who was doing the sermon got up. And, kids, she rocked my world. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. I thought I knew at first, but now I'm not sure how to pull it off.
What I've taken from my experiences a "Long Time Gone" is that you can do something with the best of intentions and be brutally, totally, and completely punished for it. Due to my not being the primary custodial parent the majority of the time since Big Bit started school, I've had everything from people who broke off conversations upon finding out my situation to "family" members saying (though not to my face, of course) that I was probably unfit or at the very least an extremely poor mother for not being in the same town as my child. (Please note, one of these family member should be investigated by Child Protective Services, and I'm not the only person who thinks that. So I thought she had a lot of nerve. No, she doesn't read this, so it's not any of you). I had someone tell me when I announced I was pregnant "Oh (bleep)". I took this as an assumption that I would not be able to keep custody or raise a second child effectively.
In fact, I will note for the historical record, there has never been any allegation I'm unfit. I just had the cojones to stand up for myself, and to some guys, that is enough of a crime.
I knew my truth, why I did make certain decisions and not others. Certain decisions were made by "independent" third parties who at the end of the day didn't seem independent at all. I've made my peace with that part of it, as it were. I don't claim to be without blame. I have plenty and I take responsibility. But I can't stand to even hear EHFH's voice anymore.
The woman, who had also been through a bad divorce, though one with different parameters than mine, said that you have to forgive. Not for the other person, but for yourself. I've heard this before, in other times and places, but this time it really hit me. Whether you believe in Christianity or you think it's bunk, this is a precept that does make a lot of sense.
You see, Friday is Big Bit's 18th birthday. I've been going through this crap for SIXTEEN YEARS. Let me repeat: SIXTEEN years. And while when I got divorced I had no hard feelings as such towards EHFH, he has made it his mission over the last SIXTEEN years to make my life a living hell whenever possible. His actions have pretty much made what affection remained morph into something pretty close to hatred. And while he hasn't always succeeded in his quest, he's succeeded enough to make me more than regret giving him that power. If you add in our married and divorced time, it's coming up on 25 years. That's a lifetime.
So I resolve to forgive on Sunday night. And I'm feeling very "Christlike in my love and forgiveness" to paraphrase the Church (not my Church but "the one true Church"). Then Big Bit calls me last night to talk to me about his FAFSA that has to be filed so he can get qualified for his scholarships, private grants, etc. He and his father are yelling at each other. Not screaming, but yelling pretty loud. I flashback to being afraid, with a two year old in a diaper in my arms, backing up towards a refrigerator, with a very enraged man in my face. I tell Big Bit that I have to get off the phone.
"Call me when you're done". I know it's not serious, honestly. I know they're just both mad, not violent in any way. Big Bit is 6 foot tall and at least 185 lbs. But it gives me the heebie jeebies.
Then, when Big Bit calls back, and I explain that I couldn't stay on the phone because it was creeping me out, he has the raw nerve to say "You aren't good with confrontation".
Oh, I'm good with confrontation, son. I held you in my arms ready to defend you to the end with your dad screaming in our faces. I'm glad you don't remember. I confronted 12 hours of labor only to go through major surgery to have you. And I'm glad I did. I bought my lawyer a freakin' Corvette to try and keep you with me. I'm just not good with screaming.
It's obviously hard to forgive. But it's a long time gone, and I'm tired of secrets. And yelling. It is time to forgive. Wish me good luck, I'm going to need it.
Other than posting pics of Big Bit's graduation which may include pictures of him, this is the last time I will mention that man, forgiveness or no. It's time for that as well.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Talk Thursday - My My Time Flies
I have been a horrible Talk Thursday participant - sorry Cele! But I will try to be better.
I haven't posted - after the documented upheaval I really just decompressed. New Year's Eve we were supposed to go to either friend Dana's or friend Rhonda's, but it started to snow around 5 p.m. and mix in slick roads, the intent to have a few drinks and the fact that it's "amateur night" so I really hate to go out in crowds anymore...we stayed home.
It was our 15th wedding anniversary...time does fly. I don't know why this one hit home more to me than number 14...but it really did. I've spent 1/3 of my life married to TH, far more than I was with EHFH. And, I still like him. (Yes, there are days but that's how it works).
It seems yesterday I was a somewhat wounded 27 year old, pretty sure that marriage wasn't for me, my son was going to be an only child because his first two years had been the hardest of my life (and I was starting to wonder how anyone's marriage withstood having children, even a planned one as Big Bit was) and my intent from then on was to date different guys, have lots of friends and an active social life and, in short, live a very different life than that I had to that point. The sole exception to this (other than the rest of my family) was Big Bit. He I really had committed to for life and that wasn't going anywhere, not that I wanted it to.
So, there I was, 1994, first week in Boise, had a boyfriend I was dating prior to moving (no, I didn't move here for him, which could be a book in itself) and through him a roommate who turned out to be complicated but for the time being was a lot of fun to hang out with, made the lots of friends. On this night I was on the town with my cousin, and who did I meet but...yep. TH.
I had been divorced, I think, a little over a month. Yeah, I know. I really do know and I know what I would have said to someone who was in the same situation. "You idiot!"
It didn't start off like that. I didn't hear from him for well over a week and a half. And in fact when he called I didn't know who he was. *Cough* No, it's not that bad but I have a short memory.
Suffice it to say six months, a whole lotta drama later, more than one meeting with Big Bit and lots of discussion and soul searching on both our parts, we got married. 12/31/94. And I will never, never be sorry we did. Not only do I still love him, but I have my second Bit. And I treasure him beyond measure, as I do with the first.
And while I do have friends and something of a social life, it's not anything like I envisioned when I moved to Boise. And that is just fine with me.
I love you TH. Time does fly.
I haven't posted - after the documented upheaval I really just decompressed. New Year's Eve we were supposed to go to either friend Dana's or friend Rhonda's, but it started to snow around 5 p.m. and mix in slick roads, the intent to have a few drinks and the fact that it's "amateur night" so I really hate to go out in crowds anymore...we stayed home.
It was our 15th wedding anniversary...time does fly. I don't know why this one hit home more to me than number 14...but it really did. I've spent 1/3 of my life married to TH, far more than I was with EHFH. And, I still like him. (Yes, there are days but that's how it works).
It seems yesterday I was a somewhat wounded 27 year old, pretty sure that marriage wasn't for me, my son was going to be an only child because his first two years had been the hardest of my life (and I was starting to wonder how anyone's marriage withstood having children, even a planned one as Big Bit was) and my intent from then on was to date different guys, have lots of friends and an active social life and, in short, live a very different life than that I had to that point. The sole exception to this (other than the rest of my family) was Big Bit. He I really had committed to for life and that wasn't going anywhere, not that I wanted it to.
So, there I was, 1994, first week in Boise, had a boyfriend I was dating prior to moving (no, I didn't move here for him, which could be a book in itself) and through him a roommate who turned out to be complicated but for the time being was a lot of fun to hang out with, made the lots of friends. On this night I was on the town with my cousin, and who did I meet but...yep. TH.
I had been divorced, I think, a little over a month. Yeah, I know. I really do know and I know what I would have said to someone who was in the same situation. "You idiot!"
It didn't start off like that. I didn't hear from him for well over a week and a half. And in fact when he called I didn't know who he was. *Cough* No, it's not that bad but I have a short memory.
Suffice it to say six months, a whole lotta drama later, more than one meeting with Big Bit and lots of discussion and soul searching on both our parts, we got married. 12/31/94. And I will never, never be sorry we did. Not only do I still love him, but I have my second Bit. And I treasure him beyond measure, as I do with the first.
And while I do have friends and something of a social life, it's not anything like I envisioned when I moved to Boise. And that is just fine with me.
I love you TH. Time does fly.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Talk Thursday - Appreciate, Communicate, Validate
Wow, I am going to be an epic fail when it gets to be my turn to suggest the Talk Thursday topic. You guys are all too good!
I'm passing on the Sex and Tattoos one. My mom reads my blog. No, Mom, I don't have a tattoo.
I appreciated this topic - see, I'm already on task! I think the reason I did is because I've recently realized that one of the people in my life I need to do all three things with - is - myself.
Now hear me out, because I know that sounds self-centered. But all my life, I've had high expectations for myself. Others had those same expectations. I was supposed to "be a contender".
Note: I've always been harder on myself than anyone else can be. If you're going to yell at me or criticize me, I've already done it 100 times harder in my head. So you might want to skip doing it. This makes me have a hard time appreciating what abilities I possess, or how good my life really is.
For a long time, I felt like I wasn't living up to my potential. My grades in college were adequate, at best. I worked for a bank and felt like I wasn't getting anywhere. My marriage was...well, it was what it was.
Over the last 15 years, I've kind of come full circle. I found an employer I LOVED, then had to leave it when it changed ideals, and not for the better. As a workforce we were inspired to do well because it was all for one and one for all. Our CEO was the BEST EVER (we really thought that, and maybe it was true at one time).
Now I am in a "job", as I've mentioned before. I didn't realize how much I used my career to validate myself, but over the last year it's become very apparent. Until around 12 years ago, that was never the case. I was always in a "job". I'm just not used to that. I am learning to validate myself more in other ways, as a person, a friend, a Mom and a wife. I always did that to a certain extent but my perspective has shifted. And that is a good thing.
And, a little out of order, but I have to better communicate with myself. Communicate with myself? Sounds odd. But, my inner voice doesn't always encourage me like it should. Fairly common problem, but I keep hearing this "as you get older you get more self-confident or at least more accepting of your faults". Whatever. I'm working on it.
Because if I can get better at all of these things for myself, I'm just going to be that much better at it for all of the people I care about.
I'm passing on the Sex and Tattoos one. My mom reads my blog. No, Mom, I don't have a tattoo.
I appreciated this topic - see, I'm already on task! I think the reason I did is because I've recently realized that one of the people in my life I need to do all three things with - is - myself.
Now hear me out, because I know that sounds self-centered. But all my life, I've had high expectations for myself. Others had those same expectations. I was supposed to "be a contender".
Note: I've always been harder on myself than anyone else can be. If you're going to yell at me or criticize me, I've already done it 100 times harder in my head. So you might want to skip doing it. This makes me have a hard time appreciating what abilities I possess, or how good my life really is.
For a long time, I felt like I wasn't living up to my potential. My grades in college were adequate, at best. I worked for a bank and felt like I wasn't getting anywhere. My marriage was...well, it was what it was.
Over the last 15 years, I've kind of come full circle. I found an employer I LOVED, then had to leave it when it changed ideals, and not for the better. As a workforce we were inspired to do well because it was all for one and one for all. Our CEO was the BEST EVER (we really thought that, and maybe it was true at one time).
Now I am in a "job", as I've mentioned before. I didn't realize how much I used my career to validate myself, but over the last year it's become very apparent. Until around 12 years ago, that was never the case. I was always in a "job". I'm just not used to that. I am learning to validate myself more in other ways, as a person, a friend, a Mom and a wife. I always did that to a certain extent but my perspective has shifted. And that is a good thing.
And, a little out of order, but I have to better communicate with myself. Communicate with myself? Sounds odd. But, my inner voice doesn't always encourage me like it should. Fairly common problem, but I keep hearing this "as you get older you get more self-confident or at least more accepting of your faults". Whatever. I'm working on it.
Because if I can get better at all of these things for myself, I'm just going to be that much better at it for all of the people I care about.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Life Altering Truths
Cele invited me to be part of Talk Thursday. I've followed this for a while - a topic is suggested by one of the contributors and then everyone writes on this subject (am I missing anything Cele?).
I've found the entries really enlightening. I'm a bit hesitant here because, well, sometimes things get disclosed in the contributions, as I've seen. But here goes and we'll see how I go with this. At any rate I thank Cele for the invite.
I'm somewhat of a believer in something of a life altering truth - epiphanies. I've had a few in my life and they honestly have always led me to the better, or to the worse if I've ignored them. I haven't had one in a while but I'll never turn one down. I can always use some guidance. I prefer to think of it as Divine Guidance but you can call it what you will.
I think maybe the first life altering truth I had is when I realized I didn't want to be married anymore. Let me be clear - when I got married I meant to be always. Most everyone does. However, most everyone, hell, anyone, shouldn't be 18 when they get married.
I don't think I got married for the "right" reasons because I was too young to know what the "right" reasons felt like. I was shy, skinny, had a "prominent" nose as my friend Karee used to say and when a guy who seemed to have a sparkling personality, athletic grace and a propensity to like me came along, I jumped. I was already engaged to a wonderful guy who did not deserve me (and I mean that in the best way, he would have been miserable). What the hell was I thinking that I was ready to make such decisions? But EHFH's confidence was irresistible and he reminded me of my high school boyfriend James (of the infamous Facebook incident) who, as I look back on it now, treated me as if I didn't deserve him (in the worst possible way) and I just put up with it. For a few years, actually.
If you looked at me from the outside, you would have said I was a damn lucky kid (and you would have been right). Brand new car as an 18th birthday present, okay grades, some good friends, size 3 jeans (I KNOW!) and a pretty bright future. But I still felt awkward and like I didn't fit in. EHFH seemed to save me from all that because he promised in some odd way that I "belonged".
My friend Renee has a daughter who got married a little later than I did in life, but not much, and she, like me had an agenda: get married. finish college. have a baby once financially able to support baby. have another baby two years later. have a nice big house...blah, blah, blah. (Actually, her daughter is much less shallow than I think I was at that age and has accomplished most of these things anyway). But for anyone to think life can be planned out is nonsensical. You can try, but you aren't in control of anything, really.
After the "first" baby, certain things became painfully clear. Eighteen year olds, really, are all very, very much alike. Twenty-six year olds are not. For the first time in my life I saw my full potential not just as a mother and a wife to someone who considered me an equal partner but in my career, life choices and so on as well. And I knew I needed more. And yes, I deserved more. It may sound selfish, but I really don't look at it that way. It would have been very selfish to the EHFH and to Big Bit to remain in a relationship that had become untenable. It probably would have destroyed me ultimately as well.
I won't go into detail on what precipitated the epiphany, because I'm not especially proud of all aspects of my behavior, but let me state clearly that once I had that epiphany I moved quickly to do the right thing, and let both of us try to get to what we really wanted in life and provide Big Bit a more stable environment. For this, in many ways, I've been punished financially, emotionally and socially. I am proud of the fact that Big Bit has been with us a lot, in fact lived with us for a while and that I've been an effective parent to him. We have a bond that I am not sure would be any stronger if he'd never left my roof.
But I stand by my decision, and for me, the life altering truth is this - as Andie MacDowell said in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" - "As John Lennon said, who died the same year as my father, All You Need is Love."
Real, mature love. Some people who marry as teenagers or barely over can make this transition. Many, many can not. And I still think I made the right decision. My divorce/custody attorney said to me, after we didn't get custody of Big Bit when he started school - "Tell me this, would you rather still be married to him?"
No contest, Steve. You may have not proven to be a great attorney, but at that moment, when I was at an all time low, you gave me another life altering truth. And I would need it going forward.
I've found the entries really enlightening. I'm a bit hesitant here because, well, sometimes things get disclosed in the contributions, as I've seen. But here goes and we'll see how I go with this. At any rate I thank Cele for the invite.
I'm somewhat of a believer in something of a life altering truth - epiphanies. I've had a few in my life and they honestly have always led me to the better, or to the worse if I've ignored them. I haven't had one in a while but I'll never turn one down. I can always use some guidance. I prefer to think of it as Divine Guidance but you can call it what you will.
I think maybe the first life altering truth I had is when I realized I didn't want to be married anymore. Let me be clear - when I got married I meant to be always. Most everyone does. However, most everyone, hell, anyone, shouldn't be 18 when they get married.
I don't think I got married for the "right" reasons because I was too young to know what the "right" reasons felt like. I was shy, skinny, had a "prominent" nose as my friend Karee used to say and when a guy who seemed to have a sparkling personality, athletic grace and a propensity to like me came along, I jumped. I was already engaged to a wonderful guy who did not deserve me (and I mean that in the best way, he would have been miserable). What the hell was I thinking that I was ready to make such decisions? But EHFH's confidence was irresistible and he reminded me of my high school boyfriend James (of the infamous Facebook incident) who, as I look back on it now, treated me as if I didn't deserve him (in the worst possible way) and I just put up with it. For a few years, actually.
If you looked at me from the outside, you would have said I was a damn lucky kid (and you would have been right). Brand new car as an 18th birthday present, okay grades, some good friends, size 3 jeans (I KNOW!) and a pretty bright future. But I still felt awkward and like I didn't fit in. EHFH seemed to save me from all that because he promised in some odd way that I "belonged".
My friend Renee has a daughter who got married a little later than I did in life, but not much, and she, like me had an agenda: get married. finish college. have a baby once financially able to support baby. have another baby two years later. have a nice big house...blah, blah, blah. (Actually, her daughter is much less shallow than I think I was at that age and has accomplished most of these things anyway). But for anyone to think life can be planned out is nonsensical. You can try, but you aren't in control of anything, really.
After the "first" baby, certain things became painfully clear. Eighteen year olds, really, are all very, very much alike. Twenty-six year olds are not. For the first time in my life I saw my full potential not just as a mother and a wife to someone who considered me an equal partner but in my career, life choices and so on as well. And I knew I needed more. And yes, I deserved more. It may sound selfish, but I really don't look at it that way. It would have been very selfish to the EHFH and to Big Bit to remain in a relationship that had become untenable. It probably would have destroyed me ultimately as well.
I won't go into detail on what precipitated the epiphany, because I'm not especially proud of all aspects of my behavior, but let me state clearly that once I had that epiphany I moved quickly to do the right thing, and let both of us try to get to what we really wanted in life and provide Big Bit a more stable environment. For this, in many ways, I've been punished financially, emotionally and socially. I am proud of the fact that Big Bit has been with us a lot, in fact lived with us for a while and that I've been an effective parent to him. We have a bond that I am not sure would be any stronger if he'd never left my roof.
But I stand by my decision, and for me, the life altering truth is this - as Andie MacDowell said in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" - "As John Lennon said, who died the same year as my father, All You Need is Love."
Real, mature love. Some people who marry as teenagers or barely over can make this transition. Many, many can not. And I still think I made the right decision. My divorce/custody attorney said to me, after we didn't get custody of Big Bit when he started school - "Tell me this, would you rather still be married to him?"
No contest, Steve. You may have not proven to be a great attorney, but at that moment, when I was at an all time low, you gave me another life altering truth. And I would need it going forward.
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