Talk Thursday - Devastated

When Krista sent out this topic, it finally spurred me to do something I hadn't for months (obviously) - blog.

What happened? A lot in the last seven months. Frankly, most of it hasn't been good. Bear with me a moment, for those of you who don't know the whole story. There is a moral to it.

Shortly after my last post, I managed to fall on my elbow walking Mario on icy sidewalks (as opposed to my ass, which would have been better) and shatter it. Surgery followed and I can safely say that it hurt worse than being in labor. So there was that. No skiing in the winter. Boo.

January went without much event, just healing up from the surgery but February started off with a bang. Right before Big Bit's birthday, my Dad was diagnosed with terminal leukemia, a month from turning 65. Those of you that have read the blog know that Dad had his battles with cancer, those being smoking related, but this apparently was not. So much for me and my bitching about his smoking.

Strike one.

A week to the day after this became news, Big Bit called me hysterical. He was at his Dad's and had gotten on to Facebook, only to see that TH's niece had posted she had to go home because her brother had committed suicide. Yep. Our nephew. Brad's sister's kid. I was even more shocked because we knew nothing. I got through to TH while he was teaching a class. The fact I did that warned him it was bad. Indeed, he reached his sister as I reached our niece and the worst had happened the night before. They'd had no time to reach us due to logistical issues. We assured them finding out the way we did wasn't anyone's fault. It damn sure was a shock though. I think I'm even more glad I quit Facebook.

Strike two.

So, we're going to a funeral for a 17 year old, two weeks short of his 18th birthday. A beautiful boy, who'd gone through his struggles but seemed to be on a good path. We'd seen him at Christmas and he'd been delightful. Played with Little Bit, chatted, was much more the boy I remembered than he'd been for years. Perhaps this was a sign. We didn't know. I've been to enough teen aged boys' funerals in my life. I didn't need to go to another one. Big Bit was distraught; he and his cousin were a year apart in age and quite good friends when little.

So that passed. The only humorous part of the week was when Big Bit and I were texting each other after the funeral about the obnoxious stepmonster in law - who was in full form.

Another Friday went by with no bad news. Whew.

And then.

My mother called with the news that my cousin's 19 year old, again a great pal of Big Bit's when younger, had killed himself. At this point, kids, I was numb, I was reeling. I was beyond belief that our lives could suck as progressively much as they were getting to, as well as being devastated for my cousin and her husband, great parents, as I had been for my sister-in-law and her husband, who are REALLY good people.

Big Bit was more stoic at this funeral, but for the second time in a month he got to see his boyhood plastered on a wall in the form of a slide show. Was it good that he was in their lives enough to make the final show? Sure. But I'm also sure it was very hard for him.

Strike three.

Oh, and just for good measure, Little Bit was diagnosed with Aspergers in February. Not totally unexpected, but another thing to manage.

We ached through March, we suffered through April, and lagged into May. The weather didn't help. Boise decided to have its wettest, cloudiest spring in recent history. The sun? It wasn't coming out. At all. Ever, apparently. Little Bit struggled at school, and Big Bit did too.

Mid-may came, and Big Bit was finishing up his last semester. We were starting to get some equilibrium, I thought. We'd been to see Dad frequently, and I'd talked to him on the phone, but one could tell he was getting progressively more sad and more weak. TH and I went to see him, and when I got there he was so bad that he basically needed to sleep all the time so that he wouldn't hurt. If he woke up, he was in pain. I saw him for probably two minutes that weekend. I was a chicken. I couldn't face it. I am pretty ashamed of myself for that. Thank God for my stepmother. If God didn't send her into Dad's life, I don't know who did, because apparently I wasn't going to be able to take care of him. The last time I saw him, he was asleep, finally peacefully, and I didn't want to wake him up. I still wonder if that was the right decision.

We went home, as it didn't seem he was at "that" stage. In the middle of the night my phone rang. I HATE middle of the night phone calls. Nothing good comes of these calls, ever. They're either death or drunk dialing and there's nothing positive about either. Yeah, big shocker, Dad was gone. I was glad in a way, because he really was done with all of this at the end and I certainly couldn't blame him. But it was sad and horrible that all he wanted was to get outside, maybe go fishing or at least drive in the hills and the fricking weather wouldn't permit it. I will never understand that.

So...more numbness. Getting one foot in front of the other, much less getting up, has been hard. Big Bit went to his Dad's shortly after the funeral and apparently has decided to unleash his very unattractive passive aggressive side for no reason on us. It's been a month since I've talked to him, other than one rather unpleasant test exchange. Gosh, 19 year olds are fun.

So...color me devastated.

But here's where it gets better.

I am glad the Packers won the Super Bowl. In the grand scheme of things, yes, this seems unimportant. But my Dad watched it. And was as excited as I was. We talked afterwards and it was so nice to share something happy right after the bad news. I also was able to get him a signed SB XVI hat by Korey Hall, the Packers player from Glenns Ferry, ID. Dad and I had a personal point of pride about Jerry Kramer. It was there for Korey as well.

I am glad that our nephew was as interactive as he was and allowed us to enjoy his company over the last months of his life; he played with his much younger cousin, showed his sweet side, and I wouldn't trade that, even with how things ended. He hadn't been that way for a long time. It was nice to see that sweet little 1 year old I met so long ago within him again.

I am glad that Big Bit was important enough not only in our nephew's life but in my cousin's son's life that he featured in these slide shows. It's been a long hard slog to make sure that he was plugged into the family. I think he still doesn't always feel like he is, but that's a universal problem. We all wonder where we belong sometimes, I think.

I am glad my Dad and Mom had me so young, as much as I'm sure that complicated their lives at the time. I wouldn't have had 44 years with my Dad, even with the ups and downs, if he hadn't been 20 when I was born.

I am glad that I finally had the light go on in my head regarding my relationship with Big Bit. The last 17 years have been rewarding, but tough. I love him. I have busted my ass and bought my attorney a Corvette trying to get him with me. I have spent thousands of dollars in plane tickets to ensure I saw him frequently. I spent thousands of dollars in child support as was my obligation, and I didn't begrudge that. I saved a full year of child support that I got and managed to come up with 1/2 the amount his Dad gave him for college. Who didn't need the money. But I digress. My point is that I have done everything, everything that I could have done. People have things they regret and probably would re-do if they could. But given how things came, I've done the best I can. I hope he knows how much I love him, and I hope he decides to be more respectful. But I can control how I react to the disrespect.

I feel strong, stronger than I have for some time. I have a wonderful husband I met 17 years ago yesterday. I have a wonderful son who I love, even when he's exasperating the hell out of my by not going to sleep as he is tonight; who will figure out how to deal with Aspergers; and I have a son with a lovely soul who I think will remember who he really is and how much I love him. I have my Mom, my family and my friends. I have people in my life who sent a beautiful flower arrangement to my Dad's funeral even though I won't meet any of them until October when I go to Green Bay - my blog family at PocketDoppler.com. Jerry Kramer has read a blog post of mine and liked it. Jerry Kramer!!!

This litany has sounded extremely depressing, I'm sure. Don't send the police, or the psychiatrist. This is a way of me letting all of this out, and apologizing to those of you to whom I seemed to fall of the face of the earth. I care about you guys. I just was trying to get through the day. That's getting better.

I am lucky. I am alive.

Even though I am devastated.

Talk Thursday - What I Learned - And Did - This Summer

Wow. I don't think I've ever gone this long without posting. It's been a wacky summer, kids. Some ways good, some ways bad, all ways more than I wanted, I think.

I've done a lot, and a lot of nothing. It depends on which week/month it was. I promise to post some pics of our trip to DC, but in the meantime, here's what I was up to this summer.

Things I Did:

Went to Reno to see Big Bit graduate. Mom, TH, Little Bit and I made the trip and my cousin the Godmother made a detour from her vacation in order to see her Godson graduate. It was a good weekend and really amazing. Big Bit asked me if I cried afterwards, to which TH responded "How many times would you like to hear about?" Too true. All I could think of was him in his little pink and blue cap laying in my arms while I said "Hi Dude, welcome to the world." It goes so damn fast.

Got hooked on Twitter. It gives the instant gratification a distracted Type A personality like me seems to require. I've had some great interactions with people there, some famous (Kelsey Grammer), some known to many (Mike Freeman, who writes for CBS Sports Online, has written several books and apparently wants to kidnap my beagle) and some known only to me. That may have been part of the reason I haven't blogged, and I know Kris has alluded to this as well...you've kind of said things you wanted to say and that takes away from the will to write. If you don't Twitter, you might like it. If you ever do and you follow me, it's really me, warts, liberal viewpoint, Packer obsession and all. You have been warned.

Went to Washington, DC. Awesome week. Did not want to go home. Could live there if I could live in the city. Have to make much more money to live in the city than I think I can. We hit about everything you could want to, including the White House and the Capitol tours (thank you Senator Crapo, I'll never vote for you but still). Met @thewino (Kris), @htphelps (Holly) and @KingMonkeyPants (James Bond), the first two being lovely ladies who blog about life (Kris) and the Packers (Holly) and now are on Twitter as well, the latter a dear friend of Kris' who is a source of absolute joy to me with his abundant humor on Twitter. I would have taken a picture of all of them, but KMP has some sort of super secret government job and I think he would have had to shoot us had he been photographed (I keed, I keed). The whole family was taken with them, to the point that when we went to National Airport (as the locals still call it) to fly home, Little Bit sadly waved out the window of the Metro and said "Bye, Monkey."

Not something I did - but - TH won the Golden Mallet tournament. AGAIN. Friend Steve was a bit apoplectic, because it's Steve's party, on Steve's birthday (this year) and he lost that damn mallet again. He'd gained it back for all of one year.

Had our annual Fourth of July BBQ so we could all troop over to the Depot and watch fireworks. Little Bit had a friend over, friends Steve and Bob brought their kids and everyone had a blast. The amount of munitions in our driveway the next day spoke for themselves.

Went to the Braun Brothers Family Reunion weekend in Challis. Never have been, always wanted to go (an old friend of TH's used to play in their band WAY back when) and finally did. I knew Muzzie and Billy's Mom and Dad when I was little and they were very sweet.

Mom organized it and we had a lot of fun. I think we'll go back next year but I will take earplugs because while I can still party, I can't stay up until 4 a.m. with the kids from LSU; or, to be honest, the nice cowboy and his wife (older than us!) from central Washington who were riding their bicycles in the dark at midnight while TH and I had a last beer and chuckled our heads off. They were very nice though and offered us breakfast the next day.

Went to Seattle for a PACKER game - Woohoo! Okay, here's the thing, Seattle contingent, including not only family but my Packer blog buddy Cuphound - we got there Friday night, ate dinner, went to bed, got up Saturday morning, ate breakfast, went into Seattle on the light rail (we stayed by the airport), had lunch with my old boss, Jenny, who we haven't seen in over a year, went to a tailgate party that I had been invited to by the Northwest Packer Backers, met another Twitter buddy @Greg_A_Bedard who writes for the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel (boy was I nervous, but he's just a nice, witty, guy who likes to write about the Packers and their crazy fans like me), went to the stadium, ate, watched the game, took the light rail back, got up, had lunch and flew home. Whew. Next time I go over there I'm going to have more time and less things booked.

Things I learned:

It sucks when your teenager really starts acting like one. It was a rough summer with Big Bit, he tended to disappear off the face of the earth once he got back from vacation with his Dad. He wanted to spend most of the summer in Reno with his friends, understandably, but he also decided that he never needed to talk to me just to let me know he was alive (much less had he done any of the things he needed to do...yeah, Mom was asking), there were a few tears and a couple of irritated conversations. If you've gotten to 18.5 years without having all this attitude, I think it surprises you even more. Thank God for my sister-in-law who provided the exact perspective I needed after one of these conversations as she had gone through the same thing - late rebellion. Now Big Bit is here, all is fine and back to a different kind of normal and he's ready to kick off Welcome Week this weekend and get in the swim of college life. I'm excited for him, but I think he might be more excited, though nervous.

Life is damn hard and I'm not as resilient as I used to be. I am grateful to have a decent job with good pay in this economy. I am glad my boss is not Sybil and her boss (and his boss) seem to like me. Still, there are many writings on the wall which say the long term prospects are not good. I'm tired of feeling underutilized and overbored. I've been working on the attitude but it's hard. (Whiner, you say? You would be right and I've said that to myself.) There is a possibility of a job on the horizon that in some ways looks promising and in some ways looks scary due to some inside info I have. I should know if I have it next week. Without divulging much, let's just say that it involves a very stable employer. And a pension. And those are very, very attractive things.

I probably don't have the patience to really learn to play piano, but God bless my friend Allen for trying to teach me.

I am technically old enough to be Aaron Rodgers' mother. Damn, that's depressing.

Our little Mario beagle has a big heart and a fierce growl. We think he may have been abused because the poor little guy recoils if you even raise your voice. Big Bit terrified him accidentally with a fly swatter of all things. But he's very dear to us already.

Little Bit has to have some testing, probably in a couple of months, because the dr. we got referred to thinks he may have borderline Asperger's. Maybe not, but maybe. And while I'm grateful that it isn't worse, because obviously things always could be, I'm struggling more than a little bit with this particular bit of news.

I'm two months from being a year older and I don't think I'm any wiser. When does that kick in, exactly?

Lastly, I found out last night that the EHFH has a tumor on his liver and has to have a biopsy next week. He's only 44. Big Bit is understandably upset and concerned (as am I, actually) so please keep EHFH and Big Bit in your thoughts and prayers. With BB starting college next week here, the timing is of course impeccable. NOT.

So, in WAY more than a nutshell, that is what's been going on. I promise to write more so as not to write a novel again. I hope you've all been well and I promise you haven't been away from my thoughts.

Epic Fail, and other updates

I have been a total sloth in my posting. I haven't "Talk Thursday"d, I haven't randomly rambled, I haven't done anything.

But, I have news to report. Today, my firstborn got an acceptance letter from the College of Idaho, the fine establishment I attended for only a semester, then was stupid enough to leave. And a scholarship. A good one. Not a great one, but one that levels the playing field with his other two options. Which means he really has OPTIONS. (Oh, and a much better one than I got when I went there.) Yeah!

And, I must admit, listening to him talk, I was suddenly sixteen again, looking at a letter and reading the words "The College of Idaho is pleased to inform you you've been accepted for admission as a freshment for the fall of 1983 semester". Or something along those lines. And knowing, suddenly, that you have a future. And options.

Folks, it's a great feeling. For both of us.

Now to see what he ends up getting from everyone. I may end up disappointed from my own selfish perspective. But I think he got some idea of what you can accomplish in life if you take college seriously. More seriously than I did, for sure.

Isn't it great, parents, when you get that just blissfully happy feeling for your children?

Just a Thought

I had a post about forgiveness and how I would be working on that. I am not posting this update to mention He Who Must Not Be Named, but rather to note the following: I can't believe a parent would be so short-sighted, stupid and uncaring of said child so as to refuse to fill out the FAFSA.

Rather than do my usual mother-bear imitation and engage in a fight with said HWMNBN, thinking that somehow I could change behaviors and "win", thus perpetuating the whole hatred thing mentioned before, I realized this was the desired reaction, didn't engage, called various schools and found out that I could indeed complete it, so I did that...problem solved, I hope.

And instead of anger, I felt pity that someone could be that selfish and short-sighted. That's progress.

Hopefully that's the last of those little encounters.

Talk Thursday - Long Time Gone

"You're a long time gone...keepin' your secrets for too long. Baby, you ain't half of what you used to be....in this dim October sky, I've got no tears left to cry...And I'm finally learning you can't be too strong....I'm a long time gone" - Gin Blossoms, Long Time Gone.

Well, since it's my topic...I'd better write on it.

I went to church Sunday, as I do most Sundays (not all, sadly, in the winter I am a sloth who has trouble rising before 9 when the sun comes up unless it involves going somewhere warm or getting paid to show up to work). As one of the ladies I work with says, I don't go to church so much because I think I have to in order to keep my faith, but I'd hate to see what kind of person I'd be if I didn't go. She said that about her, not me. I think.

I had already sent out the topic, and had some idea of what I would write about. But then it was the Women's service at the church as happens once a year. Yeah, you'd think I'd know that. But I'm not terribly involved other than showing up, worshiping and giving money. Lutherans aren't the most friendly bunch in the world, and while I really like our Pastor, who's in his early 30s and, for a Pastor, fairly liberal in his ideas, I don't fit in with his "group" who are about his age, and I don't fit in with the older people, (i.e. anyone 10 years older than me) because they just seem very comfortable with each other, and despite the fact they've seen my mug on and off for 15 years, they don't seem to interested in pursuing a conversation, and as I've mentioned before I'm shy. (note to Kristi - when Shane has a church, make darned sure you go talk to that nice lady in her early 40's who's standing off to the side and isn't quite sure how to proceed. She'll love you for it).

So, anyhoo, there I am in church, led by the ladies, and very nicely, too. Then the woman who was doing the sermon got up. And, kids, she rocked my world. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. I thought I knew at first, but now I'm not sure how to pull it off.

What I've taken from my experiences a "Long Time Gone" is that you can do something with the best of intentions and be brutally, totally, and completely punished for it. Due to my not being the primary custodial parent the majority of the time since Big Bit started school, I've had everything from people who broke off conversations upon finding out my situation to "family" members saying (though not to my face, of course) that I was probably unfit or at the very least an extremely poor mother for not being in the same town as my child. (Please note, one of these family member should be investigated by Child Protective Services, and I'm not the only person who thinks that. So I thought she had a lot of nerve. No, she doesn't read this, so it's not any of you). I had someone tell me when I announced I was pregnant "Oh (bleep)". I took this as an assumption that I would not be able to keep custody or raise a second child effectively.

In fact, I will note for the historical record, there has never been any allegation I'm unfit. I just had the cojones to stand up for myself, and to some guys, that is enough of a crime.

I knew my truth, why I did make certain decisions and not others. Certain decisions were made by "independent" third parties who at the end of the day didn't seem independent at all. I've made my peace with that part of it, as it were. I don't claim to be without blame. I have plenty and I take responsibility. But I can't stand to even hear EHFH's voice anymore.

The woman, who had also been through a bad divorce, though one with different parameters than mine, said that you have to forgive. Not for the other person, but for yourself. I've heard this before, in other times and places, but this time it really hit me. Whether you believe in Christianity or you think it's bunk, this is a precept that does make a lot of sense.

You see, Friday is Big Bit's 18th birthday. I've been going through this crap for SIXTEEN YEARS. Let me repeat: SIXTEEN years. And while when I got divorced I had no hard feelings as such towards EHFH, he has made it his mission over the last SIXTEEN years to make my life a living hell whenever possible. His actions have pretty much made what affection remained morph into something pretty close to hatred. And while he hasn't always succeeded in his quest, he's succeeded enough to make me more than regret giving him that power. If you add in our married and divorced time, it's coming up on 25 years. That's a lifetime.

So I resolve to forgive on Sunday night. And I'm feeling very "Christlike in my love and forgiveness" to paraphrase the Church (not my Church but "the one true Church"). Then Big Bit calls me last night to talk to me about his FAFSA that has to be filed so he can get qualified for his scholarships, private grants, etc. He and his father are yelling at each other. Not screaming, but yelling pretty loud. I flashback to being afraid, with a two year old in a diaper in my arms, backing up towards a refrigerator, with a very enraged man in my face. I tell Big Bit that I have to get off the phone.

"Call me when you're done". I know it's not serious, honestly. I know they're just both mad, not violent in any way. Big Bit is 6 foot tall and at least 185 lbs. But it gives me the heebie jeebies.

Then, when Big Bit calls back, and I explain that I couldn't stay on the phone because it was creeping me out, he has the raw nerve to say "You aren't good with confrontation".

Oh, I'm good with confrontation, son. I held you in my arms ready to defend you to the end with your dad screaming in our faces. I'm glad you don't remember. I confronted 12 hours of labor only to go through major surgery to have you. And I'm glad I did. I bought my lawyer a freakin' Corvette to try and keep you with me. I'm just not good with screaming.

It's obviously hard to forgive. But it's a long time gone, and I'm tired of secrets. And yelling. It is time to forgive. Wish me good luck, I'm going to need it.

Other than posting pics of Big Bit's graduation which may include pictures of him, this is the last time I will mention that man, forgiveness or no. It's time for that as well.

Kicks

It's been a long couple of weeks, dear readers. TH is doing well with his face, he can smile and everything, but his "job" has proven to be somewhat rocky (not in the sense of having one, but in the clarity of what having one means) as has mine. Anyone who lives in the greater Boise area may have heard my illustrious employer is moving their divisional headquarters (um, where I work) to Denver.

No, I'm not moving to Denver. I like Denver, lots, but I came home to be home. No, I don't know that this means I have to move to Denver. Or would need to in order to keep my job.

But, I will say, any stupid guy from Australia who happens to be a CEO with a location in Boise who doesn't LIKE Boise, thus feeling the need to change things doesn't have his head on straight.

That's all I'm saying, other than I really don't think things are as drastic as the local media painted them and I knew coming in that the worst could happen, but I wanted to come home. I do not want to be Dooced. So if you want to ask where I work, ask via e-mail.

So, because I needed some stability today, I found this video. Paul Revere and the Raiders have been an essential part of my life. My parents went to see them at the Armory in Twin Falls when they were dating. I was lucky enough to dance at Mr. Revere's club he had in Reno when EHFH and I were married and see him play, but got to meet him later when he played in the casino town in which my Mother was the Postmaster.

I relate the following simply because I'm sure he wanted to kill me. I paraphrase, but only a little.

Paul Revere (PR): Hey, how are you?

Me: Fine, it's very nice to meet you.

PR: Are you from around here? (or it may have been, how does a whippersnapper like you know who I am?)

Me: Yes. I grew up in Twin Falls. My parents used to go dance to your music when they were dating!

PR: Wow. Thanks.

(Me: Didn't get I just made him feel 100 years old. I got it later, um a few hours later, and I wanted to kick myself, because he really is a nice guy).

I now present to you two of the hottest guys who made it out of the state of Idaho - Mark Lindsay and Paul Revere. And these other guys that I think are from Idaho but I can't be firmly sure on that.

And yes, this all reminds me of "That Thing You Do". I think Mark is the guy who they say "sorry girls, he's engaged!" He just has that look about him, doesn't he?

My Family is Vandal Nation

Except for Steve and I, the lepers, pretty much everyone in our family who went to college (I think), if they went past junior college, went to University of Idaho. This includes aunts, uncles and cousins. Oh, I guess Uncle Truman went to Boise Junior College as well (evil chuckle).

Today I got a call from Cousin Vern, who is the most Vandally Vandal of them all. I remember most of the night we stayed at his house in Moscow when he was at college and had his (usual) pre-football game party. I gave up and went to bed, but TH kept up with the (much) younger boys, because he is a Vandal too and he couldn't let those young whippersnappers pass him up.

I could watch Nevada vs. Idaho the next day without a pounding headache. Don't think that was true of the other male members of my family.

Anyhow, Cousin Vern is coming to town, in order to (and I paraphrase) "Drink beer and tailgate and sh--." It will be very good to see him.

Now, I must find the number of the bail bondsman.

That is all.

The Speech

Okay, my political leanings aren't much of a secret. And I think that's okay. But, I really relate the following because I was so proud of Little Bit that I wanted to burst.

Mom: "Sweetie, did you watch the President's speech today in school?"

Little Bit: "Yes, Mom, we watched it during Music class."

Mom: "What did you think?" (secretly thinking he'd shrug his shoulders and say "whatever")

LB: "It was very interesting, Mom. Even the President, when he was little, felt alone and lonely at school, just like me, but he grew up to be President."

Mom: "Do you feel like that any more? Alone and lonely?"

LB: "Not here, Mom. I feel good here. And I liked that speech."

Awesome.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

I have been a bad, pathetic, blogger this summer. I don't have much to blame it on per se - Big Bit has been here (but he's 17 and doesn't always want ol' Mom around), Little Bit has been enjoying his first summer vacation ever (but he's 10 and pretty self sufficient, not to mention going to Just For Kids three days a week), Mom moved up which has been fun (but as Big Bit says, it seems like cousin Danny sees her way more than we do), I haven't golfed, I camped exactly once -last weekend - I went on vacation for one week - I went to Alive After 5 a lot - I rode bikes and walked some but that damned plantar fascitis has really cut into my resolution to get fit and healthy. I listened to a lot of jazz at Hotel 43. I saw Curtis Stigers sitting at a table right by me in Bar Gernika. Yes, he is that cute. If you don't know who he is, he's an Idaho treasure and you should check him out.

What else have I been doing? Maybe if I show enough, I will be off the hook for being a bad friend (in some ways) and family member (in other ways). Or maybe not.

We went to Kevin and Sam's wedding. Kevin is my cousin Danny's son. I don't know Danny or any of his family really well, but I love Danny to bits. He was out of touch with our family for many years due to his mom's divorce from my maternal uncle but resurfaced relatively recently and has established contact with us - my Mom and Aunt in particular. I wish we were closer. Kevin is a great guy and his wedding was really neat. Laid back and really of the essence of him from what I know.

Kevin's sister, Kelli, looks exactly like my cousin Connie who died when I was very small (3?). I remember her vividly because she was simply beautiful and always had these beautifully manicured hands (in my recollection). Plus she really seemed to like me, and for a teenager to really be delighted in me seemed unusual. The first time I saw Kelli was at HER wedding a few years ago and my heart literally caught in my throat. It still does when I see her because I've just never seen that kind of likeness. I always hoped Big Bit would look like his namesake, another cousin of mine, but except for a really pissy impish look he gets when he wants to be cute I haven't seen it.



Another wedding - (boy, with my father in law's escapades it's been a real summer of weddings - Little Bit kept saying "ANOTHER wedding?"). This one was really special though and to Little Bit as well as the rest of us. Our friend R's daughter got married. S was Little Bit's babysitter from when he was 8 weeks old until really just before we moved to Utah (so we could go out on date night) - she was I think almost 13 when she started. She watched Big Bit as well, though we usually spent all of our time with him when he was at our house. Little Bit loved her from day one. When he was two, he'd wander through the house saying shrieking her name at the top of his lungs, so excited was he that she was coming to play with him. She handled him like an expert. He has her senior picture on his bulletin board to this day.



In addition, I got to see my old boss from the Mothership (the Boise one, not SYBIL, for heaven's sake). I love Jenny, I didn't get any pictures of her, but her daughter, another graduate of the University of S babysitting service came to the wedding with her Mom and we got a picture for S to remember her former charges. I also got to have dinner with Jenny the following night and therefore got to enjoy her company and uplifting faith in me. I have the same faith in Jenny. We're neither of us perfect by any means, but we do have faith in each other's possibilities. That is a rare thing.




Little Bit took swimming lessons. He hadn't been to Wings for a few years, and we could never find a place in Utah for him to take lessons, so it was good for him to refresh his knowledge and learn to tread water. He did well and listened so good to the instructor! It's amazing what a few years and some meds have done for his attention span.



Big Bit got his senior photos taken...sigh. I can't post any of them due to copyright issues but you may get to see some of them in an announcement or here if I can get that part resolved. Ouch, said my wallet, but they turned out beautifully. In the meantime, here's "Diddy" in a self portrait. He looks stinkin' grown up and I feel stinkin' old. He got to go to Japan this summer which was a good thing for him. The good thing for me was when he sent an e-mail lamenting we couldn't talk on the phone (he didn't want to take a phone card because his friends weren't calling home) and he wanted to vent about something. And he missed me. It's nice to be needed, isn't it?





We went on vacation on the coast of Oregon with our friends the Hydes. We hadn't gotten to spend this much time with them in eons and it was fun - I think we all enjoyed it enough we'd do it again, eh?

The boys enjoyed the house.



Little Bit and his friend K Hyde had a lot of fun together. One of my favorite photos of them, I think then age 6 and 5 was at the Seattle Aquarium. This one's at the Newport Aquarium and it is very cute as well.



I think there's a picture of us all together - but it's not on my camera - please share Ms. Hyde?

On this trip I also met Cele! We met in the blogosphere a while back and I was excited to meet her, and as an added bonus we also met her husband, Ducky (he is just Ducky too). We all liked meeting Cele and Ducky, though as usual I was somewhat shy at first meeting. Big Bit mentioned just the other day how much he liked Cele. He, too, is somewhat shy at first meeting but we like the same kinds of people generally speaking. Other than the fact she likes the BSU football team for some reason, I thought she was simply awesome.

We went to Shakespeare with Steve, too, and I have a picture of the asshat we sat behind to prove it. (Actually, we went to Shakespeare five times, but once was with Steve, the only time we sat by an asshat...hm....). Since I think it's on my cell phone camera, and since you really don't want to see a picture of him anyway, trust me, with his beer bottles lying everywhere and taking up an acre of ground...but I may add it later. It's the great Idaho land grab, as Steve says. A Shakespearean tradition.

We went to Kaikoa's birthday party. He is Kelli's son, who just turned one, and he is a true Hawaiian (his dad is from Hawaii) - laid back, he all but exudes island charm. He's a cutie.

Now, Big Bit has jetted off to Nevada to start his senior year, we meet Little Bit's teacher tomorrow night and I have as yet not done so, so many things I wanted to do, including keeping in better touch. I'm about to embark on the attempted conquest of a variety of self-improvement projects, much as Little Bit embarks on a conquest of Fifth Grade as Big Bit gets ready to conquer the world. It's time to kick butt and take names, kids. Wish me luck.

The Men In My Family

So, I was watching TV (i.e. flipping channels) just now and saw Mac Davis singing a 70's song. It made me think of THIS song, which I affectionately dedicate to my father and my uncle Truman - the people who originally introduced me to this tune. (They were damn funny singing it around the campfire, too).

Love you guys.

I Have An Excuse

I'm on vacation. That's why I haven't blogged. Um, well, except that I just started vacation yesterday and it's been about two weeks since last post. However, as one of my coworkers and I discussed last week (she, too, is off this week), there has been serious vacationitis going on for us for two weeks.

We're going to Oregon with our good friends the Hydes - and, all things coming together and the creek don't rise, I'll get to meet Cele! Hoping to connect with cousin Kristi as well.

But mostly, I'm just going to sit - in a hot tub, in a beach chair in a restaurant booth, with a book or without one and just BE. I never took a break between jobs and although London was wonderful, that sort of trip isn't relaxing. It just can't be done in six days and have any relaxation associated with it! So I'm really looking forward to just being for a while.

Have a great week!

It's 3 a.m., I must be lonely

Well, 3:44, to be precise, but I had to steal a line from Matchbox Twenty.

If I'm lonely, it's because people aren't supposed to be up at 3 a.m. coughing their lungs out and wishing that Claritin D suddenly came in a new SUPERSIZE edition.

This allergy season has been hell on wheels. I'm afflicted with allergies, but usually with the exception of a week or so in the spring and fall, I'm not overcome. I am this time. I am wondering what is planted in our beautiful yard that I am deathly allergic to. Perhaps God is playing some sort of sick joke on me ("You love this house, but it doesn't love YOU"). Just kidding, but this is really whack, as Whitney Houston would say about crack.

The lack of posting in the last week was due to a) getting ready for the trip and b) being on the trip. I have some pics of Lake Tahoe and my obsession, I just have to quit coughing long enough to download them. And try to be awake enough to go to work tomorrow...I mean today.

All is well, Big Bit looks wonderful and well, of course Rick Springfield did too. Now, if only Heather would see him in the airport again to complete my happy weekend. However, since she's either about to give birth or already has, I'm sure this time Rick was on his own. Especially since he wasn't within 400 miles of Salt Lake City. Neither was I. Bliss.

I'm a Survivor

I'm glad it's my off Monday and I don't have anything pressing to do beyond putting in the garden (already 1/2 done) and general housecleaning. We've been pushing so hard getting the house ready for the party last weekend - which I totally FAILED to take pictures of and then this weekend we had another event we had to attend. Yes, I said had to because I think that's how we all felt. Except for Big Bit, who was anticipating a train wreck of family dysfunction in epic proportions. He didn't get it though, everyone was very well behaved.



Let me back up a little bit. I had mentioned a while back that there was something I wasn't too thrilled about and that my opinion might come out on Facebook. That thing was my father in law's pending nuptials. He doesn't read this blog, well, none of TH's family does and that's the way I like it for now. Not that I talk about them, until now anyway.


My mother in law died while we lived in hell, I mean Utah, right before I started this blog. I loved her. She was the BEST mother in law you could ask for (and trust me, the first one I had was the WORST one, so I know what I'm talking about). She was patient, supportive and a great mother and wife and a terrific grandmother. She had opinions, and could voice them with a little biting wit on occasion but usually she just kept her opinion to herself. Actually, she reminded me of my grandmother. I hope they've met by now, they'd get along famously.


So, anyhow, a few months later, TH's dad's best friend died. I loved him. He was a physician, witty, charming, and boy could he flirt! Not in a bad way, but in that fun way when you're talking with someone who really appreciates women and has a great sense of humor. His family was Old Idaho, like mine (only with a lot more money!), in fact his first cousin was the late Senator Frank Church. He was quite a bit older than TH's dad and his health hadn't been good for a while. I'm sure he's charming all the women in heaven now.


As often happens, the widow and widower got together and that, honestly, wouldn't be a problem - except I've never, ever liked her. I just didn't. She was okay, I could deal with her, but if it hadn't been for how much I liked her husband, I would have avoided her as much as possible. I knew TH wasn't thrilled, and he's known her since he was, oh, around 10 years old but I figured that was natural, while my reaction was odd. Surely, I thought, I was the only one that felt this way. Then I had some back and forth with my niece on Facebook wherein she indicated she, too, was not happy. In fact, she conveniently had a reason not to come to the wedding. Hm...



The ceremony took place. TH had to BUY a suit, the first one in his life, for this event. That smacked of fancy, and fancy isn't something that TH is, though he can pull it off, as you'll see. Pretty soon, the more that we heard, fancy started smacking of pretentious. Pretentious isn't something either one of us do well at ALL. It's the reason I will never rise higher in my career than my current level. And I'm okay with that. I'm also okay with the fact I successfully avoided the bachelorette party with lingerie and other things that I won't mention since my aunt reads this blog and she'd wash my mouth out with soap. It's kind of like going to a bachelor/ette party for your parents. Ew.



I did take the opportunity to get a family picture. Everybody looks good, I have to say Big Bit is getting to be a fine looking man. Wah.





My mom had been around TH's parents a lot, and has had a good relationship with his Dad, so she of course had been invited. She wasn't thrilled either, though I think she says she couldn't remember having met the fiancee until last weekend (did I mention the bride to be wore a GOLD JACKET AND TIGHT PANTS TO OUR PARTY? I HAVE WITNESSES). I guess she's heard me complain enough. Thanks Mom.

So, off we went to the ceremony and while I knew TH was distracted, I had no idea how bad he was until we came down the hill into Horsehoe Bend...which was NOT where the wedding was. It was in Emmett. He forgot how to get there. Please note, the physician I spoke of was TH's doctor, who lived in Emmett, and he used to go there anytime something was up that required a doctor visit, not to mention the fact they used him as informal tech support for their office. I've been there approximately twice since my freshman year of college when I had a friend who lived there. So I didn't really think about where we were going. Thankfully, there is a road from Horsehoe Bend to Emmett that isn't too long. We got to the site about 15 minutes before the wedding was to start instead of an hour, as planned. Oh well.

TH and his brother in law were best man and groomsman, respectively. We hadn't seen him and TH's sister in over two years. Things got very disjointed and weird once Mama Sue wasn't around. TH and his sister aren't close, mostly because they have very different interests in life but they do love each other. I was surprised at how happy I was to see them. That is a good sign. It was also a good sign when she pointed at the punch bowl and told me, "I have the non-alcoholic drinks" and burst out laughing (unusual for her) when I responded "Today, I HAVE to drink" as I headed for the wine. I think she would have been drinking, if she ever had done so. Hm. Maybe I'm not the only one, I thought.

As I said, TH can pull off fancy. He looked awesome. Thankfully Big Bit was around to tie his necktie for him, because I sure don't know how and obviously neither does he!

TH's grandfather and aunt had come out from Arkansas for the wedding. They are his mom's side of the family, so I was thinking this must mark a sign of approval from them. Based on the conversation TH had with his aunt yesterday - not so much. More proof I'm not alone. Unfortunately, we didn't get pictures of them at the wedding (Big Bit was distracted too) but they're coming over to the house before they head back so I will get some. They are just the nicest people ever.

I will not comment on the following photos. You, dear reader, certainly can though if you wish. I won't repeat what friend Allen said on Facebook. Let me just note it was faboo. Steve muttered something unprintable. Actually it was printable because he said "bleep" instead of the bad word, but I forget exactly what his utterance was.

TH's cousins and their spouses also came and though I've only met them a few times, it was nice to visit with them too, although sadly, they told us that TH's uncle (his Dad's older brother) is nearing the end of his battle with pancreatic cancer. Uncle Al is a great guy, his birthday is a few days before Little Bit's in December and he gave us great advice on how to deal with a birthday so close to Christmas when I was pregnant. He's also fun to golf with. They live in Arizona now, so we haven't seen him or Aunt Gloria for a while but I think of them often.

So, anyway, it all went down, it's over, and now we can go back to being ignored by the happy couple, which, as it turns out from all of the family feedback (we'd never asked before because we were sure we were the only ones who weren't happy) is pretty much what's happening to all of us. It's too damn bad for Grandpa, but there you are. His problem, not ours. Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Life is Interesting

Life is interesting, as we all know. Sometimes in good ways, sometimes in not.



Good ways:

• We had a great housewarming party, lots of family and friends including Ben & Yvette who got the prize for farthest traveled - from Utah Valley, as a matter of fact. Good to see them and I'm so glad you guys liked Boise!


• There's only two weeks of school left. I'm looking forward to a summer that really IS a summer with Little Bit. He's always attended year-round schools and there is nothing harder than explaining to a little boy why it's 90 degrees out and sunny and he has to go to BED instead of playing in the sprinkler, or what-not.


• I've decided to adopt a new life-style. I refuse to call it a diet, so that way it stays on the good side of the list.


• Big Bit will be here Friday for the weekend. Yay!


• Last but certainly not least, Dad had surgery Tuesday to take care of the thing that was causing his staph infection. He is home and doing as well as he can be. Big prayers that the infection will GO and he can get all the way better. Finally.

Bad ways:

• There are still boxes in my garage and I can't park in it. Sigh.


• It's cloudy and kind of yucky today. I WANT SPRING OVER. NOW.


• While I desperately try to get organized at work, a wave of disorganization is working against me. That is all I can say.


• The Husband has to wear the following this weekend. Don't ask. It will all be explained later this weekend in another post, if only cryptically.

Just Call Me "Lucky"

I don't feel lucky right now...nope, I don't.

My beloved grandmother passed away this week. She was 91 years old. As I said to my dad, I get that she was "old". I know she had a lot of health issues. But I wasn't ready for her to go. She was.

I get that. She missed my grandfather, who passed on several years ago, immensely. They had that marriage where you go "Oh, I get it, this is how it's supposed to work" even though they weren't terribly demonstrative with each other. They were, however, very cute together. He would tease her and she would laugh.

She hadn't felt well for a long time. She'd had some falls and some broken bones that any of us would have probably just given up over. She didn't, until now.

I, of all of her grandchildren, was one of the luckiest (and yes I'll argue with y'all about this). I lived next door to my grandmother for several years. Because of that, I spent a lot of time with her, from the time I was a toddler. She watched me while my parents worked, she taught me to read at age 3, she's the reason I graduated from high school when I was 16 - because when I got to school, I was already through first grade. She had been a teacher prior to her marriage, having graduated from teacher's college and then taught, met my grandfather, got married and kept teaching - just in a different way.

She was a generous, loving, Christian woman, really the best example of such a person. When my great-aunt died suddenly shortly after giving birth to her third child, she took on the care for the newborn son and raised him to adulthood, as well as caring for his older brother and sister in varying ways at varying times. They were always my aunt and uncles and there were no differences to her (and therefore to anyone else) between them and the children she gave birth to herself. She loved to read, she loved her family, she had a bit of a temper (strawberry blond hair wasn't there for nothing!) that she kept firmly in check 99.9% of the time, and I was incredibly lucky to have had her in my life. And I miss her.

Dilemma...or, I've done it to myself again

I started Facebooking a couple of weeks ago (as most of you know, since most of you are my family and you're about the only people who speak to me. Kidding.)

I've connected with Cele there as well as here, and family, some friends from the old Mothership as well as my beloved niece (well, The Husband's niece but I claim her too), who due to some rather undefined family strains (not between her and us) we haven't seen in a couple of years and have only talked to on the phone a couple of times.



And now, the dilemma. Someone's found me through Facebook. It's someone who at another time in my life I'd have be delighted to accept as a friend, if our situation and relationship was as I would imagine it would be. This person isn't family, in the sense that we're blood related and it isn't any of YOU, because you're reading this blog so I've had a relationship with you in some way or another (even if it's only via Internet). This person has made it clear we're certainly not friends, in a really passive aggressive way, for a lot of years now but due to circumstances we had to be in the same place at the same time for years but not lately.

It may open up my true opinion on some things to this person and then I might get TH in trouble with his family because I might reveal how he feels about certain things that he would share with this person if he felt so inclined. But he doesn't. And it's not my place to share it with anyone (other than I do vent to my sainted mother).

So, I guess I'm going to accept this person as a friend, be myself and see what happens. Maybe, ultimately, some fences will be mended. My opinions may creep out. If it does, I'm ready to stand by my right to have opinions. In this respect, I have nothing to be but myself.

If you're on Facebook with me and you figure out who I'm writing about, please keep it off that forum. The person in question obviously does not read my blog.

Rant over.

And Now For a More Serious Message

I'm feeling kind of melancholy. I think it was brought on by going to this college for a campus visit with Big Bit yesterday. He seemed to like it, and the fact we were there on a campus visit was probably enough to inspire melancholy.

I went to this fine institution my first semester of college, but I was socially inept at 16 (I know, I know, I was 16, what did I expect?) and when the first set of friends I made didn't work out, I didn't know how to go make new ones. They were a close knit bunch, it's a very small college and I hadn't met enough people in classes to make new friends easily, plus I lived off campus so I didn't know as many people as I might have otherwise. I left at semester and headed back to my hometown and to the junior college there, where I ended up meeting the EHFH and...there you go.

So it was weird to be strolling around that campus yesterday for the first time in, oh, about 25 years (have I mentioned lately that I'm old?) and remembering how excited I was to be there and how stupid I was to leave. How the last time I remember walking into that cafeteria was to tell a guy I'd gone to junior high with that his good friend (my cousin, who Big Bit is named for) had died the previous night. Some of the buildings looked much different. Unfortunately that one didn't look different enough. I could still see him sitting there and the look on his face when I told him the news as I surveyed that room.

Life goes how it goes, and as Frank Sinatra says "I did it My Way" so I don't have a lot to complain about - I was a smart kid who made some dumb choices along the way, no one made them for me. Sometimes I forget to give myself credit for overcoming those bad decisions to live in a house I like, in a town I love, with a husband and two sons who love me, even if I could be or have been a better wife and mother along the way.

Okay, enough heavy thoughts. I don't get like this often, thankfully. For you, dear readers, as well as myself.

Friday Roundup

Let's see...what's going on around here....

• We have finally set a date for our housewarming - May 9. That is way too close if you look at what we still have to do, but I figure it will make us get it done. Invitations are coming soon (Yvette, here comes that chance to see Boise!)
• Our old employer, the "Mothership" as I used to call it, seems to be in real trouble if you look at their NON-earnings announcement this week. I'm hoping and praying they can pull out of the death spiral but I am really worried for all of our good friends that still depend on it for their livlihood, both here and in Utah. I saw the CEO the other night (while enjoying a great glass of wine and great jazz here) and it really took everything I had not to go scream at him for screwing up a really fine company and good employer for many thousands of people. Yes, for those of you in Idaho or around, you know exactly who I'm talking about. I think I'm going to sell the stock I bought for $45 while I can still get $3 out of it. Sigh.


• TH and I got to see Tom & Joe aka "The Fool Squad" last night at the Fettucine Forum which is something Boise State has periodically for free. The Rose Room, a huge room where they have wedding receptions, huge parties etc. was PACKED. The boys were their usual sparkling, funny selves with lots of Tom Luna (Superintendent of Education for Idaho who seems hell bent on screwing our schools as badly as possible) and Butch Otter (Governer of Idaho, ditto) jokes. I heart them.

• It looks like my Mom is moving to Boise! She has been here all week and found a place she likes, and has made an offer on it. She won't be moving for a couple of months, but unless something totally unravels, she will be near us very soon. It will be nice to have her closer, I hope she likes living here as much as we do. And, no, I didn't talk her into it. The Bits, and Little Bit in particular, are very excited about this development.
• Speaking of Little Bit, he won a pizza party for selling the most cookie dough and magazine subscriptions in his class for the PTO fundraiser. And he only sold $91 (well, I did, anyway at work). That is both cool for him and sad to note for his school. It's in the poorest area in Boise and money is quite dear to most of the parents and families. It makes me feel fortunate indeed.
• I am sick to death of clouds, rain, and snow. Come on spring, get your happy humps over here to Idaho!
• Jay Cutler got traded to the Chicago Bears. Ha. Haha. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Whew.
• Big Bit has a DATE to the PROM. *Sob**Sniff*
• My Grandmother, who hasn't been doing well, appears to be doing much better. I don't care if she's 91, she's still my Grandma and I still need a Grandma, so she'd better stick around!
• The Idaho Steelheads made the playoffs. Yay!

I think that is a pretty good roundup of developments. Have a good weekend!

Random Monday Thoughts

Bob Geldof wrote a good song (one of only two good songs I think he ever wrote) called "I Don't Like Mondays". Well said, my man, well said. I hate them (the ones I have to work, anyway, I get every other one off and those are GREAT days).

• The Wolf Pack lost Saturday night, and while they looked brilliant in stretches, they are a very young team who was overmatched by Utah State. Note to ESPN2 announcers for future reference: I DO NOT CARE IF A PLAYER ON A UTAH STATE TEAM IS A RETURNED MISSIONARY WHO TURNED HIS LIFE AROUND BY RETURNING TO THE CHURCH. Mentioning it once - I guess okay. Mentioning it FIVE HUNDRED TIMES - Not Acceptable! Plus, the guy is 26 years old - I have a huge problem with the advantage that gives teams. It's definitely one of the reasons that Utah and BYU have successful football programs. The two best players on Nevada's team are freshmen, and I believe that in a couple of years, the Pack may return to its not so long ago Sweet Sixteen form.
• Cousin Steve DOES still exist, is NOT married or engaged and DOES have a blog. Like most little brothers, if you torment him long enough, you get the desired reaction, in this case, contact. I've updated my "Steve Magnum" link for those of you that would find a picture of a half-naked Sylvester Stallone interesting. Personally, I still think he's old. Sylvester Stallone, not Steve. Though he isn't getting any younger either. (Yes, Steve's blogging about a movie, it's not that kind of site). Looking forward to more posts from this recent convert to the blog world. I am so tired of a) rain; b) clouds and c) snow. I want spring, and I want it now!!
• I want the necessary work on our house to be finished. TH is putting a tub enclosure in our upstairs bathroom so it will have a shower and I want it done already. The blessing is that he found a job so fast when we moved, the curse is that all of this improvement stuff is taking forever unless I hire Cousin Shawn to do it and we are only so flush with cash.
• The Idaho state legislature needs to pull their heads out of their patooties and start doing what's right, instead of what's Red. The two don't always coincide, though sometimes, of course, they do.

I think those are all of the random thoughts I have right now. Hope everyone has a good week!

Cousins

Update: Thanks to Yvette, I added an important element to this post!

Cousins, I've got cousins...when both parents have lots of siblings or cousins who are just like siblings (in my dad's case, both), you get a lot of cousins. If you're an only child, this is a big boon as you still have instant playmates, maybe not always the moment you wake up in the morning, but often, and because you're family they have to tolerate you, just like a sibling. If you're lucky, they feel the same way about you when you all grow up, just like siblings.

So, since I've been thinking about cousins...

Cousin D had another little girl, so now Bryn and Arrow have a little sister. Yes, dogs can have little sisters. So there. Congrats to Cousin D, Kurt, Bryn and Arrow. I now have no pregnant cousins (of which I am aware). It's been a long time since I could say that!

Cousin Shawn has been working on our house and it's been fun to have him around, plus it's nice to have someone do work for you that you can trust implicitly, both with your stuff and that the work will be done well. Cousin D and Cousin Shawn were my flower girl and ring bearer at my first wedding, but I don't in any way hold them responsible for the drama and threats of incrimination that ultimately resulted from that disaster. For those, I hold my maid of honor responsible since she shoved me out the door when I turned to her and said "I've changed my mind, I don't want to do this."


Cousin Steve SAID he was working on a blog. I've still not seen any proof. Perhaps I'm in the doghouse. He never writes...he never calls...just like a typical little brother, I guess. Geez, even Kristi manages to blog a little with a two week old!

Oh, and I wouldn't mind seeing some updated photos of Mr. Thomas Wayne.

Okay, now that's off my chest, back to my regularly scheduled rants.