Cele invited me to be part of Talk Thursday. I've followed this for a while - a topic is suggested by one of the contributors and then everyone writes on this subject (am I missing anything Cele?).
I've found the entries really enlightening. I'm a bit hesitant here because, well, sometimes things get disclosed in the contributions, as I've seen. But here goes and we'll see how I go with this. At any rate I thank Cele for the invite.
I'm somewhat of a believer in something of a life altering truth - epiphanies. I've had a few in my life and they honestly have always led me to the better, or to the worse if I've ignored them. I haven't had one in a while but I'll never turn one down. I can always use some guidance. I prefer to think of it as Divine Guidance but you can call it what you will.
I think maybe the first life altering truth I had is when I realized I didn't want to be married anymore. Let me be clear - when I got married I meant to be always. Most everyone does. However, most everyone, hell, anyone, shouldn't be 18 when they get married.
I don't think I got married for the "right" reasons because I was too young to know what the "right" reasons felt like. I was shy, skinny, had a "prominent" nose as my friend Karee used to say and when a guy who seemed to have a sparkling personality, athletic grace and a propensity to like me came along, I jumped. I was already engaged to a wonderful guy who did not deserve me (and I mean that in the best way, he would have been miserable). What the hell was I thinking that I was ready to make such decisions? But EHFH's confidence was irresistible and he reminded me of my high school boyfriend James (of the infamous Facebook incident) who, as I look back on it now, treated me as if I didn't deserve him (in the worst possible way) and I just put up with it. For a few years, actually.
If you looked at me from the outside, you would have said I was a damn lucky kid (and you would have been right). Brand new car as an 18th birthday present, okay grades, some good friends, size 3 jeans (I KNOW!) and a pretty bright future. But I still felt awkward and like I didn't fit in. EHFH seemed to save me from all that because he promised in some odd way that I "belonged".
My friend Renee has a daughter who got married a little later than I did in life, but not much, and she, like me had an agenda: get married. finish college. have a baby once financially able to support baby. have another baby two years later. have a nice big house...blah, blah, blah. (Actually, her daughter is much less shallow than I think I was at that age and has accomplished most of these things anyway). But for anyone to think life can be planned out is nonsensical. You can try, but you aren't in control of anything, really.
After the "first" baby, certain things became painfully clear. Eighteen year olds, really, are all very, very much alike. Twenty-six year olds are not. For the first time in my life I saw my full potential not just as a mother and a wife to someone who considered me an equal partner but in my career, life choices and so on as well. And I knew I needed more. And yes, I deserved more. It may sound selfish, but I really don't look at it that way. It would have been very selfish to the EHFH and to Big Bit to remain in a relationship that had become untenable. It probably would have destroyed me ultimately as well.
I won't go into detail on what precipitated the epiphany, because I'm not especially proud of all aspects of my behavior, but let me state clearly that once I had that epiphany I moved quickly to do the right thing, and let both of us try to get to what we really wanted in life and provide Big Bit a more stable environment. For this, in many ways, I've been punished financially, emotionally and socially. I am proud of the fact that Big Bit has been with us a lot, in fact lived with us for a while and that I've been an effective parent to him. We have a bond that I am not sure would be any stronger if he'd never left my roof.
But I stand by my decision, and for me, the life altering truth is this - as Andie MacDowell said in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" - "As John Lennon said, who died the same year as my father, All You Need is Love."
Real, mature love. Some people who marry as teenagers or barely over can make this transition. Many, many can not. And I still think I made the right decision. My divorce/custody attorney said to me, after we didn't get custody of Big Bit when he started school - "Tell me this, would you rather still be married to him?"
No contest, Steve. You may have not proven to be a great attorney, but at that moment, when I was at an all time low, you gave me another life altering truth. And I would need it going forward.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
My Family is Vandal Nation
Except for Steve and I, the lepers, pretty much everyone in our family who went to college (I think), if they went past junior college, went to University of Idaho. This includes aunts, uncles and cousins. Oh, I guess Uncle Truman went to Boise Junior College as well (evil chuckle).
Today I got a call from Cousin Vern, who is the most Vandally Vandal of them all. I remember most of the night we stayed at his house in Moscow when he was at college and had his (usual) pre-football game party. I gave up and went to bed, but TH kept up with the (much) younger boys, because he is a Vandal too and he couldn't let those young whippersnappers pass him up.
I could watch Nevada vs. Idaho the next day without a pounding headache. Don't think that was true of the other male members of my family.
Anyhow, Cousin Vern is coming to town, in order to (and I paraphrase) "Drink beer and tailgate and sh--." It will be very good to see him.
Now, I must find the number of the bail bondsman.
That is all.
Today I got a call from Cousin Vern, who is the most Vandally Vandal of them all. I remember most of the night we stayed at his house in Moscow when he was at college and had his (usual) pre-football game party. I gave up and went to bed, but TH kept up with the (much) younger boys, because he is a Vandal too and he couldn't let those young whippersnappers pass him up.
I could watch Nevada vs. Idaho the next day without a pounding headache. Don't think that was true of the other male members of my family.
Anyhow, Cousin Vern is coming to town, in order to (and I paraphrase) "Drink beer and tailgate and sh--." It will be very good to see him.
Now, I must find the number of the bail bondsman.
That is all.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
100 things
I'm 11 days late and a dollar short, but I'm giving it a try.
1) The first guy I kissed outside of family was Jeff Sirrine in 3rd grade.
2) I love the Green Bay Packers (duh). My father imprinted it on me and now he's trying to renige! No fair!
3) I hate the Denver Broncos (sorry, I'm sports themed right now it will change).
4) I wish I'd gone to the University of Idaho.
5) For some strange reason, I like my alma mater. I guess it's because I made it out with a sheepskin.
6) My left foot is longer than my right foot. Blame my grandmother, I do.
7) I was supposed to be a boy.
8) I met Waylon Jennings three times. And Jessie. And Shooter (who's Drea deMatteo's baby daddy).
9) I love beagles.
10) I love Siamese cats.
11) I secretly wonder if I'm related to Princess Diana. (there's a long shot on it.)
12) I'm really glad I had two kids. I hated being an only child (most of the time).
13) I loved David Cassidy at age 3. I wonder about myself.
14) I looked so much like a boy when I was 6 people mistook me for one.
15) I hated living in Utah.
16) I felt bad that I hated living in Utah based on the fact it was my idea and I talked my family into it.
17) I tried to run away and get married before I actually did to the EHFH. Elko doesn't have wedding chapels which was a sign I ignored.
18) I wanted to major in range management at Idaho but I was scared of the math.
19) I kill house plants inadvertently.
20) I got made fun of as a child by my older cousins because I knew big words. I was perversely proud of that for some reason. Perversely is a big word.
21) I skipped first grade.
22) I hate the Grateful Dead.
23) I am clumsy as hell.
24) I was a cheerleader my senior year (see above, it must not have been a popularity contest - nope, it wasn't. But at least I knew who had the damn ball in football games.)
25) I like to mow the lawn (I'm sure you're all bored by now, it's all downhill from here)!
26) Halloween is my favorite holiday. (Closely followed by Christmas).
27) Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday (family tragedy years ago, will never go away).
28) I am secretly irritated my sons did not inherit my or my father's blue eyes.
29) I didn't get baptized until I was (I think) 21.
30) I wore size 0 jeans when I graduated from high school. If only now.
31) I wore a suit from Victoria's Secret at my second wedding. (It was tasteful).
32) I think people who have 18 kids have serious issues.
33) I'm more than a little scared by the health care bill but I trust my President. Not blindly, I just trust he's more like me than people think he is.
34) I am a fourth generation Idahoan and terribly proud of that fact.
35) I wish to this day I hadn't been so fair in my divorce and that Big Bit would have always lived with me. I did the "right thing". My fault totally.
36) I am very proud of the families I come from and the influence they have had on who I am.
37) I wish I trusted my own instincts more.
38) I love my house.
39) I am really horrible at keeping in touch with people and I feel guilty over it.
40) I am not a good housekeeper most of the time.
41) I saw Garth Brooks for free before anyone knew who he was.
42) I was listening to an AM radio station from LA when John Lennon was shot. I still remember the shock and amazement.
43) I remember man landing on the Moon (my grandmother and I shared this as a wonder. I was 2.5 years old when it happened but I do remember it.)
44) The first diamond I ever got was from a guy in the Army stationed in Killeen, TX (special resonance this week).
45) I love to read.
46) I am shy.
47) My nose is crooked. (broken, I believe, twice.)
48) I love Big Bit's pet rabbit far more than I wanted to or planned on.
49) I make a mean homemade (from scratch totally) pumpkin pie.
50) I am really going to miss my grandmother over the holidays. (duh.)
51) I wish my Dad would quit smoking. (duh part 2)
52) I remember my parents letting me out of my car seat ( I don't hold it against them, it was the 60's.)
53) I wish I was still in touch with the maid of honor from my 1st wedding. I'm not sure why we aren't to be honest.
54) Even on the days I want to strangle him I thank God for having TH come into my life. I m.ght have been okay without him - but I am not always sure about that.
55) I am thankful TH agreed to have Little Bit (even on the days I want to strangle Little Bit.)
56) I thought Little Bit was a girl and was (slightly) disappointed he wasn't, until he was born.
57) I hope my boys are close when they grow up, but I'm scared they won't be.
58) I love the show Mad Men on AMC.
59) Jane Austen novels are the best.
60) I tried marijuana twice but I didn't inhale. I believe Bill Clinton.
61) I cried today during the service for the Fort Hood casualties.
62) I can't sing karaoke.
63) I believe that God has a plan because there have been too many weird coincidences in my life.
64) I am okay if you don't believe #63. Honest.
65) Four Weddings and a Funeral is my favorite movie ever.
66) I think everyone's pretty much quit reading my blog because they disapprove. But, this is me, warts and all.
67) If I hit the lottery I might be Cele's next door neigbor, I love the Oregon Coast.
68) I've spoken to David Coverdale (lead singer of Whitesnake) on the phone more than once.
69) I was the boss of David's current wife (not Tawny Kitaen) when she first met him.
70) I love NASCAR, and Jeff Gordon in particular.
71) I have made at least three friends that I think I'll have for life. Hopefully more.
72) I wish Corey and Aaron at Cheeseheadtv.com would at least acknowledge my existence.
73) My grandmother thought that I was meant to be born in to my family.
74) I hate Lawrence Welk more than life itself.
75) I think Episode I-III of Star Wars (the later ones) suck!
76) I am a closet Trekkie.
77) I learned WAY more about the Mormon Church when I was in Utah than I wanted to.
78) I hate JarJar Binks (see #75).
79) I'm saying "I" too many times here, but I think that's a function of the exercise?
80) Sonoma Valley is one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen.
81) I love nice restaurants.
82) I have more of a problem being a woman in sole support of the family than I wish I had (I'm not right now, but was in the past for good reason).
83) I really want to be a stay at home Mom for the next 7 years.
84) I probably would go crazy being a stay at home Mom (see dichotomy with #83. Another big word, I'm on a roll!)
85) I had a crush on Michael Landon in Bonanza.
86) I killed Conway Twitty. Well, I went to see him the weekend before he died, and really didn't want to, so the joke (if there could be one, I'm sure he was a nice man) is that I killed him.
87) I'm cheap in ways I don't want to be and extravagant in ways I don't want to be.
88) I am eternally grateful my parents paid my way through college.
89) I like to proofread. (Just not on my blog.)
90) Las Vegas Rocks!
91) I won't lose more than $30 a night gambling.
92) I didn't see a Star Wars movie until I saw "The Empire Strikes Back" with my uncle and cousin. Then I liked it.
93) I hope Idaho beats Boise State Saturday. Sorry, I can't help it.
94) I went to see the Spice Girls willingly.
95) I still dance to "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go".
96) As big of a problem as I have with the Mormon Church, I have something of a really odd crush on Donny Osmond.
97) I like to ski.
98) I'm glad my aunt is hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year because I know it's a huge pain for her.
99) I can't believe a house build in the 1950's is as energy efficient as ours is.
100) I hope this didn't bore anyone who bothered to read it.
1) The first guy I kissed outside of family was Jeff Sirrine in 3rd grade.
2) I love the Green Bay Packers (duh). My father imprinted it on me and now he's trying to renige! No fair!
3) I hate the Denver Broncos (sorry, I'm sports themed right now it will change).
4) I wish I'd gone to the University of Idaho.
5) For some strange reason, I like my alma mater. I guess it's because I made it out with a sheepskin.
6) My left foot is longer than my right foot. Blame my grandmother, I do.
7) I was supposed to be a boy.
8) I met Waylon Jennings three times. And Jessie. And Shooter (who's Drea deMatteo's baby daddy).
9) I love beagles.
10) I love Siamese cats.
11) I secretly wonder if I'm related to Princess Diana. (there's a long shot on it.)
12) I'm really glad I had two kids. I hated being an only child (most of the time).
13) I loved David Cassidy at age 3. I wonder about myself.
14) I looked so much like a boy when I was 6 people mistook me for one.
15) I hated living in Utah.
16) I felt bad that I hated living in Utah based on the fact it was my idea and I talked my family into it.
17) I tried to run away and get married before I actually did to the EHFH. Elko doesn't have wedding chapels which was a sign I ignored.
18) I wanted to major in range management at Idaho but I was scared of the math.
19) I kill house plants inadvertently.
20) I got made fun of as a child by my older cousins because I knew big words. I was perversely proud of that for some reason. Perversely is a big word.
21) I skipped first grade.
22) I hate the Grateful Dead.
23) I am clumsy as hell.
24) I was a cheerleader my senior year (see above, it must not have been a popularity contest - nope, it wasn't. But at least I knew who had the damn ball in football games.)
25) I like to mow the lawn (I'm sure you're all bored by now, it's all downhill from here)!
26) Halloween is my favorite holiday. (Closely followed by Christmas).
27) Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday (family tragedy years ago, will never go away).
28) I am secretly irritated my sons did not inherit my or my father's blue eyes.
29) I didn't get baptized until I was (I think) 21.
30) I wore size 0 jeans when I graduated from high school. If only now.
31) I wore a suit from Victoria's Secret at my second wedding. (It was tasteful).
32) I think people who have 18 kids have serious issues.
33) I'm more than a little scared by the health care bill but I trust my President. Not blindly, I just trust he's more like me than people think he is.
34) I am a fourth generation Idahoan and terribly proud of that fact.
35) I wish to this day I hadn't been so fair in my divorce and that Big Bit would have always lived with me. I did the "right thing". My fault totally.
36) I am very proud of the families I come from and the influence they have had on who I am.
37) I wish I trusted my own instincts more.
38) I love my house.
39) I am really horrible at keeping in touch with people and I feel guilty over it.
40) I am not a good housekeeper most of the time.
41) I saw Garth Brooks for free before anyone knew who he was.
42) I was listening to an AM radio station from LA when John Lennon was shot. I still remember the shock and amazement.
43) I remember man landing on the Moon (my grandmother and I shared this as a wonder. I was 2.5 years old when it happened but I do remember it.)
44) The first diamond I ever got was from a guy in the Army stationed in Killeen, TX (special resonance this week).
45) I love to read.
46) I am shy.
47) My nose is crooked. (broken, I believe, twice.)
48) I love Big Bit's pet rabbit far more than I wanted to or planned on.
49) I make a mean homemade (from scratch totally) pumpkin pie.
50) I am really going to miss my grandmother over the holidays. (duh.)
51) I wish my Dad would quit smoking. (duh part 2)
52) I remember my parents letting me out of my car seat ( I don't hold it against them, it was the 60's.)
53) I wish I was still in touch with the maid of honor from my 1st wedding. I'm not sure why we aren't to be honest.
54) Even on the days I want to strangle him I thank God for having TH come into my life. I m.ght have been okay without him - but I am not always sure about that.
55) I am thankful TH agreed to have Little Bit (even on the days I want to strangle Little Bit.)
56) I thought Little Bit was a girl and was (slightly) disappointed he wasn't, until he was born.
57) I hope my boys are close when they grow up, but I'm scared they won't be.
58) I love the show Mad Men on AMC.
59) Jane Austen novels are the best.
60) I tried marijuana twice but I didn't inhale. I believe Bill Clinton.
61) I cried today during the service for the Fort Hood casualties.
62) I can't sing karaoke.
63) I believe that God has a plan because there have been too many weird coincidences in my life.
64) I am okay if you don't believe #63. Honest.
65) Four Weddings and a Funeral is my favorite movie ever.
66) I think everyone's pretty much quit reading my blog because they disapprove. But, this is me, warts and all.
67) If I hit the lottery I might be Cele's next door neigbor, I love the Oregon Coast.
68) I've spoken to David Coverdale (lead singer of Whitesnake) on the phone more than once.
69) I was the boss of David's current wife (not Tawny Kitaen) when she first met him.
70) I love NASCAR, and Jeff Gordon in particular.
71) I have made at least three friends that I think I'll have for life. Hopefully more.
72) I wish Corey and Aaron at Cheeseheadtv.com would at least acknowledge my existence.
73) My grandmother thought that I was meant to be born in to my family.
74) I hate Lawrence Welk more than life itself.
75) I think Episode I-III of Star Wars (the later ones) suck!
76) I am a closet Trekkie.
77) I learned WAY more about the Mormon Church when I was in Utah than I wanted to.
78) I hate JarJar Binks (see #75).
79) I'm saying "I" too many times here, but I think that's a function of the exercise?
80) Sonoma Valley is one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen.
81) I love nice restaurants.
82) I have more of a problem being a woman in sole support of the family than I wish I had (I'm not right now, but was in the past for good reason).
83) I really want to be a stay at home Mom for the next 7 years.
84) I probably would go crazy being a stay at home Mom (see dichotomy with #83. Another big word, I'm on a roll!)
85) I had a crush on Michael Landon in Bonanza.
86) I killed Conway Twitty. Well, I went to see him the weekend before he died, and really didn't want to, so the joke (if there could be one, I'm sure he was a nice man) is that I killed him.
87) I'm cheap in ways I don't want to be and extravagant in ways I don't want to be.
88) I am eternally grateful my parents paid my way through college.
89) I like to proofread. (Just not on my blog.)
90) Las Vegas Rocks!
91) I won't lose more than $30 a night gambling.
92) I didn't see a Star Wars movie until I saw "The Empire Strikes Back" with my uncle and cousin. Then I liked it.
93) I hope Idaho beats Boise State Saturday. Sorry, I can't help it.
94) I went to see the Spice Girls willingly.
95) I still dance to "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go".
96) As big of a problem as I have with the Mormon Church, I have something of a really odd crush on Donny Osmond.
97) I like to ski.
98) I'm glad my aunt is hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year because I know it's a huge pain for her.
99) I can't believe a house build in the 1950's is as energy efficient as ours is.
100) I hope this didn't bore anyone who bothered to read it.
Friday, November 6, 2009
I Am A Failure
I didn't do my 100 things. But I will by midnight Sunday.
In the meantime, I would like to share this video by Train. They did one of my favorite songs ever, "Drops of Jupiter". If you've ever had a suddenly interrupted relationship you'd relate. In this case, this is just a chirpy, happy song and it makes me smile.
How many people know who "Mr. Mister" is anymore (besides TH?)
I do have a vague memory of watching Ricky Schroeder listen to "Broken Wings" at the end of a "Silver Spoon" episode. I am REALLY old.
In the meantime, I would like to share this video by Train. They did one of my favorite songs ever, "Drops of Jupiter". If you've ever had a suddenly interrupted relationship you'd relate. In this case, this is just a chirpy, happy song and it makes me smile.
How many people know who "Mr. Mister" is anymore (besides TH?)
I do have a vague memory of watching Ricky Schroeder listen to "Broken Wings" at the end of a "Silver Spoon" episode. I am REALLY old.
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