Talk Thursday - Devastated

When Krista sent out this topic, it finally spurred me to do something I hadn't for months (obviously) - blog.

What happened? A lot in the last seven months. Frankly, most of it hasn't been good. Bear with me a moment, for those of you who don't know the whole story. There is a moral to it.

Shortly after my last post, I managed to fall on my elbow walking Mario on icy sidewalks (as opposed to my ass, which would have been better) and shatter it. Surgery followed and I can safely say that it hurt worse than being in labor. So there was that. No skiing in the winter. Boo.

January went without much event, just healing up from the surgery but February started off with a bang. Right before Big Bit's birthday, my Dad was diagnosed with terminal leukemia, a month from turning 65. Those of you that have read the blog know that Dad had his battles with cancer, those being smoking related, but this apparently was not. So much for me and my bitching about his smoking.

Strike one.

A week to the day after this became news, Big Bit called me hysterical. He was at his Dad's and had gotten on to Facebook, only to see that TH's niece had posted she had to go home because her brother had committed suicide. Yep. Our nephew. Brad's sister's kid. I was even more shocked because we knew nothing. I got through to TH while he was teaching a class. The fact I did that warned him it was bad. Indeed, he reached his sister as I reached our niece and the worst had happened the night before. They'd had no time to reach us due to logistical issues. We assured them finding out the way we did wasn't anyone's fault. It damn sure was a shock though. I think I'm even more glad I quit Facebook.

Strike two.

So, we're going to a funeral for a 17 year old, two weeks short of his 18th birthday. A beautiful boy, who'd gone through his struggles but seemed to be on a good path. We'd seen him at Christmas and he'd been delightful. Played with Little Bit, chatted, was much more the boy I remembered than he'd been for years. Perhaps this was a sign. We didn't know. I've been to enough teen aged boys' funerals in my life. I didn't need to go to another one. Big Bit was distraught; he and his cousin were a year apart in age and quite good friends when little.

So that passed. The only humorous part of the week was when Big Bit and I were texting each other after the funeral about the obnoxious stepmonster in law - who was in full form.

Another Friday went by with no bad news. Whew.

And then.

My mother called with the news that my cousin's 19 year old, again a great pal of Big Bit's when younger, had killed himself. At this point, kids, I was numb, I was reeling. I was beyond belief that our lives could suck as progressively much as they were getting to, as well as being devastated for my cousin and her husband, great parents, as I had been for my sister-in-law and her husband, who are REALLY good people.

Big Bit was more stoic at this funeral, but for the second time in a month he got to see his boyhood plastered on a wall in the form of a slide show. Was it good that he was in their lives enough to make the final show? Sure. But I'm also sure it was very hard for him.

Strike three.

Oh, and just for good measure, Little Bit was diagnosed with Aspergers in February. Not totally unexpected, but another thing to manage.

We ached through March, we suffered through April, and lagged into May. The weather didn't help. Boise decided to have its wettest, cloudiest spring in recent history. The sun? It wasn't coming out. At all. Ever, apparently. Little Bit struggled at school, and Big Bit did too.

Mid-may came, and Big Bit was finishing up his last semester. We were starting to get some equilibrium, I thought. We'd been to see Dad frequently, and I'd talked to him on the phone, but one could tell he was getting progressively more sad and more weak. TH and I went to see him, and when I got there he was so bad that he basically needed to sleep all the time so that he wouldn't hurt. If he woke up, he was in pain. I saw him for probably two minutes that weekend. I was a chicken. I couldn't face it. I am pretty ashamed of myself for that. Thank God for my stepmother. If God didn't send her into Dad's life, I don't know who did, because apparently I wasn't going to be able to take care of him. The last time I saw him, he was asleep, finally peacefully, and I didn't want to wake him up. I still wonder if that was the right decision.

We went home, as it didn't seem he was at "that" stage. In the middle of the night my phone rang. I HATE middle of the night phone calls. Nothing good comes of these calls, ever. They're either death or drunk dialing and there's nothing positive about either. Yeah, big shocker, Dad was gone. I was glad in a way, because he really was done with all of this at the end and I certainly couldn't blame him. But it was sad and horrible that all he wanted was to get outside, maybe go fishing or at least drive in the hills and the fricking weather wouldn't permit it. I will never understand that.

So...more numbness. Getting one foot in front of the other, much less getting up, has been hard. Big Bit went to his Dad's shortly after the funeral and apparently has decided to unleash his very unattractive passive aggressive side for no reason on us. It's been a month since I've talked to him, other than one rather unpleasant test exchange. Gosh, 19 year olds are fun.

So...color me devastated.

But here's where it gets better.

I am glad the Packers won the Super Bowl. In the grand scheme of things, yes, this seems unimportant. But my Dad watched it. And was as excited as I was. We talked afterwards and it was so nice to share something happy right after the bad news. I also was able to get him a signed SB XVI hat by Korey Hall, the Packers player from Glenns Ferry, ID. Dad and I had a personal point of pride about Jerry Kramer. It was there for Korey as well.

I am glad that our nephew was as interactive as he was and allowed us to enjoy his company over the last months of his life; he played with his much younger cousin, showed his sweet side, and I wouldn't trade that, even with how things ended. He hadn't been that way for a long time. It was nice to see that sweet little 1 year old I met so long ago within him again.

I am glad that Big Bit was important enough not only in our nephew's life but in my cousin's son's life that he featured in these slide shows. It's been a long hard slog to make sure that he was plugged into the family. I think he still doesn't always feel like he is, but that's a universal problem. We all wonder where we belong sometimes, I think.

I am glad my Dad and Mom had me so young, as much as I'm sure that complicated their lives at the time. I wouldn't have had 44 years with my Dad, even with the ups and downs, if he hadn't been 20 when I was born.

I am glad that I finally had the light go on in my head regarding my relationship with Big Bit. The last 17 years have been rewarding, but tough. I love him. I have busted my ass and bought my attorney a Corvette trying to get him with me. I have spent thousands of dollars in plane tickets to ensure I saw him frequently. I spent thousands of dollars in child support as was my obligation, and I didn't begrudge that. I saved a full year of child support that I got and managed to come up with 1/2 the amount his Dad gave him for college. Who didn't need the money. But I digress. My point is that I have done everything, everything that I could have done. People have things they regret and probably would re-do if they could. But given how things came, I've done the best I can. I hope he knows how much I love him, and I hope he decides to be more respectful. But I can control how I react to the disrespect.

I feel strong, stronger than I have for some time. I have a wonderful husband I met 17 years ago yesterday. I have a wonderful son who I love, even when he's exasperating the hell out of my by not going to sleep as he is tonight; who will figure out how to deal with Aspergers; and I have a son with a lovely soul who I think will remember who he really is and how much I love him. I have my Mom, my family and my friends. I have people in my life who sent a beautiful flower arrangement to my Dad's funeral even though I won't meet any of them until October when I go to Green Bay - my blog family at PocketDoppler.com. Jerry Kramer has read a blog post of mine and liked it. Jerry Kramer!!!

This litany has sounded extremely depressing, I'm sure. Don't send the police, or the psychiatrist. This is a way of me letting all of this out, and apologizing to those of you to whom I seemed to fall of the face of the earth. I care about you guys. I just was trying to get through the day. That's getting better.

I am lucky. I am alive.

Even though I am devastated.

Good Thoughts Needed

Good thoughts, hopes and prayers out to my Dad, who developed an infection they are trying to deal with through non-invasive methods - if it doesn't work, they'll want to do some surgery. Please send good vibes his way so that he can get this stuff dealt with once and for all and be able to eat a juicy steak and potato dinner.

Better News

Better news on a couple of fronts....

Dad went to the doctor and they said that as long as Dad smokes "minimally" that it is okay...for now...they will give him something to help when he's a little stronger and can focus on doing some things (working or puttering around) and won't have so much time on his hands (causing stress, causing him to want to smoke). So I won't yell at him. And I'm sorry I was so mad (mostly because he scared me to death). But I will yell at him if he doesn't quit when the time is right!!

We also found a place to rent today. Friend Renee went and vetted it for us during her lunch hour (Renee is AWESOME!)so I faxed the paperwork to the property management firm this afternoon. It's a fairly small duplex on the Boise Bench, but the rent was the right price (since we will still have a house payment, it's got to be low) and it has 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and a garage.














Baby steps...after next Friday I'll really feel like this is happening.

Have a good weekend!

Medical Center

There used to be this show starring Chad Everett (anyone remember Chad Everett?) called Medical Center. I feel like we're starring in it the last week. Except for Dad's doctors aren't anywhere near as cute as Chad.

However, here's the update....

Dad should be getting out tomorrow - he's pretty much been given a green light, they just have to arrange all his follow up stuff and make sure he's swallowing well, but he looked great tonight, is talking well and has his trach tube as well as all other tubes pretty much out.

Yeah!!! What a long week - and I have to say, Pattie is a SAINT.

Now, to focus energies on the move. Part of me is still having a hard time believing it's happening, and dreading something will happen to prevent it all. I need to start focusing on the positives.

What To Do About My Blog Name?

Hm...it looks like I shall have to use a new nom de plume. Or, should I? Can I be "lostinutah" when really "happy in Idaho"?

Thoughts? Nominations for a new name?

I used to have license plates when I lived in Reno that said "SPUDPKR" for obvious reasons (see, T2ed, I do laugh at the jokes) - maybe that would work?

I welcome suggestions - please be nice though! :)

P.S. Going to see Dad tonight, hoping he will be out of the hospital tomorrow. Keep you posted.

It's a Tagamet Day

Back in the day in Nevada, I had a nervous stomach (thanks, Grandma and probably a certain Uncle who has had stomach issues). It would pop up whenever my stress was OVER and the happy thoughts began. Nice stomach cramps...since my stress was gone and couldn't keep them from starting. As directed by a doctor many years ago, I take this wonderful drug, Tagamet, which is now available over the counter. I needed it yesterday. And today.

See, here's the things that caused it, in order:

• Dad's doing great and should be out of the hospital Tuesday. He looks great now and is talking well and is up and around.
• I've got a job that I think I will really like in the town I most like in the world
• We have a plan of attack for how to approach moving and where to live.
• We found a house in the interwebs that's in the perfect neighborhood, good price and great garden/backyard area - if only they will take a contingent sale.
• My pastor and friends at church looked way mournful when I said we were moving. It must be really crappy to have people be sad you will be going away.

This, obviously, must be enough to cause stomach cramps. Reesh.

If you haven't already figured out I'm neurotic, you have now. And no, it's not just the maternal genetics that cause this, because the paternal genetics have big control freak genes. And you all that share these genes know it, whether you admit it or not.

Have a good week.

Mini-Updates

• Saw Dad last night - he looks much better than he did Wednesday. He can talk a little, had some lung issues that were unexpected but nothing that wasn't handled easily and he's already sitting up on the side of the bed. Hopefully walking a bit today and every reason to believe he'll be out of the hospital Monday or Tuesday. Big Bit's coming in tonight so it will be good for him to see his Grandpa. I don't think I'm going to let Little Bit in, the tubes etc. would scare him to death. He's already lost one grandparent, I don't want him to worry he might lose another.

• On another note - I have been told to expect a job offer either late this week (I guess that's today, eh?) or early next week. I'm hoping for the late this week - I'd like this to be over and know what we're going to do. Odds are, of course, that I will accept and that we will be preparing to move, but it all comes down to the Benjamins. Let's hope the Benjamins are ready to party with me.

Have a great weekend everyone! Oh, and happy public late birthday to Cousin Steve. I'm a shameful cousin, but it's not because I don't care. :)

Live Blog: Notes from the Hospital

Thought I'd blog from time to time in between working to keep me busy while Dad's in surgery.

11:05 - got here about 10:20, Dad was in surgery at 9 so I came up after getting Little Bit off to school. So far the OR has been in touch twice and everything is going well - haven't had an update in over an hour though so we're hoping they pop out soon. It's raining here today - finally in the last week we've had rain after over I'd say 3 months of none. The Huntsman Cancer Center, where he's being treated, is really a world class facility and is up on the hills in SLC. The view from here is quite pretty.

I am down to being one of the two finalists for The Job - hoping, hoping, hoping I will hear something today. Yes, I'd like to get it so we could go home, but I did find out yesterday that a person I have a great deal of respect for has been selected to replace Sibyl, so things are looking up here at any rate.

More later when we get an update.

2:15

Well, after freaking out because we hadn't heard anything forever, we finally got a call from the OR at 12:30. Everything was going quite well (I guess they lost track of time since the time between calls was WAY more than an hour) and they were plugging on. So, Pattie and I went to lunch a little later. Just got back and no calls while at lunch, so I guess they forgot again. He should be done in the next hour or so. Man there's a lot to this surgery, even if it ended up being much less invasive than they originally thought. I hope he bounces back fast.


3:05

Still nothing - should be getting done but man, these chairs are not comfortable. I have gotten some work done today but my booty is starting to get tired of sitting and the laptop does not follow me around magically floating in the air. Where are the doctors and what have they done with my father?

5:05

Home now - they called from the ER shortly after 4 and said they were closing, it would be a couple more hours at most (well, could be a little more). Little Bit has a baseball game tonight, so came home to get him ready for that and then I'll probably head back in. The nurse said he was coming through with flying colors.
Thank goodness, Little Bit actually DID ALL HIS WORK IN CLASS TODAY. No homework. Feels like a Friday from that standpoint!

I'll let you know how it went when I actually see Dad. Thanks for the well wishes and prayers.

Miscellaneous Updates

Let's see. Much to update, and I wish not to ramble.

JETS WON! PACKERS WON! (TAKE THAT VIKINGS!) Jaguars lost...sigh.

Greater Tuna (Tom & Joe for 2 hours) = FUNNY.

1) Little Bit got his Bear badge in Scouts. He is gearing up for Webelos. I found it very interesting for his Scoutmaster to note that he is the Bear with the most arrow points and got his badge first - and - let's get this straight - he's not LDS, his parents aren't doing it for him (and yes, the LDS Scoutmaster who works for me says this is typically how people get their Eagle Scout at age 13 so it happens) and who goes to the den meetings with him? We do. Come on people, get involved with your kids.

Here he's putting a pin on me. Since I am "Akela", his helper - every time he gets a badge, I get a cool pin. TH helps too, of course, but this is interestingly something he and I bond over (I always wanted to be a Cub Scout, and TH was and hated it). We're very proud of him!

2) A couple of interesting things happened last week. I had my interview, which I THINK went well (but who really knows) - I should know what's up this week and Sybil managed to e-mail herself into a corner. Please, people, when you hit reply all, think about what you're sending and who you're sending it too. Without going into gory detail or "dooceing" myself , my ER person tells me I'm in "the catbird seat". Karma, indeed, can be a bitch. At least I'll be left alone until Sybil departs....fittingly...on HALLOWEEN. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.


3) Little Bit's playing baseball and really, overall, doing well. It's a laid back program stressing skill building, not competition. However, because his Mom can't read a simple schedule, we missed his game tonight. Argh.


Boys will be boys - please note Little Bit manhandling the kid (last on the right) next to him for this picture. I love the pic for the looks on their faces.



He got to pitch - he really didn't do bad, considering he's never done it before!



4) Dad is having his surgery Wednesday and feeling pretty uppity and ready. Thank God. Please shout out your prayers and well wishes. He would like to feel ready to go fishing with Little Bit during track break in a few weeks. Saw Grandma Sunday - she's looking pretty good too all things considered and I'm hoping after Dad's surgery our family medical drama is done for eons! I'll keep you posted on how he's doing.


5) "Gertrude" had her baby today! Madison was a little over 6 lbs and is apparently pretty and healthy - haven't seen any pics yet. Welcome to the world, Madison! This is going to sound weird, but I hope you look like your grandpa, who is long since gone from this world. He was a very handsome man, and none of his kids or grandkids have really looked like him or had that really quirky, quick and smart sense of humor to the nth degree. That Porteguese look and temper has got to show itself somewhere - I miss him to this day.



Keep those fingers, toes and eyes crossed for the job - I ALMOST smell Idaho, and if not that, at least a boss is on the horizon I will really enjoy working for and with.



Lastly this cat is cute...yet really evil.

Random Thoughts

I am flying to Idaho tomorrow night for a early Friday interview. Keep fingers, toes and eyes crossed and prayers at the ready, please.

My dad's in the hospital here so they can get some things worked out and hopefully be on for surgery Friday. Saw him tonight, he's in pretty good spirits, so all of the above thoughts for him too, please.

In the interests of respecting various members of my family's political viewpoints I will not say anything much about "the" speech tonight. I will note, however, that the fact I am now speechless says a great deal, indeed, if you know me at all you probably just fainted.

Have a good weekend everyone - going to the Final Weekend at Willie's, which I will enjoy thoroughly once I'm at lunch with my friends on Friday and the stress of the interview is behind me.

Only In Utah

Both of the following things occurred naturally in Utah.

More update later, but things actually went well with Dad's investigative surgery (not at all invasive) and he'll be back in a couple of weeks to get things taken care of. If you saw my irritated, no, make that very angry rant I posted Friday, I took it down later that night because he came to his senses and did what the doctors told him to do...men...especially of that variety (i.e. irrational) drive me crazy. Big Bit is right, Grandpa and Little Bit are exactly alike. Which is scary.

Now, on to the fun photo fact Big Bit took last night at the grocery store. Only in Utah would this sign be posed next to a stack of Corona. 'Cause that way you couldn't tell your Stake President that you had NO IDEA THERE WAS ALCOHOL IN IT.

Dear God, let my people go.

Sunday Wrap-Up

A couple of posts ago, I said that I hoped the Packers would welcome Brett with open arms if he came into camp and it was my blog so I could say so. Oddly enough, that seems to be happening.
Go Pack. And, I may get to see this very scene again, as I did last December:



We met some people through the blogosphere Friday - "Mr. and Mrs. S" - they are funny and entertaining to talk with). Looking forward to being able to get together again soon to discuss gaming, brewing beer and the oddity that is living in Utah. Among other topics...

Little Bit did his final requirement for getting his Bear badge for Scouts. Now, it's on to deciding if he should go on to Webelos (and yes, still leaning towards a different Pack to eliminate the minority issue), or him staying in the Ward - and I'm getting tired of getting hit up on Fast Offering Sundays because our name is on the list - can they please mark us as "Heathen"? - or if he's ready to quit. But he's done a great job and will look cool in his Cub uniform with his additional Bear patch - pictures will be coming later in August.

My Dad's cancer is back (and this, specifically for the cousins or aunts, please don't tell anyone ESPECIALLY Dad you saw it here if he hasn't told anyone but me. I suspect he hasn't -and please don't tell Grandma, he will if he wants to) - but it's back in a very limited scope, and it looks like he'll be coming here for treatment, at least surgery. He's optimistic and it sounds like he has every reason for being so. Please throw a prayer upwards if that is your kind of thing. I'm very attached to him.

Jumping into the week to come - things seem to be moving forward on the job front as far as Sybil's replacement, we have another "Weekend at Willie's" coming up next weekend along with TWO weddings (no Funeral, thankfully!) AND the Golden Mallet Tournament (more to come on that). We have to move back home so we can afford this social whirl, given the price of gas.

Have a great week!

Things I Got From My Dad

(Yes, Things I Got From My Mom Will Be Next.)

This is not meant to be a complete list.

1) My middle name - check it out, he denies it but the date on this video is quite telling.



2) My love of dirt bikes, fishing (if catching something) and horses. Not that I get to indulge much these days.

3) My love of The Supremes, Surfaris and Paul Revere and the Raiders.

4) My Quixotic approach to life (yes, I realize this can be futile, but it's nice to be idealistic).

5) My Blue Eyes.

6) The Green Bay Packers.

7) After some struggles along the way, because he's a cowboy and always will be, a sense of how much he loves me.

Thanks Dad.