Showing posts with label EHFH. Show all posts
Showing posts with label EHFH. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Talk Thursday - Long Time Gone
"You're a long time gone...keepin' your secrets for too long. Baby, you ain't half of what you used to be....in this dim October sky, I've got no tears left to cry...And I'm finally learning you can't be too strong....I'm a long time gone" - Gin Blossoms, Long Time Gone.
Well, since it's my topic...I'd better write on it.
I went to church Sunday, as I do most Sundays (not all, sadly, in the winter I am a sloth who has trouble rising before 9 when the sun comes up unless it involves going somewhere warm or getting paid to show up to work). As one of the ladies I work with says, I don't go to church so much because I think I have to in order to keep my faith, but I'd hate to see what kind of person I'd be if I didn't go. She said that about her, not me. I think.
I had already sent out the topic, and had some idea of what I would write about. But then it was the Women's service at the church as happens once a year. Yeah, you'd think I'd know that. But I'm not terribly involved other than showing up, worshiping and giving money. Lutherans aren't the most friendly bunch in the world, and while I really like our Pastor, who's in his early 30s and, for a Pastor, fairly liberal in his ideas, I don't fit in with his "group" who are about his age, and I don't fit in with the older people, (i.e. anyone 10 years older than me) because they just seem very comfortable with each other, and despite the fact they've seen my mug on and off for 15 years, they don't seem to interested in pursuing a conversation, and as I've mentioned before I'm shy. (note to Kristi - when Shane has a church, make darned sure you go talk to that nice lady in her early 40's who's standing off to the side and isn't quite sure how to proceed. She'll love you for it).
So, anyhoo, there I am in church, led by the ladies, and very nicely, too. Then the woman who was doing the sermon got up. And, kids, she rocked my world. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. I thought I knew at first, but now I'm not sure how to pull it off.
What I've taken from my experiences a "Long Time Gone" is that you can do something with the best of intentions and be brutally, totally, and completely punished for it. Due to my not being the primary custodial parent the majority of the time since Big Bit started school, I've had everything from people who broke off conversations upon finding out my situation to "family" members saying (though not to my face, of course) that I was probably unfit or at the very least an extremely poor mother for not being in the same town as my child. (Please note, one of these family member should be investigated by Child Protective Services, and I'm not the only person who thinks that. So I thought she had a lot of nerve. No, she doesn't read this, so it's not any of you). I had someone tell me when I announced I was pregnant "Oh (bleep)". I took this as an assumption that I would not be able to keep custody or raise a second child effectively.
In fact, I will note for the historical record, there has never been any allegation I'm unfit. I just had the cojones to stand up for myself, and to some guys, that is enough of a crime.
I knew my truth, why I did make certain decisions and not others. Certain decisions were made by "independent" third parties who at the end of the day didn't seem independent at all. I've made my peace with that part of it, as it were. I don't claim to be without blame. I have plenty and I take responsibility. But I can't stand to even hear EHFH's voice anymore.
The woman, who had also been through a bad divorce, though one with different parameters than mine, said that you have to forgive. Not for the other person, but for yourself. I've heard this before, in other times and places, but this time it really hit me. Whether you believe in Christianity or you think it's bunk, this is a precept that does make a lot of sense.
You see, Friday is Big Bit's 18th birthday. I've been going through this crap for SIXTEEN YEARS. Let me repeat: SIXTEEN years. And while when I got divorced I had no hard feelings as such towards EHFH, he has made it his mission over the last SIXTEEN years to make my life a living hell whenever possible. His actions have pretty much made what affection remained morph into something pretty close to hatred. And while he hasn't always succeeded in his quest, he's succeeded enough to make me more than regret giving him that power. If you add in our married and divorced time, it's coming up on 25 years. That's a lifetime.
So I resolve to forgive on Sunday night. And I'm feeling very "Christlike in my love and forgiveness" to paraphrase the Church (not my Church but "the one true Church"). Then Big Bit calls me last night to talk to me about his FAFSA that has to be filed so he can get qualified for his scholarships, private grants, etc. He and his father are yelling at each other. Not screaming, but yelling pretty loud. I flashback to being afraid, with a two year old in a diaper in my arms, backing up towards a refrigerator, with a very enraged man in my face. I tell Big Bit that I have to get off the phone.
"Call me when you're done". I know it's not serious, honestly. I know they're just both mad, not violent in any way. Big Bit is 6 foot tall and at least 185 lbs. But it gives me the heebie jeebies.
Then, when Big Bit calls back, and I explain that I couldn't stay on the phone because it was creeping me out, he has the raw nerve to say "You aren't good with confrontation".
Oh, I'm good with confrontation, son. I held you in my arms ready to defend you to the end with your dad screaming in our faces. I'm glad you don't remember. I confronted 12 hours of labor only to go through major surgery to have you. And I'm glad I did. I bought my lawyer a freakin' Corvette to try and keep you with me. I'm just not good with screaming.
It's obviously hard to forgive. But it's a long time gone, and I'm tired of secrets. And yelling. It is time to forgive. Wish me good luck, I'm going to need it.
Other than posting pics of Big Bit's graduation which may include pictures of him, this is the last time I will mention that man, forgiveness or no. It's time for that as well.
Well, since it's my topic...I'd better write on it.
I went to church Sunday, as I do most Sundays (not all, sadly, in the winter I am a sloth who has trouble rising before 9 when the sun comes up unless it involves going somewhere warm or getting paid to show up to work). As one of the ladies I work with says, I don't go to church so much because I think I have to in order to keep my faith, but I'd hate to see what kind of person I'd be if I didn't go. She said that about her, not me. I think.
I had already sent out the topic, and had some idea of what I would write about. But then it was the Women's service at the church as happens once a year. Yeah, you'd think I'd know that. But I'm not terribly involved other than showing up, worshiping and giving money. Lutherans aren't the most friendly bunch in the world, and while I really like our Pastor, who's in his early 30s and, for a Pastor, fairly liberal in his ideas, I don't fit in with his "group" who are about his age, and I don't fit in with the older people, (i.e. anyone 10 years older than me) because they just seem very comfortable with each other, and despite the fact they've seen my mug on and off for 15 years, they don't seem to interested in pursuing a conversation, and as I've mentioned before I'm shy. (note to Kristi - when Shane has a church, make darned sure you go talk to that nice lady in her early 40's who's standing off to the side and isn't quite sure how to proceed. She'll love you for it).
So, anyhoo, there I am in church, led by the ladies, and very nicely, too. Then the woman who was doing the sermon got up. And, kids, she rocked my world. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. I thought I knew at first, but now I'm not sure how to pull it off.
What I've taken from my experiences a "Long Time Gone" is that you can do something with the best of intentions and be brutally, totally, and completely punished for it. Due to my not being the primary custodial parent the majority of the time since Big Bit started school, I've had everything from people who broke off conversations upon finding out my situation to "family" members saying (though not to my face, of course) that I was probably unfit or at the very least an extremely poor mother for not being in the same town as my child. (Please note, one of these family member should be investigated by Child Protective Services, and I'm not the only person who thinks that. So I thought she had a lot of nerve. No, she doesn't read this, so it's not any of you). I had someone tell me when I announced I was pregnant "Oh (bleep)". I took this as an assumption that I would not be able to keep custody or raise a second child effectively.
In fact, I will note for the historical record, there has never been any allegation I'm unfit. I just had the cojones to stand up for myself, and to some guys, that is enough of a crime.
I knew my truth, why I did make certain decisions and not others. Certain decisions were made by "independent" third parties who at the end of the day didn't seem independent at all. I've made my peace with that part of it, as it were. I don't claim to be without blame. I have plenty and I take responsibility. But I can't stand to even hear EHFH's voice anymore.
The woman, who had also been through a bad divorce, though one with different parameters than mine, said that you have to forgive. Not for the other person, but for yourself. I've heard this before, in other times and places, but this time it really hit me. Whether you believe in Christianity or you think it's bunk, this is a precept that does make a lot of sense.
You see, Friday is Big Bit's 18th birthday. I've been going through this crap for SIXTEEN YEARS. Let me repeat: SIXTEEN years. And while when I got divorced I had no hard feelings as such towards EHFH, he has made it his mission over the last SIXTEEN years to make my life a living hell whenever possible. His actions have pretty much made what affection remained morph into something pretty close to hatred. And while he hasn't always succeeded in his quest, he's succeeded enough to make me more than regret giving him that power. If you add in our married and divorced time, it's coming up on 25 years. That's a lifetime.
So I resolve to forgive on Sunday night. And I'm feeling very "Christlike in my love and forgiveness" to paraphrase the Church (not my Church but "the one true Church"). Then Big Bit calls me last night to talk to me about his FAFSA that has to be filed so he can get qualified for his scholarships, private grants, etc. He and his father are yelling at each other. Not screaming, but yelling pretty loud. I flashback to being afraid, with a two year old in a diaper in my arms, backing up towards a refrigerator, with a very enraged man in my face. I tell Big Bit that I have to get off the phone.
"Call me when you're done". I know it's not serious, honestly. I know they're just both mad, not violent in any way. Big Bit is 6 foot tall and at least 185 lbs. But it gives me the heebie jeebies.
Then, when Big Bit calls back, and I explain that I couldn't stay on the phone because it was creeping me out, he has the raw nerve to say "You aren't good with confrontation".
Oh, I'm good with confrontation, son. I held you in my arms ready to defend you to the end with your dad screaming in our faces. I'm glad you don't remember. I confronted 12 hours of labor only to go through major surgery to have you. And I'm glad I did. I bought my lawyer a freakin' Corvette to try and keep you with me. I'm just not good with screaming.
It's obviously hard to forgive. But it's a long time gone, and I'm tired of secrets. And yelling. It is time to forgive. Wish me good luck, I'm going to need it.
Other than posting pics of Big Bit's graduation which may include pictures of him, this is the last time I will mention that man, forgiveness or no. It's time for that as well.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Life Altering Truths
Cele invited me to be part of Talk Thursday. I've followed this for a while - a topic is suggested by one of the contributors and then everyone writes on this subject (am I missing anything Cele?).
I've found the entries really enlightening. I'm a bit hesitant here because, well, sometimes things get disclosed in the contributions, as I've seen. But here goes and we'll see how I go with this. At any rate I thank Cele for the invite.
I'm somewhat of a believer in something of a life altering truth - epiphanies. I've had a few in my life and they honestly have always led me to the better, or to the worse if I've ignored them. I haven't had one in a while but I'll never turn one down. I can always use some guidance. I prefer to think of it as Divine Guidance but you can call it what you will.
I think maybe the first life altering truth I had is when I realized I didn't want to be married anymore. Let me be clear - when I got married I meant to be always. Most everyone does. However, most everyone, hell, anyone, shouldn't be 18 when they get married.
I don't think I got married for the "right" reasons because I was too young to know what the "right" reasons felt like. I was shy, skinny, had a "prominent" nose as my friend Karee used to say and when a guy who seemed to have a sparkling personality, athletic grace and a propensity to like me came along, I jumped. I was already engaged to a wonderful guy who did not deserve me (and I mean that in the best way, he would have been miserable). What the hell was I thinking that I was ready to make such decisions? But EHFH's confidence was irresistible and he reminded me of my high school boyfriend James (of the infamous Facebook incident) who, as I look back on it now, treated me as if I didn't deserve him (in the worst possible way) and I just put up with it. For a few years, actually.
If you looked at me from the outside, you would have said I was a damn lucky kid (and you would have been right). Brand new car as an 18th birthday present, okay grades, some good friends, size 3 jeans (I KNOW!) and a pretty bright future. But I still felt awkward and like I didn't fit in. EHFH seemed to save me from all that because he promised in some odd way that I "belonged".
My friend Renee has a daughter who got married a little later than I did in life, but not much, and she, like me had an agenda: get married. finish college. have a baby once financially able to support baby. have another baby two years later. have a nice big house...blah, blah, blah. (Actually, her daughter is much less shallow than I think I was at that age and has accomplished most of these things anyway). But for anyone to think life can be planned out is nonsensical. You can try, but you aren't in control of anything, really.
After the "first" baby, certain things became painfully clear. Eighteen year olds, really, are all very, very much alike. Twenty-six year olds are not. For the first time in my life I saw my full potential not just as a mother and a wife to someone who considered me an equal partner but in my career, life choices and so on as well. And I knew I needed more. And yes, I deserved more. It may sound selfish, but I really don't look at it that way. It would have been very selfish to the EHFH and to Big Bit to remain in a relationship that had become untenable. It probably would have destroyed me ultimately as well.
I won't go into detail on what precipitated the epiphany, because I'm not especially proud of all aspects of my behavior, but let me state clearly that once I had that epiphany I moved quickly to do the right thing, and let both of us try to get to what we really wanted in life and provide Big Bit a more stable environment. For this, in many ways, I've been punished financially, emotionally and socially. I am proud of the fact that Big Bit has been with us a lot, in fact lived with us for a while and that I've been an effective parent to him. We have a bond that I am not sure would be any stronger if he'd never left my roof.
But I stand by my decision, and for me, the life altering truth is this - as Andie MacDowell said in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" - "As John Lennon said, who died the same year as my father, All You Need is Love."
Real, mature love. Some people who marry as teenagers or barely over can make this transition. Many, many can not. And I still think I made the right decision. My divorce/custody attorney said to me, after we didn't get custody of Big Bit when he started school - "Tell me this, would you rather still be married to him?"
No contest, Steve. You may have not proven to be a great attorney, but at that moment, when I was at an all time low, you gave me another life altering truth. And I would need it going forward.
I've found the entries really enlightening. I'm a bit hesitant here because, well, sometimes things get disclosed in the contributions, as I've seen. But here goes and we'll see how I go with this. At any rate I thank Cele for the invite.
I'm somewhat of a believer in something of a life altering truth - epiphanies. I've had a few in my life and they honestly have always led me to the better, or to the worse if I've ignored them. I haven't had one in a while but I'll never turn one down. I can always use some guidance. I prefer to think of it as Divine Guidance but you can call it what you will.
I think maybe the first life altering truth I had is when I realized I didn't want to be married anymore. Let me be clear - when I got married I meant to be always. Most everyone does. However, most everyone, hell, anyone, shouldn't be 18 when they get married.
I don't think I got married for the "right" reasons because I was too young to know what the "right" reasons felt like. I was shy, skinny, had a "prominent" nose as my friend Karee used to say and when a guy who seemed to have a sparkling personality, athletic grace and a propensity to like me came along, I jumped. I was already engaged to a wonderful guy who did not deserve me (and I mean that in the best way, he would have been miserable). What the hell was I thinking that I was ready to make such decisions? But EHFH's confidence was irresistible and he reminded me of my high school boyfriend James (of the infamous Facebook incident) who, as I look back on it now, treated me as if I didn't deserve him (in the worst possible way) and I just put up with it. For a few years, actually.
If you looked at me from the outside, you would have said I was a damn lucky kid (and you would have been right). Brand new car as an 18th birthday present, okay grades, some good friends, size 3 jeans (I KNOW!) and a pretty bright future. But I still felt awkward and like I didn't fit in. EHFH seemed to save me from all that because he promised in some odd way that I "belonged".
My friend Renee has a daughter who got married a little later than I did in life, but not much, and she, like me had an agenda: get married. finish college. have a baby once financially able to support baby. have another baby two years later. have a nice big house...blah, blah, blah. (Actually, her daughter is much less shallow than I think I was at that age and has accomplished most of these things anyway). But for anyone to think life can be planned out is nonsensical. You can try, but you aren't in control of anything, really.
After the "first" baby, certain things became painfully clear. Eighteen year olds, really, are all very, very much alike. Twenty-six year olds are not. For the first time in my life I saw my full potential not just as a mother and a wife to someone who considered me an equal partner but in my career, life choices and so on as well. And I knew I needed more. And yes, I deserved more. It may sound selfish, but I really don't look at it that way. It would have been very selfish to the EHFH and to Big Bit to remain in a relationship that had become untenable. It probably would have destroyed me ultimately as well.
I won't go into detail on what precipitated the epiphany, because I'm not especially proud of all aspects of my behavior, but let me state clearly that once I had that epiphany I moved quickly to do the right thing, and let both of us try to get to what we really wanted in life and provide Big Bit a more stable environment. For this, in many ways, I've been punished financially, emotionally and socially. I am proud of the fact that Big Bit has been with us a lot, in fact lived with us for a while and that I've been an effective parent to him. We have a bond that I am not sure would be any stronger if he'd never left my roof.
But I stand by my decision, and for me, the life altering truth is this - as Andie MacDowell said in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" - "As John Lennon said, who died the same year as my father, All You Need is Love."
Real, mature love. Some people who marry as teenagers or barely over can make this transition. Many, many can not. And I still think I made the right decision. My divorce/custody attorney said to me, after we didn't get custody of Big Bit when he started school - "Tell me this, would you rather still be married to him?"
No contest, Steve. You may have not proven to be a great attorney, but at that moment, when I was at an all time low, you gave me another life altering truth. And I would need it going forward.
Friday, November 6, 2009
I Am A Failure
I didn't do my 100 things. But I will by midnight Sunday.
In the meantime, I would like to share this video by Train. They did one of my favorite songs ever, "Drops of Jupiter". If you've ever had a suddenly interrupted relationship you'd relate. In this case, this is just a chirpy, happy song and it makes me smile.
How many people know who "Mr. Mister" is anymore (besides TH?)
I do have a vague memory of watching Ricky Schroeder listen to "Broken Wings" at the end of a "Silver Spoon" episode. I am REALLY old.
In the meantime, I would like to share this video by Train. They did one of my favorite songs ever, "Drops of Jupiter". If you've ever had a suddenly interrupted relationship you'd relate. In this case, this is just a chirpy, happy song and it makes me smile.
How many people know who "Mr. Mister" is anymore (besides TH?)
I do have a vague memory of watching Ricky Schroeder listen to "Broken Wings" at the end of a "Silver Spoon" episode. I am REALLY old.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
And Now For a More Serious Message
I'm feeling kind of melancholy. I think it was brought on by going to this college for a campus visit with Big Bit yesterday. He seemed to like it, and the fact we were there on a campus visit was probably enough to inspire melancholy.
I went to this fine institution my first semester of college, but I was socially inept at 16 (I know, I know, I was 16, what did I expect?) and when the first set of friends I made didn't work out, I didn't know how to go make new ones. They were a close knit bunch, it's a very small college and I hadn't met enough people in classes to make new friends easily, plus I lived off campus so I didn't know as many people as I might have otherwise. I left at semester and headed back to my hometown and to the junior college there, where I ended up meeting the EHFH and...there you go.
So it was weird to be strolling around that campus yesterday for the first time in, oh, about 25 years (have I mentioned lately that I'm old?) and remembering how excited I was to be there and how stupid I was to leave. How the last time I remember walking into that cafeteria was to tell a guy I'd gone to junior high with that his good friend (my cousin, who Big Bit is named for) had died the previous night. Some of the buildings looked much different. Unfortunately that one didn't look different enough. I could still see him sitting there and the look on his face when I told him the news as I surveyed that room.
Life goes how it goes, and as Frank Sinatra says "I did it My Way" so I don't have a lot to complain about - I was a smart kid who made some dumb choices along the way, no one made them for me. Sometimes I forget to give myself credit for overcoming those bad decisions to live in a house I like, in a town I love, with a husband and two sons who love me, even if I could be or have been a better wife and mother along the way.
Okay, enough heavy thoughts. I don't get like this often, thankfully. For you, dear readers, as well as myself.
I went to this fine institution my first semester of college, but I was socially inept at 16 (I know, I know, I was 16, what did I expect?) and when the first set of friends I made didn't work out, I didn't know how to go make new ones. They were a close knit bunch, it's a very small college and I hadn't met enough people in classes to make new friends easily, plus I lived off campus so I didn't know as many people as I might have otherwise. I left at semester and headed back to my hometown and to the junior college there, where I ended up meeting the EHFH and...there you go.
So it was weird to be strolling around that campus yesterday for the first time in, oh, about 25 years (have I mentioned lately that I'm old?) and remembering how excited I was to be there and how stupid I was to leave. How the last time I remember walking into that cafeteria was to tell a guy I'd gone to junior high with that his good friend (my cousin, who Big Bit is named for) had died the previous night. Some of the buildings looked much different. Unfortunately that one didn't look different enough. I could still see him sitting there and the look on his face when I told him the news as I surveyed that room.
Life goes how it goes, and as Frank Sinatra says "I did it My Way" so I don't have a lot to complain about - I was a smart kid who made some dumb choices along the way, no one made them for me. Sometimes I forget to give myself credit for overcoming those bad decisions to live in a house I like, in a town I love, with a husband and two sons who love me, even if I could be or have been a better wife and mother along the way.
Okay, enough heavy thoughts. I don't get like this often, thankfully. For you, dear readers, as well as myself.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Good Times
Friend Allen sent this picture. I had forgotten that I was this thin (though I ever was before Little Bit entered my life) or that TH was this non-gray.
Diggin' the 90's hair here, and my Eagles "Hell Freezes Over" T-Shirt. First event TH and I attended as newlyweds. They were awesome, even at the (then) totally exorbitant rate of $75 per ticket. My favorite Eagles songs are probably a tie between "Get Over It" (a song for the EHFH "I'd like to find your inner child and kick its little ass") and "Hotel California" - after you've lived in Utah, it becomes all the more meaningful.
Good times.
This weekend we're heading for Seattle for TH's corporate function and to see my two remaining pregnant cousins (and their spouses) as well as Prince Thomas Wayne and his sleep deprived parents, Steve Magnum, Kelli, Dakota, Daniel, Bryn and then stay with our good friends the Hydes. Little Bit and his friend K Hyde (as opposed to K Jeckyll) are already planning the Irish Marauding Party of 2009 complete with "wi-fi" on the Nintendo DS and lots of root beer. Crazy kids. Photos to come of all this, no doubt.
Have a great weekend!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
About Time
May I just repeat what I said in the summer of 1995, in the West One Bank building in Boise, ID after a bunch of us employees gathered to watch the verdict:
"Right there is proof that if my ex-husband had enough money, he could kill me and get away with it."
Karma, OJ, is a beeyatch.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Some True Mavericks
I'm just sayin'....
I love these guys. I bought the CD this song is on many moons ago during a difficult time. It means a lot to this day.
Happy Friday! Flying to Utah tomorrow to retrieve my life (and, most importantly, The Husband). The Bits are at a) Big Bit's Dad's and b) Grandma's house in order of age. They are most important too and will be retrieved as well, in their various respects, and quite soon.
I love these guys. I bought the CD this song is on many moons ago during a difficult time. It means a lot to this day.
Happy Friday! Flying to Utah tomorrow to retrieve my life (and, most importantly, The Husband). The Bits are at a) Big Bit's Dad's and b) Grandma's house in order of age. They are most important too and will be retrieved as well, in their various respects, and quite soon.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
I Wish My Ex Was As Cool As Pink's
Carey Hart is in this video with Pink. I love Pink. And I like Carey Hart...even more, now.
Why can't the EHFH be like this guy? Oh, because his heart is black & cold. Never mind.
Oh, and as of today I would have had suffered through 23 years of hell if I'd stayed with him. Thank goodness for genetics (which made me emotionally intelligent) that pointed out to me that almost 9 was plenty. I guess you could say this is my happy un-anniversary!
(Cousin D, I'm still glad you were my flower girl!)
Watch and enjoy.
Why can't the EHFH be like this guy? Oh, because his heart is black & cold. Never mind.
Oh, and as of today I would have had suffered through 23 years of hell if I'd stayed with him. Thank goodness for genetics (which made me emotionally intelligent) that pointed out to me that almost 9 was plenty. I guess you could say this is my happy un-anniversary!
(Cousin D, I'm still glad you were my flower girl!)
Watch and enjoy.
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