Life Altering Truths

Cele invited me to be part of Talk Thursday. I've followed this for a while - a topic is suggested by one of the contributors and then everyone writes on this subject (am I missing anything Cele?).

I've found the entries really enlightening. I'm a bit hesitant here because, well, sometimes things get disclosed in the contributions, as I've seen. But here goes and we'll see how I go with this. At any rate I thank Cele for the invite.

I'm somewhat of a believer in something of a life altering truth - epiphanies. I've had a few in my life and they honestly have always led me to the better, or to the worse if I've ignored them. I haven't had one in a while but I'll never turn one down. I can always use some guidance. I prefer to think of it as Divine Guidance but you can call it what you will.

I think maybe the first life altering truth I had is when I realized I didn't want to be married anymore. Let me be clear - when I got married I meant to be always. Most everyone does. However, most everyone, hell, anyone, shouldn't be 18 when they get married.

I don't think I got married for the "right" reasons because I was too young to know what the "right" reasons felt like. I was shy, skinny, had a "prominent" nose as my friend Karee used to say and when a guy who seemed to have a sparkling personality, athletic grace and a propensity to like me came along, I jumped. I was already engaged to a wonderful guy who did not deserve me (and I mean that in the best way, he would have been miserable). What the hell was I thinking that I was ready to make such decisions? But EHFH's confidence was irresistible and he reminded me of my high school boyfriend James (of the infamous Facebook incident) who, as I look back on it now, treated me as if I didn't deserve him (in the worst possible way) and I just put up with it. For a few years, actually.

If you looked at me from the outside, you would have said I was a damn lucky kid (and you would have been right). Brand new car as an 18th birthday present, okay grades, some good friends, size 3 jeans (I KNOW!) and a pretty bright future. But I still felt awkward and like I didn't fit in. EHFH seemed to save me from all that because he promised in some odd way that I "belonged".

My friend Renee has a daughter who got married a little later than I did in life, but not much, and she, like me had an agenda: get married. finish college. have a baby once financially able to support baby. have another baby two years later. have a nice big house...blah, blah, blah. (Actually, her daughter is much less shallow than I think I was at that age and has accomplished most of these things anyway). But for anyone to think life can be planned out is nonsensical. You can try, but you aren't in control of anything, really.

After the "first" baby, certain things became painfully clear. Eighteen year olds, really, are all very, very much alike. Twenty-six year olds are not. For the first time in my life I saw my full potential not just as a mother and a wife to someone who considered me an equal partner but in my career, life choices and so on as well. And I knew I needed more. And yes, I deserved more. It may sound selfish, but I really don't look at it that way. It would have been very selfish to the EHFH and to Big Bit to remain in a relationship that had become untenable. It probably would have destroyed me ultimately as well.

I won't go into detail on what precipitated the epiphany, because I'm not especially proud of all aspects of my behavior, but let me state clearly that once I had that epiphany I moved quickly to do the right thing, and let both of us try to get to what we really wanted in life and provide Big Bit a more stable environment. For this, in many ways, I've been punished financially, emotionally and socially. I am proud of the fact that Big Bit has been with us a lot, in fact lived with us for a while and that I've been an effective parent to him. We have a bond that I am not sure would be any stronger if he'd never left my roof.

But I stand by my decision, and for me, the life altering truth is this - as Andie MacDowell said in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" - "As John Lennon said, who died the same year as my father, All You Need is Love."

Real, mature love. Some people who marry as teenagers or barely over can make this transition. Many, many can not. And I still think I made the right decision. My divorce/custody attorney said to me, after we didn't get custody of Big Bit when he started school - "Tell me this, would you rather still be married to him?"

No contest, Steve. You may have not proven to be a great attorney, but at that moment, when I was at an all time low, you gave me another life altering truth. And I would need it going forward.