Talk Thursday - Devastated

When Krista sent out this topic, it finally spurred me to do something I hadn't for months (obviously) - blog.

What happened? A lot in the last seven months. Frankly, most of it hasn't been good. Bear with me a moment, for those of you who don't know the whole story. There is a moral to it.

Shortly after my last post, I managed to fall on my elbow walking Mario on icy sidewalks (as opposed to my ass, which would have been better) and shatter it. Surgery followed and I can safely say that it hurt worse than being in labor. So there was that. No skiing in the winter. Boo.

January went without much event, just healing up from the surgery but February started off with a bang. Right before Big Bit's birthday, my Dad was diagnosed with terminal leukemia, a month from turning 65. Those of you that have read the blog know that Dad had his battles with cancer, those being smoking related, but this apparently was not. So much for me and my bitching about his smoking.

Strike one.

A week to the day after this became news, Big Bit called me hysterical. He was at his Dad's and had gotten on to Facebook, only to see that TH's niece had posted she had to go home because her brother had committed suicide. Yep. Our nephew. Brad's sister's kid. I was even more shocked because we knew nothing. I got through to TH while he was teaching a class. The fact I did that warned him it was bad. Indeed, he reached his sister as I reached our niece and the worst had happened the night before. They'd had no time to reach us due to logistical issues. We assured them finding out the way we did wasn't anyone's fault. It damn sure was a shock though. I think I'm even more glad I quit Facebook.

Strike two.

So, we're going to a funeral for a 17 year old, two weeks short of his 18th birthday. A beautiful boy, who'd gone through his struggles but seemed to be on a good path. We'd seen him at Christmas and he'd been delightful. Played with Little Bit, chatted, was much more the boy I remembered than he'd been for years. Perhaps this was a sign. We didn't know. I've been to enough teen aged boys' funerals in my life. I didn't need to go to another one. Big Bit was distraught; he and his cousin were a year apart in age and quite good friends when little.

So that passed. The only humorous part of the week was when Big Bit and I were texting each other after the funeral about the obnoxious stepmonster in law - who was in full form.

Another Friday went by with no bad news. Whew.

And then.

My mother called with the news that my cousin's 19 year old, again a great pal of Big Bit's when younger, had killed himself. At this point, kids, I was numb, I was reeling. I was beyond belief that our lives could suck as progressively much as they were getting to, as well as being devastated for my cousin and her husband, great parents, as I had been for my sister-in-law and her husband, who are REALLY good people.

Big Bit was more stoic at this funeral, but for the second time in a month he got to see his boyhood plastered on a wall in the form of a slide show. Was it good that he was in their lives enough to make the final show? Sure. But I'm also sure it was very hard for him.

Strike three.

Oh, and just for good measure, Little Bit was diagnosed with Aspergers in February. Not totally unexpected, but another thing to manage.

We ached through March, we suffered through April, and lagged into May. The weather didn't help. Boise decided to have its wettest, cloudiest spring in recent history. The sun? It wasn't coming out. At all. Ever, apparently. Little Bit struggled at school, and Big Bit did too.

Mid-may came, and Big Bit was finishing up his last semester. We were starting to get some equilibrium, I thought. We'd been to see Dad frequently, and I'd talked to him on the phone, but one could tell he was getting progressively more sad and more weak. TH and I went to see him, and when I got there he was so bad that he basically needed to sleep all the time so that he wouldn't hurt. If he woke up, he was in pain. I saw him for probably two minutes that weekend. I was a chicken. I couldn't face it. I am pretty ashamed of myself for that. Thank God for my stepmother. If God didn't send her into Dad's life, I don't know who did, because apparently I wasn't going to be able to take care of him. The last time I saw him, he was asleep, finally peacefully, and I didn't want to wake him up. I still wonder if that was the right decision.

We went home, as it didn't seem he was at "that" stage. In the middle of the night my phone rang. I HATE middle of the night phone calls. Nothing good comes of these calls, ever. They're either death or drunk dialing and there's nothing positive about either. Yeah, big shocker, Dad was gone. I was glad in a way, because he really was done with all of this at the end and I certainly couldn't blame him. But it was sad and horrible that all he wanted was to get outside, maybe go fishing or at least drive in the hills and the fricking weather wouldn't permit it. I will never understand that.

So...more numbness. Getting one foot in front of the other, much less getting up, has been hard. Big Bit went to his Dad's shortly after the funeral and apparently has decided to unleash his very unattractive passive aggressive side for no reason on us. It's been a month since I've talked to him, other than one rather unpleasant test exchange. Gosh, 19 year olds are fun.

So...color me devastated.

But here's where it gets better.

I am glad the Packers won the Super Bowl. In the grand scheme of things, yes, this seems unimportant. But my Dad watched it. And was as excited as I was. We talked afterwards and it was so nice to share something happy right after the bad news. I also was able to get him a signed SB XVI hat by Korey Hall, the Packers player from Glenns Ferry, ID. Dad and I had a personal point of pride about Jerry Kramer. It was there for Korey as well.

I am glad that our nephew was as interactive as he was and allowed us to enjoy his company over the last months of his life; he played with his much younger cousin, showed his sweet side, and I wouldn't trade that, even with how things ended. He hadn't been that way for a long time. It was nice to see that sweet little 1 year old I met so long ago within him again.

I am glad that Big Bit was important enough not only in our nephew's life but in my cousin's son's life that he featured in these slide shows. It's been a long hard slog to make sure that he was plugged into the family. I think he still doesn't always feel like he is, but that's a universal problem. We all wonder where we belong sometimes, I think.

I am glad my Dad and Mom had me so young, as much as I'm sure that complicated their lives at the time. I wouldn't have had 44 years with my Dad, even with the ups and downs, if he hadn't been 20 when I was born.

I am glad that I finally had the light go on in my head regarding my relationship with Big Bit. The last 17 years have been rewarding, but tough. I love him. I have busted my ass and bought my attorney a Corvette trying to get him with me. I have spent thousands of dollars in plane tickets to ensure I saw him frequently. I spent thousands of dollars in child support as was my obligation, and I didn't begrudge that. I saved a full year of child support that I got and managed to come up with 1/2 the amount his Dad gave him for college. Who didn't need the money. But I digress. My point is that I have done everything, everything that I could have done. People have things they regret and probably would re-do if they could. But given how things came, I've done the best I can. I hope he knows how much I love him, and I hope he decides to be more respectful. But I can control how I react to the disrespect.

I feel strong, stronger than I have for some time. I have a wonderful husband I met 17 years ago yesterday. I have a wonderful son who I love, even when he's exasperating the hell out of my by not going to sleep as he is tonight; who will figure out how to deal with Aspergers; and I have a son with a lovely soul who I think will remember who he really is and how much I love him. I have my Mom, my family and my friends. I have people in my life who sent a beautiful flower arrangement to my Dad's funeral even though I won't meet any of them until October when I go to Green Bay - my blog family at PocketDoppler.com. Jerry Kramer has read a blog post of mine and liked it. Jerry Kramer!!!

This litany has sounded extremely depressing, I'm sure. Don't send the police, or the psychiatrist. This is a way of me letting all of this out, and apologizing to those of you to whom I seemed to fall of the face of the earth. I care about you guys. I just was trying to get through the day. That's getting better.

I am lucky. I am alive.

Even though I am devastated.

Talk Thursday - Wide Open Spaces

I toyed with this topic - I love Wide Open Spaces by the Dixie Chicks. When it came out it so reminded me of me as a young willful kid - "I know how to do it better than you." Of course, that is so not true, yet in a way it is.

Today I got tickets to see that jazz great (and Boise/Capitol High native) Curtis Stigers. I'm going with friend Shawn since The Husband will be out of town - getting to join him for a couple of days in Reno later in the week, yay!

I posted a while back the boys and I got to sit by Curtis at Gernika and I ogled him (subtly) because he is a) gorgeous and b) talented.

Just so you have a frame of reference, really the first time I really saw much of Curtis, he looked like this:



The last time I saw Curtis, (I've seen him sing a couple of times in the interim) he looked like this:



It's interesting how this mirrors "Wide Open Spaces" - you start out this kid who knows it all, and you end up 25 years later this wiser, happier person who STILL, STILL, sings the same tune. In a way. And you can still look really good - even with gray hair.

Really looking forward to seeing him Monday.

Progress?

Here I am, actually blogging. Shocking, eh? I know! (Craig Ferguson voice.)

Blogosophere, don't feel neglected - it's bad enough that my lovely stepmother called me to see if I was alive. Yes, she agrees my father could call me. He doesn't. Unless it's my birthday. I don't take it personally anymore but when things get going enough that life is especially crazy, I don't think of calling him until 8:30 p.m. and then he's asleep. I reassured her I'm still alive and think about them lots. We'll probably try and run down over Thanksgiving weekend. Turkey Day itself will be quietly at home. TH has to have hernia surgery two days before so he will be moving gingerly I am sure.

(Hernia surgery? Seriously? Old people have hernias. Oh, he's 47 you say? Oh my heck.)

Big Bit is doing well at College of Idaho. He's taking midterms this week, has made a few friends and is ready for his fall break next week, in which he will take Reno on for several days. His Dad is doing well, the cancer seems to have been a scare and not a glaring reality, for which I am deeply thankful.

Little Bit is cruising through 6th grade fairly well, as has been the case each year there are less issues with the transition. I'm a little concerned about the transition to junior high. No, let me be honest. I'm terrified. He's so intelligent but emotionally a little immature - and holding him back academically would be a disaster. His counselor that he's been seeing for a while now suggested a charter school here in Boise that has a junior high. We're seriously considering it. It's not far from TH's work so that wouldn't be especially problematic but it has a lottery so who knows if he'd actually get in anyway. There's also a private school that might be an option. (ouch.)

Not getting the potential job seems to have been a blessing in disguise, but the current one is driving me starkers as they say in the UK. Still, it is better than unemployment, so I will strive to persevere.

The Packers beat the Vikings. You may not have heard. This of course was huge. I'm still grinning. Now if Nevada beats BSU my football experience for this year may hit it's zenith. Those Oregon Ducks are the team I'm rooting for otherwise. ;)

My birthday is Saturday and unfortunately I didn't win the Packers trip to see the Jets game and the new Broadway play Lombardi this weekend. Sigh. Nor can I go to the Rally for Sanity, as much fun as that would be. Little Bit wants to go to Boo at the Zoo Saturday so that should be fun. He's going to be Harry Potter. I promise to post pictures of that.

I promise to be a little more active here. Now that it's dark, I'm not tempted to spend all of my time outside.

How To Win Friends and Influence Bear Fans

Here's a draft of my first blog post for PocketDoppler.com which I hope will publish tomorrow.


Many thanks to Wally for asking me to participate in these shenanigans. Hopefully you'll find the view of a (somewhat) Violent Femme worthwhile reading.

As a bit of an introduction, I've been a Packer fan for most of my life, thanks to my Dad - a huge fan of the Lombardi-era Packers, especially Jerry Kramer (as most of my family has attended University of Idaho). The story I like to tell is that I was sitting on his lap at a few months old watching Super Bowl I. If not, I must have been in the next room listening to him cheer, because I imprinted. I read his well-thumbed copy of Instant Replay when I was about 7 or 8 and it was all over with. I was hooked.

Over the past 20 years, my interest has become more intense. Now, thanks to the power of blogs such as CheeseheadTV and Twitter, I've come to feel a part of a community of fans. I think those of us who don't live anywhere near Wisconsin find this connection maybe more important than your local Packer fan realizes, because we don't often run into someone on the street who has a similar passion for our team. In fact, around here, you're more likely to meet a Denver Bronco or San Francisco 49er fan. Shudder.

I've seen a fair amount of bickering on the Packer fan blogs, sometimes to the point of name calling after a big loss, or especially during the whole Favregate fiasco. In general, however, except for the occasional presence of a troll, people at least repect the main premise of why we're all there - we love and support the Green Bay Packers, come what may.

I realized during the Super Bowl vs. Denver that I had a little problem with confrontation. We were at a friend's house for a Super Bowl party who really didn't know anything about football, which is fine, but who made the mistake (to me) of inviting a rabid Broncos fan, male, who found out I loved the Packers and went after me with the intensity of a diamond tipped drill bit. Once he knew he was bothering me, he wouldn't shut up. Usually I'm pretty quick with a quip or pointed comment, but I just sat there, and after that last, awful play got up quietly, walked out the door and went home. And cried, I must confess. (Of course, that wasn't the last time Favre made me cry.)

Last week I was reminded as to my utter inability to trash talk. A new tweep, from my town, found out my loyalties were (I can't believe he could figure it out....) and revealed himself as a Bears fan. Not just a Bears fan, but a trash talking, Packer hating, McMahon worshiping Bears fan. In an awful case of deja vu, with laser like focus he set about annoying me. I tried to play it off for a while, I tried to respond and be funny but it got worse and finally I had just had enough. So I did what any girl should(n't) do, I ran to my band of Packer fan brothers in the Twitter world and one of them was kind enough to take said Bear fanboy on.

During the Bear game on Sunday the insults flew thick and fast between them while I watched from the Twitter sidelines. If I was a betting woman (and I am) I would have bet that one, or both, was totally beside himself with rage. Then, suddenly, all was totally laid back and smiley faces. Peace and joy reigned. Each had worn himself out, I guess, and felt better, perhaps taking comfort in the united knowledge that the Vikings, too, suck.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I somehow, someway, take all of it too seriously to trash talk well. That seems odd to me, because I've seen men who I know bleed green and gold even more than I do (and therefore one would assume might care more) engage in exchanges that would make a truck driver blush. I have a cousin I'm very close to who is a Bears fan, but our "discussion" of the rivalry comes down to a twice a year my posting on my personal blog "The Bears Still Suck" video and his verbal flailing once they (usually) lose. No harm, no foul, no name calling. That's the extent of my trash talking experience.

Is this a female trait, or am I merely an example of a timid Packer fan that just needs to get some thicker skin and jump in the fray with the trash talkers? I don't know. I consulted with Jayme Joers from BrentFavre.com and she said she thought maybe we female sports fans are a little more emotional about our support. Understandable? Maybe, but when you don't know how to respond to someone it's just annoying. I'd love to have a better reaction than stony silence.

Two things I know for sure is The Bears Still Suck, and I still suck at trash talk.

Talk Thursday - Progressions

Life is weird sometimes. Well, if you're me, it's weird all the time, but that's another story for another Talk Thursday.

One of the reasons I didn't write over the summer is I was just working through stuff. I keep thinking "You're in your 40's, you're supposed to have this all figured out." But I don't, and I keep working at it. I've been frustrated because I don't have a job I love. I love where I live, and when we moved back I remember telling TH "I can hate my job or I can hate where I live, but I can't hate both, I'll never make it." In some ways this is true. I couldn't. But I find disliking one or the other very disheartening. Don Quixote, quit tilting at windmills.

I've been trying to find paths in which I can feel fulfilled in different ways at my output, even if it's not output I get paid for. That's a bit challenging given that I do have a job, a family and I'm trying to get a professional certification that's good for the resume if not much else.

Today a few weird things happened. Two of them positive, one not in a way but a way that made me thoughtful. Today was truly a progression for me, and that's not an experience I've had in a while.

First, when I got to work, I had a message from @wallypingel on Twitter asking me if I'd be interested in providing a female sports/Packers perspective to his blog, PocketDoppler.com. I "met" Wally through CheeseheadTV and he has some people he collaborates on this site, which definitely has content of interest to me. I thought for a couple of hours - I love to write, I've been told I'm good at it professionally but for entertainment? Whew. But, I was thinking yesterday that I would love to do something like be a professional sportswriter, or a blogger that became financially solvent for it. Aaron Nagler from CheeseheadTv was featured in the New York Times yesterday along with his partner in crime Corey Behnke. They don't do this for a living. YET. But I think they might pull it off. I don't think I ever would but I thought - what the hell? So I'm going to have a weekly post for Wally unless he thinks I suck at writing. In which case you will never hear another mention of this again.

Second - had a great lunch with the colleague who's daughter is attending school with Big Bit and we found out that we had much in common - we both love Craig Ferguson, we both have surreptitious piles of "important" papers on various counter corners in our house, our college freshmen both break our hearts occasionally - you name it. The progression part though is that she had a project that she needed help with that was up my alley - how our company could use social media. I jumped at the chance because whether it results in advancement or not, I knew I would enjoy it and it IS professionally related output. Yay!

The last thing was sad in a way, and yes, in a minor way, but still. Greg Bedard from the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, my Twitter buddy that came to see TH and I in Seattle, is leaving Wisconsin and moving to work for the Boston Globe as their premier NFL writer. Very cool for Greg, he's from the region and loves the Red Sox, but I was momentarily crushed, because he and I chatter about things every so often that are much beyond the Packers. Real Housewives of... (he and his wife love it, I DO NOT get it at all), last night we chatted about the Rutgers student's suicide because Greg went to Rutgers and I knew he'd be crushed, and other things now and again. Then I stopped and thought - you know, if I have any kind of connection in reality here to this very nice man, it's not going to stop because he leaves Wisconsin. Not like he lives next door to me in Boise, after all. And if we don't keep chattering, I know it was part of his professional obligation to talk to fans but he did it like a gentleman and that in this day and age is refreshing.

So - some new things for me to do, to think about, to write about and hopefully they'll result in some personal growth and accentuate the good things that seem to be brewing or already exist in my life. Start being appreciative, damn it. (I remind myself.)

The Bears Still Suck

Well, I didn't get the job, so I'm going to hang on until after the first of the year as certain good things will come my way if I do. Keep your fingers crossed that something happens after that. I know, I know, and I do believe things happen for a reason but sometimes it's really hard to see what that reason is.

In other related bad news, Monday Night Football sucked. (I know, Steven, you enjoyed it hugely.)

I don't care if the Bears won, they played the absolute worst game for the most part that I've seen and still managed to win - because the Packers beat themselves. McCarthy should be shot for making bad challenges - I think he went to the Childress School for the Criminally Insane NFL Head Coaches.

On the other hand, Aaron Rodgers played a beautiful game. Kid, you're growing up. *Sniff*

I remember how dismayed I was when Brent left and how I worried about Aaron's durability. I wasn't alone, I know, but I feel guilty now in the face of his grace, good humor and ability to suffer way too many sacks last year. He retweeted me this summer (this, folks, is a big deal) and I printed it out to frame and put in my pool room. Brent wouldn't know how to type, much less how to treat fans nicely on Twitter.

Anyhow, since I can't rub it in cousin Steve's face about the loss by playing one of my favorite tunes ( I LOVE a good polka), I'd like to play this particular tune for Brian Urlacher and Jay Cutler. Dudes, no one made you King of Anything.

And the Packers aren't drowning. That is all.

Talk Thursday - What I Learned - And Did - This Summer

Wow. I don't think I've ever gone this long without posting. It's been a wacky summer, kids. Some ways good, some ways bad, all ways more than I wanted, I think.

I've done a lot, and a lot of nothing. It depends on which week/month it was. I promise to post some pics of our trip to DC, but in the meantime, here's what I was up to this summer.

Things I Did:

Went to Reno to see Big Bit graduate. Mom, TH, Little Bit and I made the trip and my cousin the Godmother made a detour from her vacation in order to see her Godson graduate. It was a good weekend and really amazing. Big Bit asked me if I cried afterwards, to which TH responded "How many times would you like to hear about?" Too true. All I could think of was him in his little pink and blue cap laying in my arms while I said "Hi Dude, welcome to the world." It goes so damn fast.

Got hooked on Twitter. It gives the instant gratification a distracted Type A personality like me seems to require. I've had some great interactions with people there, some famous (Kelsey Grammer), some known to many (Mike Freeman, who writes for CBS Sports Online, has written several books and apparently wants to kidnap my beagle) and some known only to me. That may have been part of the reason I haven't blogged, and I know Kris has alluded to this as well...you've kind of said things you wanted to say and that takes away from the will to write. If you don't Twitter, you might like it. If you ever do and you follow me, it's really me, warts, liberal viewpoint, Packer obsession and all. You have been warned.

Went to Washington, DC. Awesome week. Did not want to go home. Could live there if I could live in the city. Have to make much more money to live in the city than I think I can. We hit about everything you could want to, including the White House and the Capitol tours (thank you Senator Crapo, I'll never vote for you but still). Met @thewino (Kris), @htphelps (Holly) and @KingMonkeyPants (James Bond), the first two being lovely ladies who blog about life (Kris) and the Packers (Holly) and now are on Twitter as well, the latter a dear friend of Kris' who is a source of absolute joy to me with his abundant humor on Twitter. I would have taken a picture of all of them, but KMP has some sort of super secret government job and I think he would have had to shoot us had he been photographed (I keed, I keed). The whole family was taken with them, to the point that when we went to National Airport (as the locals still call it) to fly home, Little Bit sadly waved out the window of the Metro and said "Bye, Monkey."

Not something I did - but - TH won the Golden Mallet tournament. AGAIN. Friend Steve was a bit apoplectic, because it's Steve's party, on Steve's birthday (this year) and he lost that damn mallet again. He'd gained it back for all of one year.

Had our annual Fourth of July BBQ so we could all troop over to the Depot and watch fireworks. Little Bit had a friend over, friends Steve and Bob brought their kids and everyone had a blast. The amount of munitions in our driveway the next day spoke for themselves.

Went to the Braun Brothers Family Reunion weekend in Challis. Never have been, always wanted to go (an old friend of TH's used to play in their band WAY back when) and finally did. I knew Muzzie and Billy's Mom and Dad when I was little and they were very sweet.

Mom organized it and we had a lot of fun. I think we'll go back next year but I will take earplugs because while I can still party, I can't stay up until 4 a.m. with the kids from LSU; or, to be honest, the nice cowboy and his wife (older than us!) from central Washington who were riding their bicycles in the dark at midnight while TH and I had a last beer and chuckled our heads off. They were very nice though and offered us breakfast the next day.

Went to Seattle for a PACKER game - Woohoo! Okay, here's the thing, Seattle contingent, including not only family but my Packer blog buddy Cuphound - we got there Friday night, ate dinner, went to bed, got up Saturday morning, ate breakfast, went into Seattle on the light rail (we stayed by the airport), had lunch with my old boss, Jenny, who we haven't seen in over a year, went to a tailgate party that I had been invited to by the Northwest Packer Backers, met another Twitter buddy @Greg_A_Bedard who writes for the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel (boy was I nervous, but he's just a nice, witty, guy who likes to write about the Packers and their crazy fans like me), went to the stadium, ate, watched the game, took the light rail back, got up, had lunch and flew home. Whew. Next time I go over there I'm going to have more time and less things booked.

Things I learned:

It sucks when your teenager really starts acting like one. It was a rough summer with Big Bit, he tended to disappear off the face of the earth once he got back from vacation with his Dad. He wanted to spend most of the summer in Reno with his friends, understandably, but he also decided that he never needed to talk to me just to let me know he was alive (much less had he done any of the things he needed to do...yeah, Mom was asking), there were a few tears and a couple of irritated conversations. If you've gotten to 18.5 years without having all this attitude, I think it surprises you even more. Thank God for my sister-in-law who provided the exact perspective I needed after one of these conversations as she had gone through the same thing - late rebellion. Now Big Bit is here, all is fine and back to a different kind of normal and he's ready to kick off Welcome Week this weekend and get in the swim of college life. I'm excited for him, but I think he might be more excited, though nervous.

Life is damn hard and I'm not as resilient as I used to be. I am grateful to have a decent job with good pay in this economy. I am glad my boss is not Sybil and her boss (and his boss) seem to like me. Still, there are many writings on the wall which say the long term prospects are not good. I'm tired of feeling underutilized and overbored. I've been working on the attitude but it's hard. (Whiner, you say? You would be right and I've said that to myself.) There is a possibility of a job on the horizon that in some ways looks promising and in some ways looks scary due to some inside info I have. I should know if I have it next week. Without divulging much, let's just say that it involves a very stable employer. And a pension. And those are very, very attractive things.

I probably don't have the patience to really learn to play piano, but God bless my friend Allen for trying to teach me.

I am technically old enough to be Aaron Rodgers' mother. Damn, that's depressing.

Our little Mario beagle has a big heart and a fierce growl. We think he may have been abused because the poor little guy recoils if you even raise your voice. Big Bit terrified him accidentally with a fly swatter of all things. But he's very dear to us already.

Little Bit has to have some testing, probably in a couple of months, because the dr. we got referred to thinks he may have borderline Asperger's. Maybe not, but maybe. And while I'm grateful that it isn't worse, because obviously things always could be, I'm struggling more than a little bit with this particular bit of news.

I'm two months from being a year older and I don't think I'm any wiser. When does that kick in, exactly?

Lastly, I found out last night that the EHFH has a tumor on his liver and has to have a biopsy next week. He's only 44. Big Bit is understandably upset and concerned (as am I, actually) so please keep EHFH and Big Bit in your thoughts and prayers. With BB starting college next week here, the timing is of course impeccable. NOT.

So, in WAY more than a nutshell, that is what's been going on. I promise to write more so as not to write a novel again. I hope you've all been well and I promise you haven't been away from my thoughts.

Right after 9/11, TH and I were fortunate enough to go to Sun Valley, thanks to Jenny the old boss and her free tix to see James Taylor. The world at that time seemed quite upset and wrong, as everyone knows. He made us feel so, so much calmer and optimistic. This video is earlier, but quite representative of the reaction he got in Idaho. His daughter, Sally, played with him. I remember him saying, "It's so important we keep on going, though right now it's so hard." Those words have resonated with me, over and over, to this day.

James, I need you to come play a concert in my backyard. Just sayin'. Please?

One of the best times in my life, that concert was, even in the face of such tragedy in our country. Always remember.

'Nuff Said

Note: I had a Paul Thorn video posted here because I was feeling sorry for myself. It's a song called "I Have a Good Day Every Now and Then". I went back to make a note to say I was okay, just having an incredibly horrible day. Somehow I deleted the video. Sigh.

I plan on blogging this weekend about the last month, which really has had lots of high points. Now if I only knew how to deal with the mundane.

Lost in Idaho

Yes, you used to call me lostinutah, but these days I seem to be lostinidaho. Not in the same sense, but I know I've been remiss in trying to write anything whatsoever or comment on others blogs. Though I see some other people are having the same problem. :)

What has been going on? I don't know that it's anything specific...a tad bit of laziness, no doubt, but also just life being life and me ending up watching David Letterman, seeing the Top 10 list and realizing I'm going to be just as tired in the morning as I was the morning of the current day.

The job has been...the job. I've had a couple of nasty surprises in the last week that don't threaten my employment but do seem to confirm that it will lack the thing I like about my field - creativity. Not that I've been allowed to have much anyway, but what I did have is slowly being eliminated by our Corporate structure. (Not at me, mind you, just generally.) I have applied internally for a job that I think I would love, that is a stretch opportunity but one I had some exposure to in Utah. The person I would work for I think I would truly love to be around - she and I have bonded over our children are both going to that fine institution next year I've mentioned previously. We'll see - the recruiter for the job (same guy that was my recruiter for this job) seems to think I'll get an interview at least but the wheels of justice turn slowly.

Memorial Day weekend was a blur. We went to friend Renee's party (lots of fun) but first...we acquired a new family member.

This is Mario, our new evil pet. (Those of you who parent or grandparent Ninentdo addicts will get the name.) He is a 2 year old Beagle, who was a stray at the shelter and we nabbed him. We were going to wait until we got back from our trip to Washington D.C. to celebrate Big Bit's graduation but Beagles don't come through the shelter very often so we nabbed him. Friend Ra will watch him while we're in Reno and a little bit of the D.C. time when Mom is on a Harley ride to Elko.

We also went (late) to my uncles(s) and aunt(s) anniversary party. A supposedly brief lunch at Flatbread Pizza went sadly awry. In addition, I hate really paper-thin crust pizza. Shan't be back. Sorry to the family for showing up for the last 1/2 hour but I did enjoy seeing everyone. Then, we got to go see the new house my dad is having built. It's small, but cute, and when he retires and can't live in his company-provided housing anymore he will have a nice place to live. Sorry, no pics, but once it's done I'll nail some down.

Now - getting ready for graduation (I AM OLD) and our trip to DC. Big Bit has been another distraction (though always welcome) - he was having extreme bouts of senioritis and resenting authority (granted, the authority he was resenting I couldn't live with, so totally understood). To his credit, he got through it all and is great, but I appreciated the fact he wanted to talk to me about it all. I don't take that for granted by any means. Sometimes you see parents and their children grow apart and you wonder - how does that happen? I'm not sure. I don't want to experience it with my kids, so I plan on working hard at appreciating their worlds, even when I don't agree with them.

Back on a Sunday, Big Bit's college orientation on a Monday and then - off to D.C.! We were fortunate enough to score White House tour tickets through Senator Crapo - now if I just see an Obama I'll have a big grin on my face. I know. As if. And I know he's not perfect, okay? Thank you. Looking forward to seeing all the wonderful, inspiring sights that I've seen briefly on work visits to the D.C. area and much more that I've never been exposed to.

I also hope to meet up with Holly and Kris, a couple of ladies met through the blogosphere - we'll see how things shake out but it might be a lot of fun.

So, while I've been totally offline, I haven't been inactive. Hope all is well with everyone's world as well.

Talk Thursday: Endings...and Beginnings

Yep, I set the topic again, so I feel obligated to write. I have written on other's topics (maybe twice, to my shame) so I don't feel like I'm totally favoring myself. :)

Usually, endings are sad. The last few years I've had some that are happy, and some that are sad.

Happy Endings:

Leaving Utah

Child Support

Sad Endings:

My grandmother's passing

My doggie's passing

Beginnings are always more optimistic - there's so much room for opportunity to hope and dream about how things will turn out. The beginning we've experienced over the past few years are well documented on this blog.

When you get into your 40's, it's a little harder to find beginnings, frankly, at least for me. My kid's lives are really still beginning and that's fascinating, but it's their lives, not mine. I might start another new job in the next few years - but more and more, as friend Shawn says, the time I (and he) spent at the Mothership working for Jenny looks like an aberration in one's career, not a constant. Everything else has been a job. I've been with TH for almost 16 years and all signs point to it's going to last (thankfully!). I'm not moving ever again, I've decided, so that's out. Let's face it, I am truly the picture of your middle aged Mom.

But....

One thing that has happened is, in a way, a beginning for me. Big Bit has chosen a college. He is going to go to the College of Idaho, the fine institution I wrote about previously and which I attended for all of one semester. Because of the cost (private school = $$$) and because like me as a college freshman he doesn't feel like he would live well in a dorm, he's going to live with us. It's about a 25 mile drive one way, but trust me, the gas in his car (Honda Civic) in no way compares with the cost of living on campus, and he needs to stretch his dollars to last as long as possible.


Since he started school, we've had Big Bit with us a lot - during year round school, probably 4 months total or more of the year, summers during middle schools, weekends frequently etc. (Of course, prior to that I had him full or half time at least). He spent his freshman year in Utah with us, which was wonderful, but it ended badly (not because of anything he or I did, but a third force if you know who I mean) and he went back. He was worried for me and him if he stayed with me.

Now, he's an adult, or as Little Bit put it "He can do whatever he wants, can't he Mom?"

So, in an odd way, Big Bit's graduation, which is an ending, is a beginning for both him, and me. I don't look at him coming to school here as "I win" or anything like it. He picked a school he wants to go to, and we happen to live near it. It saves him money to live here, so he will have less student loan debt at the end.

But still, it's going to be fun to see college through his perspective. I hope he handles it all far, far better than I did. I think, in spite of his shyness that I fully share (and more) that he will be able to enjoy school and not do something stupid like get married (too soon).

Now to go see about selling a kidney to pay for school, as well as the new roof that we weren't supposed to need for 3 more years (augh). That is all.

PAID IN FULL

As of yesterday....I have experienced an epic event. I PAID MY LAST CHILD SUPPORT CHECK. EVER. EVER. EVER.

Well, let me restate that. I have paid the last dime I have to pay that benefits someone other than my child more than my child himself. Let me clarify a bit. Actually, since January I have been paying Big Bit directly, as I had stated my preference to do so starting with his birthday and EHFH actually said (via Big Bit, of course) that it was fine to start early. So, this year hasn't been too bad.

However, it was a really weird feeling to mail that check yesterday. I am not glad Big Bit is grown up, mind you. (at least not all the time, most of the time I'd like him to be 7 again, and his brother a newborn - they were so stinking cute and one didn't talk back and the other couldn't!) Whether a child lives with you full time or not, that sensation of leaving the nest is one that I think is universal. It's an odd feeling to know he's in charge of his decisions and consequences and as of mid-June, whether he goes to school any further or not.

Also, I do not dispute the obligation of a "non-custodial" (term makes me laugh, 'cause kids, there's been a whole lot of "custodial" duties I've continued to perform through the years, from dental visits, to braces, to immunizations, to haircuts - all fun for me, actually) parent to pay money to the other in order to benefit the child. My beef was more around the fact I far rather would have put it into a college fund, which would be approximately twice the size of the check that Big Bit's other parent has given to him for college. And yes, he could afford to do without the money. As did I - when Big Bit lived with us in Utah, every cent I received went straight to his college fund. He was amazed at how much I'd actually accumulated from that time alone.

It's a really liberating feeling to know that from now on, ANYTHING I do for Big Bit financially is because I want to, because we've discussed it, and because it makes perfect sense (hopefully, anyway). I think I feel a little at loose ends. Odd.

Money, and Big Bit, have been the things that have tied me to EHFH for 16 years longer than I wished to be. I know I wasn't going to write about him anymore, but this is really about me. And how all shackles are off now. All I HAVE to do is enjoy and continue to have a relationship with my beloved firstborn. I feel like I'm 27 again. Anything's possible.

I leave you with this thought. He Thinks He'll Keep Her, indeed.

Talk Thursday - Things That Must Go

I'm grateful to JulieAnn for this topic - I've wanted to write for a while, and haven't been able to or truly motivated to - for a variety of reasons. This one, though, resonated so much that I had to write.

My feelings about my time in Utah are fairly well known and documented, on this blog in particular. One thing I loved, though, was the "Radio From Hell" show. I miss Kerry, Bill and Gina.

They made me laugh out loud on the way to work with their dead on assessments of life in Utah. I also, to this day, use the term "asshat", which I quickly appropriated from Bill. I don't know why it made me laugh. But it did.

I don't know if this will lighten things up as much as JA would like - but here goes.

THINGS THAT MUST GO:

1) My thinking I can fix things for people.

2) People who run red lights.

3) Viking fans. (I would have said Bears fans, but I love my cousin, so no go.)

4) People who don't like Boise. That includes the CEO of a certain corporation that shall remain nameless. You don't have to want to live here, mind you, but just be okay with those of us that do.

5) Tea Party members who use racials slurs. Actually, pretty much anybody that uses racial slurs.

6) Things that keep preventing Jeff Gordon from winning a race. Seriously, people, it's getting ridiculous.

7) Rainy weather (at least for a while)!

8) The Denver Nuggets (the Jazz beat them last night and I believe will continue to do so).

9) Brent Fav-rah. 'Nuff said.

10) My worrying about stupid crap I can't control. Enough already. (See #1 above).

Those, in a nutshell, are things that MUST go. Oh, you're right, I have a list of 100 or so more. But that will do for a start.

Spring?

They keep saying it's spring. I don't believe it. It snowed here this week. No, it didn't stick BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!

Bogus Basin ski area closes this weekend, and for once, I think the snow is better now than it has been a lot of the season. I guess we'll go skiing - but I really want warmth, sun and to be able to plant my garden.

I have some better pictures of finches that I got today, but for now, this is the extent of my bird photos - every time I've tried to take their pictures, until yesterday, the damn things flew off.

Bucky got his paws on a squirrel Monday, but it put the afterburners on and escaped. Now there's a dead dove by our back door. Okay, cat, you've done enough damage to the animal kingdom this week, you can take a break.

In other news? I am way behind on my homework for my CEBS certification (but I'm catching up), Big Bit still hasn't chosen a school, but will be here next week and hopefully will do so.

We've booked a trip to celebrate Big Bit's graduation - we're going to Washington, D.C. Thankfully we had enough frequent flyer miles from years of travel and a merger between Northwest and Delta to get plane tickets. We are excited, I've been there for work but only got to visit the Mall area briefly, Big Bit went but there was a hurricane that week and he didn't get to do much, and Little Bit and TH have never been. So this should be fun.

The Green Bay Packers were kind enough to announce a pre-season game in Seattle in August. That will be our other extravagance - it's the only chance I have to watch them this year, so we're going.

Now, if it would just get warm enough to move about freely outside. I have cabin fever in the worst way.

Just Sayin'

Top 10 Things To Do In Boise

As promised to Kris aka @thewino on Twitter, I'm compiling my favorite things about Boise as a mini guide to her, should she be fortunate enough to visit my fair city.

1) The Greenbelt. Boise is a very fortunate city to have a beautiful parks system that runs on both sides (for the most part) of the Boise River. The Greenbelt is an amazing place to bike, walk, jog or lounge with a refreshing beverage. As long as the cops don't see you (if you're too close to the river, that is).











2)The Pen Not, not the one people are in NOW, the Old Pen. It's on Warm Springs Avenue. It sounds weird, but touring it is cool. It's got some really interesting architecture, and I always am amazed to be reminded that when it finally was "retired", I was, I think, 7 and my husband 10. It's not surprising that the reason we got a new prison is that the prisoners rioted at this one and burned a lot of it down. I can't blame them a bit. It's kind of out of the "Shawshank Redemption" except for there's no nice Morgan Freeman around.


3) The Boise Train Depot. The company I work for built this building many many years ago. (They also built the Hoover Dam). Looking at downtown Boise from the bell tower is amazing.




4) The Capitol Building. Our capitol is, I believe, one of the most beautiful in the 50 states. It's certainly a hell of a lot prettier than Nevada's, which is basically a rectangle of bricks with a teensy white dome on top. It's been recently remodeled and it's spectacular. Now if only there were more spectacular people in it.



5) The Idaho Shakespeare Festival, if visiting from June-September. Tom & Joe. The Fool Squad. They're amazing. That is all.

6) Table Rock. The brewpub or the hill, doesn't matter. The brewpub because that's where I met The Husband (and the beer is good, even if I'm no longer fond of their menu) and the hill because it's a great hike. One I obviously need to make more often, looking at myself in the mirror.

7) The MK Nature Center. Because you can see fish THIS BIG that you can't catch and they are laughing at you because of it. However, sometimes you get to see a mink catch one there and that is extremely satisfying for both mink and human. Sometimes you even see some of these guys.






8) The Crack. Get your minds out of the gutter. I'm referring to a piece of "art" that resides at the Grove Hotel. It's been the butt of jokes ever since it's unveiling, but we're all secretly fond of it. Here's how Boise Weekly describes it (much differently than Tom & Joe do, let me tell you):

BEST PUBLIC ART THAT GLOWS IN THE DARK Grove Street Illuminated & Boise Canal by Amy Westover-This is one of the better pieces of public art gracing our fair city. Created by one of Boise's own, it's just as intriguing during the day as it is at night. Westover masterfully combined style and substance to create an artwork that is aesthetically pleasing as well as historically illuminating. 9th and Front

9) The Museums (Art and Historical). They're right next to each other, (right by Table Rock brewpub, strangely enough) and I'm always happy to go see the two-headed calf, who's been there ever since I was a tot if not before and the art museum is fun - because believe it or not, we actually have art out here in the sticks!

10) Curtis Stigers. Well, you can't just go "see" Curtis. But he lives here. And I've seen him sing jazz and I've seen him eat croquetas at Bar Gernika. He's pretty cute eating croquetas. He's pretty cute any time, actually. My sons were appalled at my slack jawed gazing while sitting next to him. He was kind and ignored me. In addition to jazz, he also wrote the title song for the "Sons of Anarchy" series and had a huge pop hit back in the day. When he had long hair.

11) All things Basque. This would include Bar Gernika as referenced above (really a small restaurant, but there's definitely a bar there), Epi's Basque Restaurant (technically in Meridian, but that's worth a 15 minute drive, trust me, food is awesome and Chris, the owner, is the sweetest thing ever), the Basque Market and the Basque Museum.

Oops, that's 11 things. It's actually more like 20, since I kept throwing stuff in. Sorry, Kris, I've probably overwhelmed you. But I hope you get to come here and I hope you like it.

Epic Fail, and other updates

I have been a total sloth in my posting. I haven't "Talk Thursday"d, I haven't randomly rambled, I haven't done anything.

But, I have news to report. Today, my firstborn got an acceptance letter from the College of Idaho, the fine establishment I attended for only a semester, then was stupid enough to leave. And a scholarship. A good one. Not a great one, but one that levels the playing field with his other two options. Which means he really has OPTIONS. (Oh, and a much better one than I got when I went there.) Yeah!

And, I must admit, listening to him talk, I was suddenly sixteen again, looking at a letter and reading the words "The College of Idaho is pleased to inform you you've been accepted for admission as a freshment for the fall of 1983 semester". Or something along those lines. And knowing, suddenly, that you have a future. And options.

Folks, it's a great feeling. For both of us.

Now to see what he ends up getting from everyone. I may end up disappointed from my own selfish perspective. But I think he got some idea of what you can accomplish in life if you take college seriously. More seriously than I did, for sure.

Isn't it great, parents, when you get that just blissfully happy feeling for your children?

Just a Thought

I had a post about forgiveness and how I would be working on that. I am not posting this update to mention He Who Must Not Be Named, but rather to note the following: I can't believe a parent would be so short-sighted, stupid and uncaring of said child so as to refuse to fill out the FAFSA.

Rather than do my usual mother-bear imitation and engage in a fight with said HWMNBN, thinking that somehow I could change behaviors and "win", thus perpetuating the whole hatred thing mentioned before, I realized this was the desired reaction, didn't engage, called various schools and found out that I could indeed complete it, so I did that...problem solved, I hope.

And instead of anger, I felt pity that someone could be that selfish and short-sighted. That's progress.

Hopefully that's the last of those little encounters.

The Out of Towners

We haven't really been out of town for a while, for more than a day trip anyway. Gosh, I think the last time we really went anywhere is when we were in Oregon last summer!

Well, much as I love Idaho, and as contented as I was to be homebound for quite a while, once I settle in, I have to escape the environs, if you will, and go somewhere quite different.

Thankfully before I did our taxes I planned a trip. (Mr. President, I do support you, but do you have to pay for the stimulus on my back alone, I ask you? J/K but it feels that way this year.)

For years, TH and I have talked about going to a NASCAR race. For years, we have not done so. Then, while in Reno last May, some friends who go every year mentioned that they had slashed ticket prices due to the economy.

Ah, NASCAR. I get weird looks for liking it - my boss said somewhat timidly this morning, "Oh, is that a sport?" Here's the thing, kids. It's damn hard to drive a car on a banked track at 150 plus miles per hour. I have been 125 on a straightaway in my Camaro (Mom, please ignore most of this paragraph) and that is much, much different, but it gives you a slight idea of how fast things could go wrong. And yes, you can like NASCAR and be college educated, somewhat liberal in your politics, have Jane Austen as one of your favorite authors and know who Yo-Yo Ma is. So there.

So, we started nosing around. Packages are way expensive, but I'm a do-it-yourself kind of gal and found that with one plane ticket for free, booking a hotel room through Hotwire (and, we ended up at the Stratosphere, which really isn't bad) and finding a company that didn't ask for your right kidney to shuttle you to the racetrack and back we could do it fairly inexpensively.

We're flying down Saturday, back Monday night. Our only splurge on the trip (since the rest of it is now paid for) is dinner at this place on Saturday. I was thinking of a show, but then my new Packer blog buddy Jersey Al told me how much it was (I was close, but not enough) and I went "never mind"! It will be fun though. We really didn't go anywhere for our wedding anniversary in December so this is in place of a big dinner then.

Then Sunday - the race! While our friends from Reno are unfortunately not going this year, my friend Renee (the Mom of our longtime babysitter now bride S), her husband, and a bunch of their friends, some of whom we know and love are going. They park their RVs there - in fact, I'd like to bet they are already ensconced at the track since time trials have started. We'll hook up with them Sunday and if our seats totally suck and it's cold/rainy (yes, it's supposed to rain Saturday at least in Vegas), I'm hanging out with Renee in the RV and having a beer.

My hope, of course, is that I will see this handsome pair in the winner's circle at the end:

Ella's a little bigger now, but her daddy's just as handsome. Go Jeff Gordon!

A Wonderful Life

I know I've not been a fountain of optimism on this blog lately. Well, you're going to have to put up with one more dose of negativity, and Lord knows I hope it's the last for a while.

TH got up this morning to make lattes, as he always does, and much to our dismay found our beloved dog, Margarita, had died during the night. She was 11, would have been 12 in April, and yes, for a Labrador, that's on the upper end of the scale. She had arthritis in her hips pretty badly, but other than that and a general slowing of her activity level, she was in fairly good health. She'd just come through her last checkup in January with good results beyond her known mostly old-age related issues.

She was the biggest pain in the ass as a puppy you could think of. The first thing she did when my Mom brought her in our house at 2 months was poop and pee on the kitchen floor. I was about 3-4 months pregnant. You can imagine my joy in having to take care of a puppy when I was exhausted. But of course she was so stinking cute and we grew to love her in spite of (sometimes because of) her sometimes Marley-esque activities.

As she matured, she became a sweet and lovely dog. She loved people, her family, especially her boys (Big Bit in particular), she listened, she didn't dig or chew and she was very intelligent. Last summer she actually caught a squirrel (quite by accident I think) and you would have thought she was a pup again, she was so proud of herself. She was loyal, bossy (she would snatch her sister's stuffed animals when she walked in the door).

Her mother, who some friends owned, died at the same age she was now, I think, and had far more health problems for far longer than our pooch. She didn't have a prolonged illness and I hope didn't suffer at all, or if so only very briefly. So I know she was lucky in that respect. But, damn it, we're going to miss her.

And yesterday was National Margarita Day. I kid you not.

Love you, Pookums.